What do you do when your alone?
I spend a lot of my time alone. It’s something that I have just decided works for me and my life. I choose to be alone. It’s not that I have to be at all. But I value my solitary time so much. I don’t mind being alone for the most part. Although there are certainly times when it does suck!
I get to have things the way that I like them, or want them because I am alone. No one tells me when to do what, when to clean, when to eat or cook, when to do my laundry, when to go to work, …even the dog knows that I am running on my own agenda daily, as I tell her when she’s going to eat and go outside, etc.
I read quite a good amount when I am alone. I love to read. I absorb so much information and devour knowledge like crazy. Sometimes it fucks with my head a little, like if I’m reading erotic or if I read something that gets my brain flowing. Nihalism Is Pointless’s blog today was one of those blogs for me that got me thinking.
So many of my favorite bloggers have been producing some of their best and most personally insightful pieces as of late across WordPress. I have to mention several of them here, who are near and dear to this Butch’s heart.
Roxi St Clair you rock. You’ve been part of my world for a time now, and we have gotten to trust and believe in one another, much through our writings. You inspire me and you move me to continue to write. You’ve suffered such loss lately and I don’t know how you are coping honestly, I wish I coul.d Thank you.
ButchCountry67 I can’t even begin to thank you for what you bring to the blogosphere. It’s timeless and you write with such heart felt fervor, I just love your blogs. You dealing with your boy and his brain cancer, the wife now with cancer and the whole place that you take care of up there in cold, snowy Canada. I commend you for a job well done, for holding it together my Butch brother…and for being so fucking awesomely brave doing it. I really want to go to Canada and build you that damned shed roof next Spring….I’m serious. You and I have tons in common with the whole liking to do the Butch chores route…I love reading about your expeditions into town in the wife’s car, and all the funny stuff. Keep on Rockin it!!
A Boy and Her Dog blog is awesome too. Another Butch going through the top surgery and the thoughts surrounding it. She wrote this one piece that I gleaned much from, this is one passage that resonated with me.
What should a butch or genderqueer person expect to get out of top surgery? I will be happy if I can look at myself in a mirror larger than the medicine cabinet, and if I can stand up straight and breathe deep without feeling self-conscious about my chest. I don’t expect top surgery to alleviate my social anxiety or make up for the traumas of my childhood. It will likely complicate my already complicated presence in women’s bathrooms, dressing rooms, and locker rooms. Despite this, I think looking queerer, and less female-bodied, will feel right. At least to me.
That would have been something to think about before I had had surgery! It never even crossed my mind that it would just further complicate social anxiety like it has. And I too never expected it to remedy those awkward traumas of childhood. Yes, it’s complicated things more than anything, but like BaHD I feel right and I don’t care what anyone else thinks personally. The social anxiety I’ve just gotten used to over the decades of being Butch. It maybe bothered me a bit more when I was younger, but now I just take the world in stride. I don’t freak out over being mis-gendered and I don’t let it bother me. But I know exactly where BaHD is coming from in this blog.
So, now I ask these three Butch bloggers…how much time do you each spend alone? Isn’t it part of the writing process for us to be loners? I can be surrounded by people and I still feel alone sometimes. I’ve always been a sort of loner in life. Sure I’ve had some sidekicks over time, and I’ve been in relationships that meant less time alone per se, but I have always still found the time to be alone to write somehow. Hell I’ll do it in the middle of the night if necessary, it’s my therapy, it’s my outlet and my venting system.
I’ve been alone so long this time that I am not sure what I would do with someone being around me more. I often wonder that days. While it would be nice to have someone here with me, and I’m not talking room mate or friend, I also wonder if it’s really important or not anymore. I tried the live-in girlfriend thing last Spring for a couple of months, and it didn’t work out so hot for me that time around. I just wonder if it’s the person or what when it comes to that, and honestly I think for me it’s the person…I have successfully lived with a couple of women for long periods of time, and I’ve enjoyed it…but with the . I read this Autostraddle article on 15 things that happen when you move in with your lover. It was comical, but I swear every one of them is true. People aren’t so different really, it’s just they think they are.
I know that from living with lovers in the past that those 15 things are just the beginning. It’s actually very fun to live with someone you also love and enjoy being around. But you are bound to get on one another’s last nerve on occasion, it’s just a given. That’s when you each have these spaces in the home where the other is forbidden to BE when you are there. My office is my sanctuary here, even though right now I don’t need sanctuary, when I do I have it. Also my shed is sanctuary. I love to hang out in my shed…I think it comes from hanging out in the old garage/shed that I grew up with. We’d sit in there on the mowers and equipment and smoke ‘n joke for hours after school days when I was in high school. So now I will sometimes go put stuff away in the shed and just chill in there for a while having a commemorative smoke. I’m weird I know
I also think about my Butch cave here with fondness at how it’s just me and it serves the purpose. I’m not into much fancy stuff, I like rustic and useful. I like clean and simple living. I like having a dog in the house and a cat that can come and go at will (which is why I don’t have a cat right now). I like having the TV on just for background noise, and I like really loud music sometimes.
Once, when my ex-wife and I decided to move in together, after close to a year of doing the dating dance, we had several of those “living together” funny situations. One was that the books in the living room were all lined up and pushed to the back of the book shelf. I would come in and they would all be to the front of the shelf, with their bindings lined up on the shelf edge. I thought, oh the case moved, and I pushed them all back….it happened again, and this time she was there and I laughed and said I think we have an issue with how books go in the shelf….that opened up the whole “toothpaste” conversation and we ended up on the couch talking for a good two hours about everything concerning our living together. In the end it worked out well as we stayed living together for a very long time. The “toothpaste” conversation is where you talk about every little thing that your partner does that annoys you in some way. It’s a healthy conversation to have after a trial period of cohabitation.
First a Wikipedia definition: A stone butch is a butch lesbian who tops their partner sexually and is averse to sexual contact with their genitalia. Instead, sexual satisfaction is often derived from giving rather than receiving sexual pleasure. Unlike many variations of butch lesbians, the gender presentation of a stone butch is masculine. Stone butches may or may not consider themselves transgender.
Ok, as Butches we get asked some good questions sometimes. I know it happens to me at least.
So here’s the real “alone” question…..if you are stone Butch…what do you do when you are alone? Are you still stone?
Contemplate that pearl of wisdom for a second….
………………………………just don’t think too hard, this one will spin a good Butch gear fast.
I was asked this one and you know I didn’t want to answer it by any means….again, another reason to stop using the “stone” word in my identity words. The question completely caught me off guard, it’s logical, but it’s one tough question for sure, it never even occurred to me before I heard it said out loud. I can’t even relate to stone now…of course I’m not stone when I am alone….but I’m alone! I am never good at talking about sex, but I can have sex just fine…and get what I want generally with no problem. But ask me to talk about it and I go blank as a white rabbit in the snow. Performance is never an issue, explanation is. I know I need to be better about talking about it…but it’s just not an easily laid out subject for Butches…am I right? Yeah I am.
When I am alone I do think about sex sure, but I don’t like jack off ten times a day. That’s more of a male thing I think. I love to think about it though, dream about it and if I am desperate for gratification I may just handle it myself once in a great while. So yeah, if that makes me less than stone I guess I am not truly stone.
I have to say that my HIV status keeps me stone with my partners. It’s possibly an irrational fear, as the chance of my passing this virus on to anyone is about nil at this point in time. But it’s the mental anguish that I would deal with were it to ever happen that crosses my mind in the moment. As I have said before I have not always been stone, nor do I prefer to be actually, but it makes my life safer and easier somehow. It’s never been a real issue with anyone that I have encountered, my partners seem to just get it and not bother me about it. Will I stay stone with partners? Most likely.
I will not say positively because we all know there are exceptions to every rule.
Some days I just wonder stupid shit like this…and some days I wonder who the hell I really am.
I’m learning about myself all the time. It’s almost scary some days.