So in reviewing my blog stats for 2014 I find the top posts to be those concerning my life as a Butch and blogs I have written about my experiences as a Butch lesbian
I’m going to review my top 5 posts here. Some things may have changed since I wrote each one, I will discuss my current opinion after the synopsis of each blog post
The Butch-Femme Friendship Dilemma So can Butches and Femmes ever really be “friends”? I am not sure. I know that I approach every relationship in my life from an angle of friendship. I offer myself as a friend. Sex, when used as a weapon in any relationship from friendship to the romantic realm, is just wrong. And sexual exchanges of innuendo or as “come on” talk within a friendship is not acceptable behavior from anyone who wishes to just be friends.
What I do know for myself is that Butch – Butch bromances are needed and necessary. I am sure it’s the same for Femmes, although I cannot speak to their thoughts directly. You often need the advice of someone who possibly thinks a bit more like you do; who has walked the path that you are on and knows the ropes across that wiggly bridge. Advice and having an ally are valuable tools in navigating this minefield of this LGBT life. When I have Butch things that I think only another Butch would be able to relate to then I take my questions to my other Butch friends. If I am having Femme issues I might consult a Femme friend for insight, but it’s my Butch buddies that give me the most support; needed, necessary and like-minded support.
So, I have had this conversation a few times. I still think that it’s difficult for butches and Femmes to be “friends”…as someone has enlightened me to the fact that in a lesbian friendship, one person always wishes to sleep with the other. That’s one you should wrap your mind around a bit more. As I considered this more carefully, I do see the logic in it. It’s kind of true. I have friends that I know have wanted to or want to sleep with me if you boil all the other bullshit out of the equation. I know that I have had friends that I wanted to sleep with….it’s just logical, and makes sense. We bring these people into our social circles for reasons, and sometimes those reasons aren’t so cut and dried clear…but if you think about it, think about your close friends…who wants to sleep with who in the equation? I bet you that at least one of you wishes at some point to sleep with the other. And I’m not talking naps here. It’s sort of a weird insightful way to look at things…I’m conscious of this fact now, and it’s been an interesting way to look at things. Point taken.
Disappearing Butches: Butches and Top Surgery So, it looks like by having top surgery – breast modification to make my chest more male and flatter – that I have broken some old school rule in some minds. Sees that some people enjoy a Butch who has dysphoria (yeah, try living with it daily) and who hide their breasts under layers of clothing, no matter how uncomfortable that is for them. At least they still have all of their designated “woman parts” i.e. tits and a vagina. Yes, that is the older school Butch way of existing, and some like it that those Butches didn’t change that. I wonder…if those Butches could have or could now change – have top surgery – would they? Or wouldn’t they? I have to believe, being Butch myself and knowing how it feels to have the outrageous angst with my own body image, that any Butch who could change it for themselves would do exactly that. Now I am sure there are some that can’t for a wide variety of reasons, from financial and insurance, to health considerations, to fear of pain or of what their families and friends will think of them. Evidently some think that by my having had chest surgery that I am less Butch and more Trans now. I beg to differ.
This post garnered quite some feedback to me and was cross posted around the web. Seems I struck a nerve with this one. It’s true that Butches having top surgery is becoming more common. There are those of us that don’t desire to have the feminine breasts, and who elect to have the surgery to achieve a flatter more male chest. My own top surgery was the best thing I did for myself in 2014. I had wanted it done for years, but never had the courage to both have the procedure and face the fact that I had the dysphoria myself. I was chicken. But then I found the bravery and did the deed. I have faced some back lash from it, but for the most part it’s been a very positive thing for me personally. I say to any Butch who is considering top surgery, do it for yourself you will be so much more comfortable with your body. I know that with myself I am far more comfortable with my body now, and I’m much happier as a result.
Awkward Moments of Being Visibly Butch So these are just a few of the more challenging, awkward or just plain pain it the ass things that happen to Visible Butches and Stone Butches as we walk through this predominantly hetero world. Gender is such a screwed up dichotomy sometimes, especially when you don’t clearly fall into one side or the other, and it’s very noticeable and even at times seen as a true threat to so many – whether they verbalize it or just stare.
This particular post is a list of things that are more awkward in the Butch world. It’s a fun post and most of the statements in this blog still ring very true. This was written prior to my top surgery, and thus prior to the dilemma now that I deal with in not only being very visibly Butch, but in being consistently mistaken for a guy. Perhaps a new blog about being visibly different AND Butch is in order here.
Butch Strength Butches are generally seen as strong. Rough, tough and resolutely strong. It’s been bred into us seemingly, either from our bio-parents or from our chosen influence(s). Ask any Femme what she likes in a Butch and she will most likely say “I like how they are strong and tough.” I believe that it’s a Butch and masculine trait to be the strong; to be the stronger person in most relationships, particularly when that relationship is of romantic nature, but also when we are in the presence of anyone who seems to need our strength to help them. Butches inherently like to be helpful, to solve the problem, to be the cure.
On Butch Strength I spoke about most of the classic ideas that Butches are strong and tough. We are. We like to think we are at least. And our counterparts like to think that we are as well. I may be strong, tough and the stereotypical little beast of a Butch, but the part that I have come to realize and dislike in 2014 is the part where Butches like me, are somehow “scary” to some women. I am not scary at all. I am actually a big teddy bear and conduct myself as so. In a relationship I can be quite gentle, attentative, and loving, given the opportunity.
Stone Butch Views I am a firmly planted member of the Butch-femme community. I love the dynamic; I thrive on the energy of the interaction and the intimacy. Being Stone Butch I absolutely love femmes. And Stone femmes are particularly attractive sexual beings to me. I worship femme energy, fierceness and the spark. I adore that femmes understand my Stone Butch identity better than any other identity in the spectrum. I’ve never been with another Butch, nor do I wish to be as to me it would be like screwing my brother and there would be a fight over who bottoms for sure! My interest in Butches is for friendship, brotherhood and boi talk only. My sexual appetite is for Femme lesbians only.
Ah this post has caused me some serious conversational stress. I state here that my appetite is for Femme lesbians only. That’s not entirely true. My appetite is for LESBIANS only, and for the more feminine types. I’m not restricting myself to just those who “identify as Femmes” any longer, because in retrospect some of those I have dated have not identified as Femme, but have just fallen in to that grouping with me because it’s the more feminine energy that I like, thus I use the word Femme too freely. I just like women in general, and while I have enjoyed the Butch-Femme dynamic, it’s not the only dynamic I have experienced. I do think that it is true that Femme identifying lesbians DO really understand Butches a bit better, because they are attracted generally to only Butches and thus have put more work into understanding us. Same goes in reverse. I have also given some thought to the word Stone, and am not sure that I am really living up to that word as part of my own identity. I think about it, and it doesn’t really feel right because I have not always been Stone, and I chose to go Stone, it didn’t come naturally like it does with most true Stone Butch identified individuals.
As I have re-read all of these blogs I realize that experience can and has changed me over time. I enjoy who I am, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve had some really incredible things in my life, and met some awesome people, and they have each contributed a little bit to who I am today.
The moral of the story, Be Butch. If you are Butch then be proud, walk with your head held high and enjoy your life. You’ve been given a privilege that few others have, you enjoy the life of both female and male kind of rolled into one body and mind. I know that other Butches will understand that statement best here. It’s like we get the best of both worlds, and it’s liberating in many ways. And don’t be afraid of change, sometimes change is what we need to make us happier, healthier and to move us forward to the next opportunity in this life.
Rock on! ~MB