Butch Stuff, General Blips

Who Am I ?

WhoAMI

I am a very passionate person.  I tend to write sometimes without rereading and adjusting things that come off wrong evidently.  I get into just writing my thoughts, and I should be doing more proofing I guess, but the passion of the moment in writing overrides me sometimes.

It’s hard to explain how I truly am to any person.  And when you look inside sometimes you see more negative than positive, I have tried to override those kinds of thoughts inside of my own head, and I have to say it’s made a world of difference,  Once upon a time I thought I was pretty much useless and not going anywhere, but now I know my worth and see that my journey is important.  I have shed the negative thoughts about myself and life in general, and now try like hell to keep that positive perspective on all things.

Who am I really?  

Well, I can be very passionate, and also very intense and determined….and maybe a little demanding.

I’m a resilient type person, I can take a lot. With my resilience comes my flexibility and ability to learn from things.

I am self-confident and self-assured.  I know what I bring to the table, I know my weaknesses, and I can handle myself.

I am fierce in my protection and defense of myself, my friends my family and my lover. it’s jut part of who I am.

I don’t give up easily, but I do know when to back off of things and just let them be for a while at least.

I like things to be clear and understood.  I like to know where I stand in things.  Don’t dick me around.

I’m honest to a fault, I tell it like I see it and I’m straight forward with stuff.

I can be patient as hell, for a period of time.  I’m not one to wait forever though, I don’t think that anyone would in truth.

I always try to bring my authentic self to the table, no matter what, and I do it with power and authority over who I am and how I am perceived.  Perhaps too much sometimes

I’m dedicated and committed to those things that are important to me in life.  I take commitment seriously, whether it’s commitment to getting something done, or commitment to my family, friends or a relationship.  I see commitment as a promise, and I don’t like to break promises.

I love people and wish everyone well no matter what in the end.  I tend to be very loving and caring.  I will give people chances sometimes beyond what they may deserve, but that’s because I see the good in them despite the bad moments.

I am very family oriented, and respect that in other people as well.  Our families are our blood ties to this planet.

I am gentle and yet firm.  I actually have the heart of a teddy bear, and want nothing more than to make others feel happy, safe and secure in my presence.

I am a good partner and a good friend.  I don’t make enemies easily, and I hold only a few as “good friends”

I am funny, I use humor and satire to deal with lots of things in life, sometimes appropriately, sometimes not so much.

I’m a decent looking stone Butch lesbian and I take pretty damned good care of myself.  Good health and appearance are important to me.  My personal health can be complicated, but it’s not difficult and I keep it under control.

I keep myself open to the world and it’s opportunities.  I maintain a positive perspective, as I have found negativity to be draining, stressful and unproductive.  I try to keep that out of my life.  Nothing is without solution or resolution.

And I have my weaknesses…I haven’t always been great at emotional stuff, at communication of emotions.  Often when I want to say something I will hold back for fear of it coming off wrong or being seen a fool.  I’ve been working diligently on the emotional side of myself, and it’s greatly improved even in the last 6 months.  I’m learning myself very well.

I’m still growing and learning about myself, it’s an ongoing process for all people I believe.  And people do change over time.  Like, I know that I am not the same person that I was 5 years ago…I’ve definitely done a ton of maturing and have learned to better understand myself and to better sit with my emotions.  I’ve learned a ton of self-control, self-confidence and have gained a lot of self-esteem that I formerly lacked.  Today I walk a lot taller and feel a lot better about who I have become in this world.  It’s a good feeling.

In the situations where I have left or become cold in a relationship it’s always been because of very definitive reasons.  I don’t take to kindly to much bullshit.(i.e. cheating, lying, ignorance, arrogance, disrespect)  And if I can’t change it then I will often turn my back on it.  Life is just too damned short for all of us to be putting up with crap thrown into our lives unnecessarily by other people.  I like things to be honest, clear and understood.  I like to know where I stand in things.  When I don’t know is when I get very wary and weary of the chase.  No one, especially me, wants to chase a ghost of something, we need something substantial to base things on.

Someone said to me yesterday that the chase is what they like in a relationship.  I guess it’s not that I don’t enjoy the chase to some degree, but I also have to know basically where I stand in the chase, am I gaining or losing?  If I am gaining I am more likely to keep up the pace, if I am losing I will turn it down and turn it off eventually.  Although I do not give up easily if I am sure that I know what I want and what I am after is what I truly welcome into my life.  But there is a point where the chase can become too much if I am the only one participating, then I have learned that’s the best time to just let go and move on down the road.  I’ve been in this battle for love for many years…I’ve seen the best and worst in people and I’ve seen and know all the tricks and ways people can manipulate on another.  Women are particularly good at that.

When I have an issue with someone that I seriously care for then I try like hell to work it through, and not just give up and throw in the towel.  Things aren’t always easy, life is never easy.  Love certainly isn’t easy or a given to anyone.  I’m not a quitter, never have been.  Yes, I have left some bad situations, I’ve saved my own ass a few times, but I’ve not quit when I knew it was worth fighting for something.  I’ve had a super long-term, very successful relationship – even though it’s ended as a relationship now I consider it to have been a very big success as it was part of my formative years and learning about the world and a very important part of my life.  And I’ve chosen to stay basically single the last few years, albeit I have seen a couple of women, I haven’t let myself back into any type of serious relationship for quite some time.  I didn’t want it, I didn’t need it and it was just time that I needed to rebuild myself personally. Sometimes we all have to do it, I get that.

I did have someone enter my life that I really came to care for deeply.  It only saddens me that this person can’t seem to let go of her many preconceived notions of not only who I am but what this love would look like.  She’s pretty damned awesome, and those kinds of people don’t often cross our paths.  It’s a rare thing for it to happen, and should be capitalized upon, so, I hate to just let it go, but I’ve been forced to do just that.  She can’t see it.  So it’s useless for me to continue to have the vision in my own head of what could be with us, when she can’t see it herself.  It’s got to be all good though, I can’t let it drag me down because that just isn’t who I am anymore. I’ve learned that when someone else doesn’t want similar things out of a relationship that – after a valiant try – you should just walk on and find someone who does wish for similar things. I did give it my best shot to allow her into my life, and to try to be in hers, but it just wasn’t working the way it should have worked.

So what do I want?  I want someone who cares for me like I care for them.  It’s that easy.  It’s that simple.  And it could and will be a beautiful thing.

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Butch Stuff

Boots

I bought another pair of boots.  Yeah, I now own 4 pairs of work boots and 2 pair of riding boots…it’s a little ridiculous. These are steel toe Timberland Pro’s…and quite awesome, and I basically stole them for the price I paid.  Nice freaking boots.  Although they do need a good coat of polish and water proofing.  I’ll get to that today I am sure.

I’m thinking of tossing one pair of the tan Tims I have, but then they been with me for so many years that I feel guilty tossing them, like I would be tossing an old friend or something.  Maybe I will save them for lawn mowing since that turns whatever I have on my feet green anyway.

So I have a boot thing.  My feet are so freaking tender, and I find that only work boots give me the arch support that my ailing feet often need.  The Army didn’t do my poor dogs any good running in combat boots up to 10 miles at a time.  When I was in the service they didn’t allow you to wear sneakers for physical training unless you had a doctor’s notes…and that was a pussy thing to do, get that note, so you know I never did it.  Heh.  So basically I suffered and today my feet pay the price for those years of wear and tear, plus what I’ve just put on them naturally.  As long as I wear the boots I don’t seem to have as much pain and trouble with them though.

Only a Butch can get this excited about new work boots….

Boots

Black Timberland Pro Series boots

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Things Butch-Femme

Types

I been thinking lately, and having some long conversations, about my “type” of woman that I am usually attracted to and end up dating in general, the Femme identified type.  Generally I go for those who truly identify as Femme and it’s because they accept that I am fundamentally different and don’t go attempting to change me.  That’s what’s always attracted me to the stone Femme types.  They get it, they get me and they don’t stress me out.  But it seems it’s also sometimes the fact that I have a “type” that seems to restrict me and get me into trouble, per se.  So I been thinking a lot about this type thing, and thinking that I need to change up, and go for a different type of woman for a change.  Maybe a little less of the diva Femme leaning type, and more of the middle of the road type, not overly Femme, but not anywhere near Butch either!

I’ve been forced to think about it for sure.  Not that I am complaining, it’s good that I am thinking like this.  It’s good to expand my circle a bit more and start thinking outside the proverbial box for a change.  Maybe it’s my limiting of myself that’s stressing my love life out so freaking much, because I seem to turn away the affections of some good damned women only because I don’t think they are my type then, I choose women who are completely unattainable in the long run and end up banging my head against the fucking wall.  It’s a vicious cycle.  Or I get bored with it and I move on…another vicious cycle.  Either way, the type that I’ve been choosing seems to have been all wrong.  I choose women because I am attracted to their Femme characteristics, not because I want to be like them, but because I want to be close to them and their expression of the feminine.  I’ve spent my life railing against feminization and yet I’m attracted to it like a bee to honey in my love interests.  Then my type also tends to be generally high strung right from the get go, it’s stressful.

If I look back at my history (ouch that hurts) it’s the women that I have been involved with that didn’t worry about labels that I had the most fun and good times with, that I loved the most. I was always exactly where I wanted to be at the time I was there, doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.  I came more strongly into the Butch-Femme world more about 8 years ago now and I am finding it’s been nothing but one big fucking roller coaster of shit.  Now some are going to take offense to this…I know, I am not trying to please anyone with my truth here, but just say this is what my experience has been.  I have been with one truly diva Femme who did rock my world upside down, and it was an incredible ride, but in the end I knew I had to leave for her own good.  I knew she was beyond my ultimate capability at that time, so I did leave…it was the hardest thing that I ever had to do honestly. To turn my back on her was excruciatingly painful.  If I had it to do over I would definitely choose another route.  But other than her I think that maybe I have been chasing up the wrong type for sure.  That was then this is now.

I’m fairly demanding.  Or I can be.  I demand a certain level of communication and without it I lose interest or get pissed off and just cease and desist.  I can turn into an ice cube in 30 minutes flat given good reason.  (I hear that southern laugh all the way up here, yeah).  I know I can be a hard ass about things sometimes and that doesn’t do me much good in the end.  But I am one who generally makes things happen in my life and while I am demanding, I am also very fair. I never expect more than I am willing to give.  I demand respect and I give respect.  It’s pretty simple.

So, my new type…hmm…she’s great at communication, she’s attentive and to the point.  I will know where I stand at all times with her.  And I’ll be happy just having that much.  I know it would be difficult for me to completely change everything I am attracted to in a woman, I still am attracted to a more feminine than me type, but I’m not going to be so hard line on the Femme identity thing anymore.  It’s just not working for me.  My ex-wife didn’t identify as Femme. She was very middle of the road, and could even be Butch when she needed to be around her horses and in the barn…but she was a woman through and through; a business executive that could dress that part when needed – and be damned sexy doing it – and who could casual out with me on weekends like no one’s business.  I’m going to look for more women similar to that, a woman who can just relax and be who she is without worrying about what the rest of the world thinks about it.

I don’t think about where I am going to be in 5 years, I gave that up years ago.  Hell, at one point with my ex-wife we holed up in a nice hotel suite in Newport, Rhode Island and had a big ‘ole fucking “life summit”…over a period of 3 days we completely planned the next 10 years of our lives together…and look where that got me, about 5 years later I was on a motorcycle crossing the country alone. (I’ve written about this before I believe.)   I put a lot less stock today in planning my love life that far ahead.  I just want to be with someone who is concerned with now, and not with if it would work long-term, because there are no guarantees.  Short-term, long-term whatever term, it doesn’t matter because anything can happen, and somethings are bound to get in the way along the trail, it’s how you navigate that matters the most.  And I am a damned good obstacle course runner!  Things don’t always make sense, but the heart never lies.  You are where you want to be right this second, and that’s what matters.  Oh and resilience matters, the ability to be flexible and understanding are required.

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Things Butch-Femme

Preoccupied.

I haven’t written in several days, been just too preoccupied with other parts of my life to get anything out on this blog.  This is good, and bad I suppose.  Sometimes when I get miffed about something my silent partner takes over, and I go into this place where I deal with it internally, so as not to bring on any external pressure or hate.  I suppose to some extent that is whats been going on, at least in one part of my life.

Other things that have kept me from writing much are that I started my new job, went out drinking on Wednesday night with an old flame, and didn’t feel so good on Thursday…I accidentally smashed the bedroom TV in my stupor even…got up Thursday, headache and all and went to my new job orientation…yeah, minor hangover and all.  And let me just interject here, I do not usually drink.  But a full 6 pack of Mike’s hard cider got the best of my ass on Thursday, and you know what?  It felt really fucking good.  Plus we had a balls good time.  Lobsters steamers, corn on the cob and salads for dinner, a nice long soak in the hot tub in the misting rain, awesome fire-side laughter, and lots of those damned Mike’s ciders…by 10pm I was feeling no pain.  That’s probably the most buzzed I’ve been since my brother’s wedding in 1999…shit, I was plastered at that event, and I was the best man, John Beluschi style.

Anyway, for someone who doesn’t drink those Mike’s sure went down smooth. (Hell…it’s making me want one just writing about it now). My friend J was here from Colorado for a yoga retreat in Boston…plus a couple of nights here in town at my sister’s place, so it was our cause to celebrate. She only visits once a year or so, and we always have tons of great local food – so I really enjoy the visits. Plus I do love to party over at my younger sister’s place, it’s just so awesome and such a relaxing kind of atmosphere for me.  I know everyone of you is asking ‘what about the hot tub?’  Yeah, hot tub….the first time in water without a shirt on in decades…haha.  That particular hot tub is very well hidden and private, so it wasn’t a big deal anyways, but I did have to stop and let myself feel that feeling for a second. I sat there with the hot water running around my bare skin, and man did it feel great.  If I still had my hot tub I’d be in it every night again.  A minor sad loss to divorce..

The conversation was so interesting all night. J of course, was curious about everyone here at “home” (She’s originally from here and graduated with my sister, thus the long friendship of theirs).  So it’ was like the giant update session, of Joe’s doing this now and seeing so and so, and Sally is out of work and doing drugs..Jr is playing football and smoking weed…no, seriously some of the stories do get like that , but most are just family updates, and man you can find out the whole damn town’s business once you get people talking like that.  We had a freaking b l a s t. and now my head is full of TMI about a whole lot of things that don’t concern me, but are extremely interesting or funny.  Townies.  Plus we got to see pics and show pics of people at least some of us hadn’t seen in a long time.  I love that I have remained friends with J, it’s been a long time of knowing one another, like 25+ years now…it’s cool to have someone who’s seen so much of your life along with you, who has been aware of the journey in one way or another, either close up or from afar, that knows me like she does.  It’s kind of strange to even think about that right now…damn…I forget what she knows about my life, ups and downs, good and evil, hahaha…that’s scary.

So the job.  Well it’s work, it’s the perfect amount of hours at 29 a week for me, and it’s decent pay.  Plus it’s a job where I get to work with, and around tools.  Power tools.  Butch Heaven.  I am basically just doing company orientation now, and going through all the safety stuff you have to do in order to work in that type of business anyways.  It’s a lot of computer work, videos and tests…which I usually suck at, but I’ve managed to pass all of thus far.  I have no doubt I’ll do fine with the rest, hell I worked at the other place for 6 months, and that was a little different, but pretty much the same type of atmosphere – home improvement, but the new place tends to get a little more upscale clientele I’ve noticed.  I’ve seen other LGBT people working there already, gaydar like.  Perhaps I’m wrong, but I think there may be more than I know…there’s 130 employees in the building..what’s the percentage of likelihood that there aren’t a bunch.  It’ll be an interesting job, especially through the Christmas season.  I’m imagining the women coming in to buy new tools for their male, male oriented or Butch (or anyone who LOVES tools as much) counterparts….eheheh..I am going to be working in Butch Heaven…tools, girls, guys to shoot the crap with…yup, Butch Fucking Heaven.

It’s Saturday night…I was going to stay home but I just had the brilliant idea to go hang out at the bowling alley in Portsmouth…who knows what kind of adventure that could turn into tonight.  I’m hungry, so it’s a good place to go with Ty working the bar and grill.  Plus I could use the exercise of bowling a few strings…and I have tomorrow off as well.  So here’s where I’m leaving you for the night dear readers.  🙂   May your adventures be awesome.

So, how stoned did I get before writing this blog (that’s the other question floating around out there I know, ah I know my friends, eh eh). Very.

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Butch Stuff, General Blips

Thursday Morning Musings…

I have orientation for my new job at Lowe’s today at 9:30 am.   I am really psyched, and am looking forward to venturing back out into the working world.  Now that I am fully healed from top surgery and have my strength back I should be fine to be working again.  This job I will be working primarily in the hardware and tool department…yes, TOOLS…it’s like the Butch Heaven part of any home improvement store.  Maybe I can help some of the local Femmes pick out good Christmas presents this year for their tool hungry Butch partners!  🙂  I’m pleased to be getting back to work, I don’t care to have so much free time on my hands, plus it will be a good financial move as winter is coming and bills tend to go up.  At least with working I won’t have to struggle quite as much to stretch things through the winter and then maybe I can take next summer off again if things go well.  We’ll see, it may do me more good to just work through the year

My ex and a very good friend, Jody, is in town right now. She and I got together last night for some time in the hot tub and catch-up conversation.  It’s really cool to have such awesome ex-lovers who have remained close friends.  Jody and I had history back in our 20’s…so it was a long time ago, and we’ve remained very close friends ever since.  It was a wild time of life for both of us then, and we walked part of that wild-side journey together, having some awesome adventures to say the least! The stories we have of our time together are pretty cool and some are outright funny as hell.   Now she is married to a really great guy and has a pre-teen daughter, and lives in the mountains of Colorado.  She’s here for a yoga retreat in Boston, and made visiting me part of her trip!  It was really super nice getting to just lay around in the hot tub last night and chat.  It was also my first experience with being in the water with my chest bare…which felt incredibly great.

Tonight we will procure lobsters from our local lobster buddy and have a lobster feed.  I’m sure it will be accompanied by a nice bonfire and hopefully another nice long soak in the spa. That felt so good last night, it relieved all of the tension in my body and made me sleep like a rock last night.  I miss having my own hot tub.  One of those things that got lost in divorce…only because I left it there as I didn’t have a place to store it until I could move it.  After a while I figured just leave it there and one day I will get another one.  I’m planning to rebuild the back deck on the house here, and I will most likely incorporate a new hot tub into that project when I do it.  They are just such nice therapy for my back and shoulders, as well as relaxing as hell.  Thankfully my family is still in the business of selling hot tubs, so getting one shouldn’t be very difficult.

The antique shop booth has been doing fairly well this last month.  I was going to pull out of that particular shop at the end of October, but am thinking that I may leave it alone for at least another month and keep changing up the inventory items for the coming holiday season.  It’s a chance call, either move to another shop for a while, or have booths in two different shops…plus I’ll be working now, and doing all the other things that I do…yeah, going to be a challenging couple of months of getting used to a new schedule and getting my life swung around to fit it all in without stressing myself out too much.  Good thing I am healthy and have a lot of good energy!

The weather has been awesome lately. Yesterday – mid October – it’ hit 80 degrees here!  Unbelievable!  I should have been outside mowing my lawn and doing fall clean up projects, but I chose to go off cruising around town instead.  It was a superb day for driving!  I figured I wouldn’t get many more of those kinds of days, so I took advantage of it while I could.  I ended up picking up some more parachute cord and have whipped up about a dozen new cobra knot survival bracelets, just to keep my hands and fingers in shape.  Sometimes at this time of year I have arthritis in them that acts up.  If I can keep my hands busy then it helps to keep them from getting stiff and sore.  I have enough cord to do probably another dozen bracelets.  Who knows what I will end up doing with them!  I’m thinking I may make Nola a new collar for Christmas if I can get the right colors of cord, which means that possibly a fun trip up to the Army Barracks store is in my future!

I been feeling pretty damned good this week.  I do still miss someone who was special to me, but I’m resigned to the facts at this point.  So no use in getting myself twisted about it when it’s just out of my hands.  It’s great that I have so many awesome friends who like to keep my time occupied and my mind off of things.  I really owe them all a great deal of gratitude on that front.  Plus, my mood has been really good, the medication adjustment has worked well.  My T has also been adjusted up for a short time here, and that’s playing a bit of havock with my sex-drive for sure.  I could about mess something up right now, heheheh.

I happened upon another great blogger who does a good amount of blogging on Stone Butch topics, thanks to another reader who brought this blogger to my attention!  For some really great stuff, both about Stone and about Butch-Femme dynmics and some erotica along those lines as well check out Xanwest ‘s blog.  I am sure you will all be completely blown away by their writing and the depth of explanation of Butch sexuality and sexual being.  I know I was.  I wish I could get those words out of my own mouth/fingers but I am just too shy to discuss it as Xan does.  I commend their courage!  And I shall continue to be an avid reader of that blog.

Ok, off to have my shower and get ready for this brand new day!  I do hope that your day goes well.  Do something daring today…take a chance, and have a great day!!!

Peace!

~MB

 

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Things Butch-Femme

What Is Stone?

this is the BEST blog on Stone Butch existence and sexuality that I have read to date. Could not have written this better myself…BRAVO!

Kink Praxis

We say “stone” as if it was clear. As if it was obvious, immediately legible. As if you could read our nuances embedded in that one word, instantly. As if we all mean exactly the same thing. Most of the time, we don’t say it at all. But when we do, when we sit down with a lover and name ourselves as stone (usually a bit nervously), we often say that one word as if it could hold all the parts of us not seen. Almost as if it was magic. We don’t want to talk about it, pay attention to it, turn anyone’s gaze toward it, so we cross our fingers and hope we can boil it down to that one word, and that will be enough.

This post (and this whole blog series) attempts to talk about it. Which means it is already treading in uncomfortable places, and…

View original post 2,815 more words

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Butch Stuff, Family, Gender Identity, LGBT Community Issues, Relationships, Things Butch-Femme

Current Thoughts on Relationships and Me

My 3 day weekend was pretty much a non-event.  I do stay busy, but could have thought of a whole lot of other things I would have rather been doing, but it’s all good….I did get alot done around here and watched most of the football games on Sunday as well as the Monday night game.  My New England Patriots football team managed to win against Buffalo this week….thank God.

Of course Saturday night was spent with great family and friends at our annual Pumpkin Carving / Chowda Cookoff party. I like that one because all of the kids are there, and there must have been 40 of them…it’s fun to see them all as they are growing up and starting to form little age-alike gangs among the group.These kids just don’t know the memories they are making together today will stay with them for so damned long. I remember these events and gatherings from when I was a kid and all the wild and crazy things we would think up to do together, like build bigger tree forts, play battle games and have ruckus games of flashlight tag.  I lived close to many of my cousins – and there are LOTS of them – so we had the opportunity to get together quite often for fun.  It’s so cool to come from such a large and awesome family, the kids just don’t realize how very lucky they are to have each other to grow up alongside.

I spent some good time in the antique and thrift stores over the weekend.  Between working on Saturday at one sale and then picking at other places on Sunday and Monday, I found some really cool treasures…inlcuding a vintage Zippo lighter from Sturgis (a limited edition) that’s worth a few bucks, and some other neat stuff that will go in the shop for resale.  I’m torn about the Zippo…I almost want to keep it, but I should turn it over.  It’s just so cool, gold plated with the Sturgis logo on it.  Very nice find.  I need to go up to the shop today and put some stuff in the case, I’ll take it with me and most likely put it up for sale.

I”m sitting here this morning listening to music and just chilling out. I’ve made out the Halloween cards that I managed to get last night on my excursion to the pharmacy for meds I was out of .  I do enjoy sending out snail mail to some of my friends who are also into still using the US and even some international postal systems.  I have figured out that the Australian system is screwed, nothing every gets through.  The UK and Canadian system seem to work perfectly though. And even Guyana can get letters through!  It’s kind of a crap shoot sometimes sending things to other countries.  Plus the postage is a bit high too. But I like written letters, and so do my friends.  It’s just more personal and there’s something about opening your mailbox and getting a letter that someone sat down and wrote just for you. There’s just something really intimate about a personal letter.

I’m really anxious to get back to work, and to meet some new people.  Work does that for ya, and working in the home improvement industry you tend to meet all kinds of people every day.  Being especially fond of women like i am, I am hoping to meet some single women as well.  My life does not have enough single, available women in it!  I don’t tend to be a bar patron much anymore, although I’ve been told that I need to change that and give it a shot if I am to meet a good woman, so I may give that a few tries.  It’s just that I have this preconceived notion that good girls do not hang out in bars and clubs.  Sure, I’ve picked up women in those places before, but there was one objective, and I can never recall any one of the encounters leading to anything other than sex and a good time.  I’m more looking to find someone now who wants to try on a relationship for size. Who wants more than just sex; who wants to get to know me and let me get to know them.  It’s hard to explain I guess, I am just tired of the “dating” thing and would like to be a bit more exclusive with someone.

I’ve been talking alot with an American friend I have who lives abroad, and she keeps me thinking alot about what I need in a relationship.  It’s really not much, I am just maybe too simple.  She herself is very demanding, and asks me some very pointed questions.  She keeps telling me I need a good girl who really loves me and wants to be with me and who shows me that daily.  Our conversations are pretty interesting to say the least.  She’s got me thinking that I need to adjust my “type” a bit.  Maybe not go for the Femmes only.   The last woman I dated presented as Femme, but didn’t really have the Femme attitude or ways about her entirely, but that was okay with me ….so I’m not stuck on just dating Femmes, but more on dating more feminine women in general  with good heads on their shoulders and all their baggage neatly packed in one suitcase.

I just want a woman who can keep up with me.  Someone who cares about me and lets me know that every day – no matter how far apart we may be at the time.  Butch-Femme relationships are awesome, and with the right combination it can be exhilarating to say the least.  And I tend to click much better with younger women, 5 to 15 years younger is about as far as I will go now though.   I like women who are very unlike me, who are more opposites.  I am more rough on the edges, and I want a woman who is more soft and understanding, and one who will understand Butch and what that means.  Problem is that I have been meeting women who really don’t get it, and as much as I want them to, or as much as I try, they still just don’t get the dance. I don’t mind teaching but you have to want to learn too.   I also have this thing about trying to keep my interests withing a geographical range – like within 2-3 hours of where I live.  That way I can actually see them more often than I could with a longer distance situation.  It’s not so much to ask.  She’s out there.  And I know when the timing is right it will happen again, as it always does with me.

I haven’t been ready for a real relationship until recently.  Just this year I started more seriously thinking about it and wanting to get away from the single, solitary lifestyle that I have been leading the last 6 years. Things are better in my life now, not wild and out of control anymore.  I finally have my shit together and can do this.  Yeah, there have been women in there but nothing substantial.  Women I had good times with but who weren’t the ones I wanted to stay in my life for any length of time, or that I would commit to entirely. I’ve had a couple that turned out to be really good friends and that I do stay in touch with, but friends is all they are now.

I did consider the poly life for a while.  But it’s too complicated for me personally with my health issues and the way my mind works.  I want a woman that I can treat good and call “my girl” not a half a dozen play partners/lovers.  I just can’t keep up with more than one woman at a time anymore.  I tried it in my younger days, and even then it was always a disaster in the end,  as I would seemingly always hurt someone.

I’m also attracted to very intelligent women, I find smart women to be uber sexy. Sure, they can look good too, but being super smart and being able to hold their own in a conversation ranks right up there pretty high.  When I take an interest in a woman it’s usually first through seeing her and saying “wow, she’s nice looking”, then finding out if she’s smart enough to keep me engaged.  That’s important to me.

I’ve learned a lot recently about myself.  Which is really actually a very good thing.  I’ve learned that I can be really patient and at the same time I can also just be too nice.  I’ve learned that I do have the right to be demanding to some degree, and anyone who wants to be with me will understand my requests and demands.  We all have them, we all have ways that we expect things to be and not be, and we all need to be clear with those things right up front.  Learning about myself and the lessons keep me fresh and ready for more adventures. I have also sort of got a new idea about women and their “crazy ex’s” they talk about…if a woman has more than ONE crazy ex in her life it’s probably her issue, not theirs.  People can be made to act crazy when they are presented with crazy stuff to act out about.  And it’s a good measure of where you might end up too.  Hopefully these newer things I’ve learned keep me being a bit more cautious, without being too reserved either.  I can get pretty shy and overly protective of myself, and that never helps me meet women, so I have to balance that with my desire to have that right woman in my life. I can do it.  I am ready.

So I have been watching the news and it’s like the world is just in total chaos right now. With this Ebola scare spreading like wildfire, ISIS going nuts in Syria and Iraq and the US doing little to nothing to really stop the carnage, which pisses me off.  Then there was another Trans* killing in the Philipines over the weekend, a US Marine killed a Transwoman…just great…and shameful on us.  I read my other bloggers and see that some are losing or have lost loved ones recently, and I think about how lucky I am to not be in that situation currently.  But I feel for them deeply. It’s never easy to lose someone, I lost a lot of friends over the years to death, and it just never gets easier.  I think every time it’s made me a little harder on the inside.

35 States now have marriage equality, with all the struck down bans…that’s more than half way there. The count changes so rapidly lately I can’t keep up.  I wonder if one day I will marry again….hahahahaha….omg, I need the right girl first!  I can see being married again if I do find that girl of my dreams.  But it’s nothing I am jumping into for sure.  The whole situation and the girl will have to be the perfect storm for me to take that leap again.  It would be nice to come home to my girl every night after work, or see her after her return from work; to sleep in the same bed listening to her breath in the darkness, and to wake up to her every morning.  Those are things that I need again that I miss terribly.  Sharing meals, walks, and bonfire relaxation time as well as snuggling on the couch with a movie, and traveling when we can together.  And I can be such a romantic with the right girl.  *sigh* one day again…one day.

In the meantime, I am not going to sweat it.  Just going to keep my Butch ass looking the best I can look, conduct myself in the best way possible and be my authentic self.  Somewhere out there is a woman who wants me just the way that I am.

Peace!   ~MB

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