Just a Ramble…

It’s hump day!  Wednesday!  And I am off from work until Friday evening, when I work a short 4 hour shift – which will be a piece of cake on my feet after these three long ass days I just put in pounding that concrete jungle floor where I work.  I used to have so much more enthusiasm for working, and I was reminded of it today seeing the energy of someone who is excited about her work…it reminded me of the days when I was eye-ball deep in the swimming pool construction and service industry and loved my job so much I would put in 12-14 hour days no problem ~ because I loved it.  Of course I was in my 30’s and gung ho about making a killing in cash.  I lost that enthusiasm for the most part when I left that industry and the corporate environment.  Now the only time I get excited about any kind of work is when I am working for myself.  Then it doesn’t even matter what I do, as long as I am my own boss and set my own hours I am a happy worker.  This working for the corporate world is necessary right now, but I must say it sucks in so many ways.

Currently, I work in a retail home improvement / general contracting environment so I am working with the public all the time, which I don’t mind at all, I actually enjoy people immensely.  The department manager – I work in the tool sales and hardware department – seems really grouchy all the time and it comes off to the customers too…I’m struggling with how to deal with that issue because it will drive me insane to have this guy continually being negative and blowing sales.  I can’t stand to see an unhappy customer walk away when I know I could have helped them myself.

Nola is adjusting to me going to work.  She’s a funny, and smart little dog.  I tell her I am going to work, she watches me lace up my boots to go, and then she will give me snuggles for a minute and head in to my bedroom or onto the back of the couch where she’ll settle in for the day.  When I get home she’s is all super wiggly and giggly, making tons of puppy noises and little yips of excitement as she basically about turns herself inside out with glee at seeing me come in the door…it’s a really nice little greeting when you come home to an empty house…makes it not so empty.

I’ve had a hard week.  I know part of it is adjusting to the work schedule, and the loss of my free time…I know I’m spoiled by having the ability to make it without working full time…I shouldn’t complain a bit, but it’s that loss of my freedom to move about as I please that gets me the most.

My reading and writing time has been severely compromised as well.  Plus I want to be talking to Mushy when I can and the time difference of 6 hours makes it so I am working now during our opportune talking time.  This pisses me off, and I know it irritates her a bit too.  She thinks I am being short, but I often have to go because I am on a limited time frame…something we didn’t have to cope with in the beginning of our conversations. But I do enjoy those conversations and her company via texts and tonight Skype!  So we’ll just continue to work around the job hours.  She’s lucky to be the boss at her job, so she’s kind of got free rein on her own time and can be talking to me whenever she pleases provided she’s not in a meeting or with clients.  Lucky duck.

So I did post a private blog about the ending of seeing “DG” as I used to call the woman I was interested in who lives nearby me.  I wrote the blog as sort of a putting down, for myself, in words what happened and why I think it happened and some of what I learned from the experience.  I am still a little sad that it had to end that way, but I didn’t know what else to do, she wasn’t responding to me and I saw no other choice than to just end things and let her get on with whatever it is that she’s involved in, and let me get on with my life and not be feeling like I was waiting in the wings for her attention. I was very into her and didn’t want to hurt her either.  But I was hurting from the confusion myself, so I had to do it.   It’s a password protected blog, so the details are pretty much private to me and a VERY select few who have the password.  I didn’t feel it was a blog that necessarily needed to be public, for myself and out of respect for her.  Although I have always protected her identity anyway, and would never compromise that out of respect.  I do wish her well, and wish that maybe things could have been different had we had more time, and I worry about her as she suffers with a lot of stress.

Dating is kind of on my mind but not lately.  I’m not really sure what I think about it to tell the truth.  I’d love to have someone that I could wrap my arms around and not only make them feel safe and loved, but feel that way myself too.  But I’m really skeptical these days.  I’m not sure that there IS really someone that I can connect with on that level again within my striking distance rule.  Mushy and I talk, and while I do have a little crush on her, I know that she’s right when she tells me that she’s too young, and too far away right now for me to be thinking about her that way. I always go for those younger women, and for those unattainable womena….it’s an addiction I think sometimes, although she is over my 30 yr old mark..but she’s definitely in the unattainable bracket, and I am aware of that more now.

If only I were 10 years younger, haha…but it’s okay, we are great friends and that’s what counts the most.  She keeps me from being too lonely, keeps me engaged in great conversations, makes me think and seems to genuinely care for me…I’m a lucky damned Butch.  I meet some of the most awesome people in this world, and connect occasionally with a great one like her.  Yeah, 10 years younger and a bit more mobile and I’d be all set.  But I am 52, settled down and kind of want someone who wants to live a quiet life, snuggling by the bonfire on a Saturday night, or watching movies on the couch. The extent of my excitement would be camping and kayaking down the Saco, or a long drive through the mountains on a Saturday afternoon, stopping maybe at a motel for an intimate night of fun.   Maybe I’m just boring, but hey I’m happy and a lot less stressed than most with things just the way they are for me.

So I guess it’s definitely the single Butch life once again for me.  I’m cool with that.  Someday that woman of my dreams will show up and want to stay…maybe.  I wonder sometimes if I am too demanding, is it wrong to want some kind of emotional connection as well as a sexual / physical one? (Not that I am not into great sex!)  I think as I have gotten older I put a lot more emphasis on that personal emotional connection.  I’m very independent, so I don’t require much, but I do require some definite things, like lots of communication and some positive attention.  I give as well as I get in this area too.

Dating is just so fucking complicated these days.  You have to meet someone…generally via online process…and then get to know them and if they live like a bazillion miles away it just sucks.  I wish there were more of an out community here in the area where I live.  I do see a lot of LGBT people at work, a couple that work in the building and a few customers that have made the all knowing eye contact thing.  But more or less I get mistaken for a guy at work anyways, so it’s fucking fruitless right now for me.  Any woman that I date would have to be strong willed, strong minded and smart, and not be bothered by what other people think of us.  Plus she would have to be willing to commit to us getting to know each other pretty good before I am taking it any further again.  I’ve made some minor mistakes in the past in moving too fast…I think I need to slow it down, but when I get that feeling like I did with DG that I was so sure of I let my caution go to the wind.  It’s just a bitch to meet someone that you are really into like that and then to have it not go the way you want it to go.  Just a bitch.

Ok, I need to find a way to sleep and get my mind clear.  I’m starting to get that overwhelmed feeling, anxiety and feeling like I am coming undone.  It’s too much stuff on my mind, too many little things that just pile up into a big mess.  Work has me also stressed out about keeping up with the house and it’s needs.  I need to get to the yard and doing the outside winter preparation stuff tomorrow…except it’s started to rain tonight, ugh.  I can still get everything put away and stored for the winter, get the storm windows down and make sure I have dry wood for some winter bonfires.  yeah…winter night bonfires…so nice on a warmer night when the stars are bright in the sky above…looking forward to that for sure.

Peace~    MB

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3 Replies to “Just a Ramble…”

  1. Without meaning to insult Donna (we’ve been together for 30 years an I do love her dearly) what I want in a partner is actually a lot of what I have with my dog. If Donna got as excited as Gracie gets when I come home, we’d have a lot more fun…

  2. I will happen. You will find ‘her’. You may already know ‘her’ and not realize it. Just be you, in all your beautiful ‘butchness’ and take care of you, and if it’s meant to be, ‘she’ will come. Keep the bonfires going out in the “Yaad”… and in your heart my friend. 🙂

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