Screwed up Again

Some days I wake up and just ask WHY…today I was woken up at 3am and slapped with shit that I didn’t want to deal with at all. Seems that my writing irritates the woman that I am interested in, and she got mad about my speaking of living alone and lamenting the ideology of singledom. But it’s true, I live alone and I have a lot on my plate to handle for one person trying to make it alone in this fucking world.

I’m so through with women it’s not funny. Nothing is funny. She says I played her. That I was advertising myself as single and available. That was not the idea at all. All I was doing was just thinking on things, and trying to figure out my work, life, and school ideas. That is all. Never did I intend to insinuate that I am available for the taking, I’m not….or I wasn’t…I’m still NOT.

Now she’s in the “leave me alone” mode. I am guessing she’ll stay there, because she’s stubborn and thinks that I have played her for a fool. I am feeling quite like a fool myself. I’ve spent the past couple of months trying to rearrange my life so that I could pay her as much attention as possible through texting and skype. She’s done the same I know. I think we both put a lot of energy into it and obviously we were not on the same page, or this wouldn’t be happening.  It’s really sad that we are going to LET it happen like this, it really is.

I have always tried to make a woman feel secure with me. I make up my mind and I follow through. I don’t know why she couldn’t feel that security that I wouldn’t be seeing anyone else as long as she and I were talking and spending time together as we could online. I have no interest in dating around. I was focused on her. I wanted more than anything to be with her, but geographical difficulties made that impossible – that’s a fact. Still I had some hope that we would find a way.

I’m almost 53 years old and too old for bullshit. I need to settle down. Now, I know she wasn’t the one that would do that with me because she was always mentioning something about this elusive “girlfriend” that she wouldn’t ever have because she works too much….don’t think that didn’t sting every time I heard it, yeah it did.  So I guess that I continue to chase after unavailable women…when will I learn??

Meeting someone and cultivating a relationship is a feat of great undertaking. It requires connection, honesty, communication and love. With those four things you can build a good relationship that benefits and satisfies both partners. All four are equally important. Screw one of them up and you screw up the whole relationship.

I’ve screwed each one up at some point in my life. I thought that I had learned my lessons by now, but evidently not. I’m just done with relationships, period. I can’t take the heartache anymore. I can’t take the loss, the leaving, the emptiness and the abandonment. The emotional toll is just too much to continue to bear. I am better off being alone and lonely and just staying to myself, at least that relationship is very clearly defined.

Let me be very clear here. I am NOT looking for a girlfriend. I was quite happy with the situation I had going on with her, and I am very upset that it’s gone down this road. It will take me a while to come to terms with that alone. I am not available, nor am I single. I have a dog, a home and a job, and I am too damned busy for anything else. Plus, women just mess with my head, my heart, and my emotions, and then get bent out of shape about stupid shit and just leave….so I am DONE with that bullshit.

I feel like my words mean nothing. That no matter what I could say that it would never be enough. No matter what I write it can always be taken wrong. Words are all I had with her, I couldn’t reach out and touch her like I wanted to do, so all I have are words, written and spoken…and it isn’t enough.   (no comments please).  ~MB


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