I woke up this morning with a zillion miscellaneous thoughts in my head. From what am I going to do today, to where am I going with this, to why do I have to work the night shift tonight? I have a lot of questions in there and no definitive answers.
I’m not real happy with my current job, and I’ve only been there a couple of months. I am working with a lot of older men, and some – at least 4 of them – seem to have some issues with me, issues without provocation. So I am thinking that they are either threatened by my Butch presentation, or are homophobic. They pretty much refuse to work with me, refuse to speak to me or make eye contact – and I did nothing to any of them, said nothing wrong nor acted in any unreasonable way with them. I haven’t been vocal about my beliefs, my lifestyle or my sexuality, so they are just running with whatever gossip or thoughts they personally have about me. It’s a difficult way to work. It’s uncomfortable and irritating at the very least. And I am a good worker, I pull my weight and I do a good job. But that’s not what they see evidently because I’ve been catching hell for menial crap. My manager is one of the problems, he seems to focus on what I am personally doing for work, and picks at me. I don’t see him doing this with other workers in my department, so I am really feeling out of place lately. It makes me angry that he ignores that I do a good job and is constantly asking me what I am doing – I’m working idiot.
I work in a hardware and power tool atmosphere. There has been no training, it’s one of those jobs where they throw you into it and you either sink or swim. I’ve been swimming like mad. I’ve had to self-educate myself on both of the departments, and I’ve absorbed a lot of information all on my own in the mere 2 months of being on the job part time. I assist customers, sell products, make sure the displays are clean and nice looking, make sure product is stocked properly and that the place looks as nice as possible at all times. This is basically the job of everyone in the departments. We all have the same goal, which is sales.
I am very close to quitting. I hate to say that the discomfort of working with the idiots is a big part of it. The sudden focus of the assistant manager who has seemingly taken some sort of personal interest in only what I am doing in the department is really pissing me off. It’s like he is looking to catch me goofing off or not working – which I always am doing when I am there, there’s nothing else to DO in there but work and do the job at hand. It’s not rocket science, it’s fucking retail. It’s not that hard, and about any idiot can do it. Without training I’ve spent a lot of time learning the departments and the products on my own. What more he/they want I don’t know. I do know they are not paying me enough to take the amount of grief they are dishing out. Pay me better and I will take your shit, but right now that’s not the case.
So this all leads me to the question of what I am going to do from here forward. I don’t want to quit under bad conditions, like walking out. I won’t do that unless I am forced into it. I will give proper notice and try to leave on good terms. I am thinking I need to find other employment. I’m going to start looking around to see who is hiring and what kind of job I can find. I have no idea where to start of what I really want to be doing. I wish I could make a living at writing, but that is just a whim and isn’t going to happen.
I have this idea to go to barber school and become a good barber. Butches need a good barber and dudes need a good barber, and I like the idea of being that barber. I love the feeling of a great haircut and edging with a straight razor….giving that to others would be awesome. This requires 6 months of school and $10K in grants and loans. The financing is already secured. The school is already scheduled to start on February 2nd, 2015. Question is how do I juggle full time 8 hour a day, 5 days a week schooling with a 25-30 hour a week job? That would mean 75-80 hours a week I would be occupied. I’m not sure that I can pull it off. I’m not sure if I have the fortitude to throw myself into school and a job at the same time. It feels like it would be a total consumption of my time and energy. And I would have no time for anything else for those 6 months. No time to write, no time to engage in anything that I like to do. It would be school and work only. It sounds completely daunting. But it may be what has to happen. I wish the school were shorter. But it’s from February to August, and one can only miss so many hours during that period of time.
My longer term plan would be to possibly own a barber shop one day. I know, I am almost 53 and this is a long shot. But it’s doable I believe. I already have contacts and a possible business partner. There is an established shop that may possibly be available for future purchase, and the idea is there. It’s not like I am going to get rich doing this, but I would be pretty damned happy I believe. I could make a decent living and be self-employed once again – a bonus all by itself!
In the meantime, I have to live and pay the bills to do so. Working again has made that a bit easier and I don’t want to go backwards into the struggle of trying to make ends meet without the job. It’s hard enough with the job income, without it things just suck and it’s really a stretch to keep up. I can do it, but I’m not happy with it. I also have to keep up the house, keep on top of maintenance and upkeep. Damn, it all seems so dismal when I lay it out like this. It’s going to be one hell of a job just to keep things organized and going in the right direction. This is one of those times I wish life were easier, and that I had someone to share the burden. But alas, singledom prevails. Somehow I will work it out. I always do.
So I have some decisions to make here, some choices, and some plans to hash through. I guess I better get my ducks in a row here. February is coming fairly fast, so I have to get on this issue fast.