Soul mates…is there really such a thing? Is there really someone for everyone; someone who can and will hold you and deal with life alongside of you? Is there someone that can match you physically as well as intellectually? Someone who takes the bad along with the good? And who will stick around? Hmm….another post got me thinking about this, and I’m not sure I know what I really think about it, so it became the opening idea for this blog.
I’ve met some super women in my life. But I have to say each has had their own reasons, seasons and time frames in my life. Very few have impressed me to the point of me saying they were even close to being a sort of “soul mate”…I actually scoff at the mere words. While, I got along with some better than others, and there are a couple I would even still call friends, not one that I could say was my “soul mate” so I don’t even know that that exists. What I do I know is that you can certainly make strong connections on occasion, and when you make one hold on to it and give it all you got.
Sure, we all have our preferences in what we are attracted to; to what we each desire in a partner in life. Everyone has different desires, different things that attract them to another person, or type of person. It may start with a physical attraction, but for me if there isn’t any kind of intellectual attraction too, then I become less interested. I’m interested in how she thinks, what she thinks and why. I find myself more attracted to the personality of a person sometimes, it’s their strength in intellect and their sense of humor that I find curious and want to know more about.
I have talked about “types” a couple of times recently, and am finding that my “type” isn’t as cut and dried as I thought it was. The kind of woman I am attracted to can sometimes be on the line of a very smart and feminine type of lesbian. I like something about that, I admit it. But it’s not always those that toe the line of the Diva type femme that I am finding myself seriously attracted to. I think I like a more diverse sort in the long run. I am not into high maintenance at all anymore, and with the Divas you have to be willing to do that high maintenance dance. And I also find that women who think they are super attractive, the “all that and a bag of chips” types, tend to be high maintenance and difficult for me as well. I’d rather have a woman who knows her worth in the world, who is confident and courageous in being exactly who she is; who looks nice but isn’t conceited or focused on that, but who is more focused on being a good person, on the world around her and who knows how to put things into the right perspective.
Looking back at my own history, thinking about those who I had more positive experiences with it’s the more middle of the butch-femme road types that I have really clicked with personally. I like my girl to be able to rock a pair of jeans and a polo. Maybe I want her to like camping and kayaking as much as I do, when I am able to do it! Maybe I’d love her to like fishing too, and I will even bait the hooks! My ex-wife was this versatile kind for sure, she could heave a 60 lb. bale of hay into the truck, or load a horse with no problem at all and paddle the canoe while I fished like crazy, and rock the office in a business suit on workdays…very versatile. On the other end I did a lot of things that were important to her, theater performances, opera nights, formal events, business travel, horse events and entertaining of her friends. We each gave to the other in the relationship. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses I have found, including me. I like an independent woman, one who can get it done without complaint, is self-assure, but not stuck up or aloof. It’s just interesting to think about this…when it really comes down to personality and intelligence in the end, so I am not going to limit myself with the whole “femme” thing any longer, although I know it’s those that toe that femme line that do attract me initially sometimes.
I read the Slate article on lesbians and Butch attraction. Check it out it’s a really good article in my opinion. As someone who presents as definitely masculine of center I find it difficult to understand some of the more dominant lesbian types, the granolas I call them, they all look and act similar and seem to be the more “mainstream” type lesbians. They of course don’t get us in the Butch-Femme arena either.
I’ve had conversations with a friend over what it is that I consider Femme or Butch…and it’s soo damned hard to explain in terms that someone, who doesn’t see this dynamic at all, can really understand. I guess it’s different for those of us in the lifestyle ourselves, we don’t get why others don’t understand us. Then there starts that “you are mimicking the heteronormative roles” and I can get quite bent out of shape. Yes, there is a similarity with Butches being the more dominant and masculine role in the relationship and Femmes taking that more feminine side of the equation. The attraction for each is sort of on the basis that the opposite characteristics of what we are attract us to each other. It’s also a lifestyle and not one that everyone can relate to. I’ve been in and out of the B-F lifestyle across the years that I have been an out and proud lesbian (since 1980). I find that I function on a more normal level for myself inside of the dynamic for the most part, although everything has its exceptions. Generally, I like the way that Femmes get me, they seem to understand my visibility issues, like I in turn can understand their fight with invisibility.
It’s true that my Butch-ness can be attractive to some lesbians and even some straight women. I’ve found this to be more often the case than not. I think that somehow I can embody the more masculine attractive traits with a twist of the feminine and that is what attracts women in general. They like that more hard lined idea that I am female, but don’t always present like most other females.]. I have found that I can flirt with women that are theoretically straight, make them blush and laugh, and have them relax in ways around me that are comfortable for them. I used to toy with that quite often when I was hanging out in the biker bars years ago. Back then, I formed the theory then that there was no such thing as a “straight” woman…that they all could be swayed with the right approach, and I still think that I am right.
I am Butch because I am most comfortable and more authentically myself when I relax into my Butch self. I never “chose” to be Butch, it just has always been the way I have been. From the time I was very young I always was more comfortable and more myself as a masculine of center individual. I certainly tried to blend in during some periods of my life, like during the 80’s androgynous era of lesbian history. Back when all of us looked pretty much the same. Androgynous appearance has always been part of who I have been. I’ve always been mistaken for a boy/guy and it’s never really bothered me or hindered me in life. When I was working the more corporate world it was a bit of an advantage even because I was involved in a very male dominated industry, thus my aggressive personality was a good strategic tool at times. On job sites I could hold my own with the guys, and they respected me for that. In the office environment I was a tough, but fair, negotiator and took my job very seriously.
I don’t wake up in the morning and put this Butch personality on for the day. I wake up Butch, period. It permeates most every area of my life. Masculine of center is just who I am. I do not relate to much of anything feminine except in my attraction to women, then it’s those who are comfortable in their own being that I am most attracted to. I’ve never found myself attracted to another hardcore Butch. Some softer Butches, sure, on occasion I have found some to be attractive in their own ways. And the lesbians that play the middle of the road area, yes I do find quite a few of them attractive as well. Again, it’s all in attitude and intelligence in the end.
I do attract a certain type of woman being as Butch as I am. I do tend to attract those who identify as Femme for sure. And because I have chosen to be more open with my life in online media venues such as WordPress, Youtube and Facebook I also find that I don’t have much problem meeting plenty of very nice and attractive women. But I am very picky with both those I choose to call “friends” as well as those who become my lovers. I always choose those who give off good vibes, who show attentiveness to me and show interest in us getting to know one another better. It all starts with friendship, and if the vibrations there are good who knows where a friendly relationship may go.
When we add the word ‘stone’ into the mix people can get even more confused. It tends to conjure up the worst case examples for being a diesel dyke on steroids. Sure, sexually speaking I am stone, and I tend to like a more feminine woman in bed. I also like a woman who knows what she wants and knows how to get me to give her what she needs. I also want someone that I feel a heavy emotional connection with, so that I can feel as close to her as possible when we are intimately engaged. I love to cuddle, snuggle and be in total physical contact with my partner. I want her hands roaming my body, as mine roam hers, I love to touch and be touched for the most part. Some seem to think that stone Butches don’t want any touch, that’s not really true…we want touch, just that we have that boundary sometimes with the below the belt areas. It’s a preference for some, and a must for others. I have not always been stone, so it’s not that I don’t know what I am missing or anything like that, I understand my body quite well and I know what I like and what I don’t. Sex is a negotiation, and it’s a highly sensitive connection when it happens, and to me the more natural it feels to me the better it is. It’s strange to even talk about sex, but it’s something that has gotten easier as I have gotten older, hell when I was younger I didn’t want to talk about it ever, I just wanted to do it – no talking allowed! Haha I’ve had some friends though in recent years that have encouraged me to explore and talk about more sex and sexuality, thus I am a bit more comfortable with it all now, albeit not totally at ease with the topic ever.
So, in closing this up here let me say that, of course, there is no real “right” way of being Butch or Femme. It’s all in how each person sees it individually. There is no handbook to speak of, although I have seen several books about this subject lately. For some reason, someone had to try to write a book on how to be a Femme…like really? If you need instructions then it’s not something that comes very natural. I think it’s those who embody the identities quite naturally that are the most attractive to their peers. Butches want women who naturally feel feminine and who may also identify as Femme, and I believe that lesbians who are attracted to Butches find those of us who naturally take our Butch identities in stride; who are authentically Butch, to be attractive in our Butch sort of way.