Things Butch-Femme


I been thinking lately, and having some long conversations, about my “type” of woman that I am usually attracted to and end up dating in general, the Femme identified type.  Generally I go for those who truly identify as Femme and it’s because they accept that I am fundamentally different and don’t go attempting to change me.  That’s what’s always attracted me to the stone Femme types.  They get it, they get me and they don’t stress me out.  But it seems it’s also sometimes the fact that I have a “type” that seems to restrict me and get me into trouble, per se.  So I been thinking a lot about this type thing, and thinking that I need to change up, and go for a different type of woman for a change.  Maybe a little less of the diva Femme leaning type, and more of the middle of the road type, not overly Femme, but not anywhere near Butch either!

I’ve been forced to think about it for sure.  Not that I am complaining, it’s good that I am thinking like this.  It’s good to expand my circle a bit more and start thinking outside the proverbial box for a change.  Maybe it’s my limiting of myself that’s stressing my love life out so freaking much, because I seem to turn away the affections of some good damned women only because I don’t think they are my type then, I choose women who are completely unattainable in the long run and end up banging my head against the fucking wall.  It’s a vicious cycle.  Or I get bored with it and I move on…another vicious cycle.  Either way, the type that I’ve been choosing seems to have been all wrong.  I choose women because I am attracted to their Femme characteristics, not because I want to be like them, but because I want to be close to them and their expression of the feminine.  I’ve spent my life railing against feminization and yet I’m attracted to it like a bee to honey in my love interests.  Then my type also tends to be generally high strung right from the get go, it’s stressful.

If I look back at my history (ouch that hurts) it’s the women that I have been involved with that didn’t worry about labels that I had the most fun and good times with, that I loved the most. I was always exactly where I wanted to be at the time I was there, doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.  I came more strongly into the Butch-Femme world more about 8 years ago now and I am finding it’s been nothing but one big fucking roller coaster of shit.  Now some are going to take offense to this…I know, I am not trying to please anyone with my truth here, but just say this is what my experience has been.  I have been with one truly diva Femme who did rock my world upside down, and it was an incredible ride, but in the end I knew I had to leave for her own good.  I knew she was beyond my ultimate capability at that time, so I did leave…it was the hardest thing that I ever had to do honestly. To turn my back on her was excruciatingly painful.  If I had it to do over I would definitely choose another route.  But other than her I think that maybe I have been chasing up the wrong type for sure.  That was then this is now.

I’m fairly demanding.  Or I can be.  I demand a certain level of communication and without it I lose interest or get pissed off and just cease and desist.  I can turn into an ice cube in 30 minutes flat given good reason.  (I hear that southern laugh all the way up here, yeah).  I know I can be a hard ass about things sometimes and that doesn’t do me much good in the end.  But I am one who generally makes things happen in my life and while I am demanding, I am also very fair. I never expect more than I am willing to give.  I demand respect and I give respect.  It’s pretty simple.

So, my new type…hmm…she’s great at communication, she’s attentive and to the point.  I will know where I stand at all times with her.  And I’ll be happy just having that much.  I know it would be difficult for me to completely change everything I am attracted to in a woman, I still am attracted to a more feminine than me type, but I’m not going to be so hard line on the Femme identity thing anymore.  It’s just not working for me.  My ex-wife didn’t identify as Femme. She was very middle of the road, and could even be Butch when she needed to be around her horses and in the barn…but she was a woman through and through; a business executive that could dress that part when needed – and be damned sexy doing it – and who could casual out with me on weekends like no one’s business.  I’m going to look for more women similar to that, a woman who can just relax and be who she is without worrying about what the rest of the world thinks about it.

I don’t think about where I am going to be in 5 years, I gave that up years ago.  Hell, at one point with my ex-wife we holed up in a nice hotel suite in Newport, Rhode Island and had a big ‘ole fucking “life summit”…over a period of 3 days we completely planned the next 10 years of our lives together…and look where that got me, about 5 years later I was on a motorcycle crossing the country alone. (I’ve written about this before I believe.)   I put a lot less stock today in planning my love life that far ahead.  I just want to be with someone who is concerned with now, and not with if it would work long-term, because there are no guarantees.  Short-term, long-term whatever term, it doesn’t matter because anything can happen, and somethings are bound to get in the way along the trail, it’s how you navigate that matters the most.  And I am a damned good obstacle course runner!  Things don’t always make sense, but the heart never lies.  You are where you want to be right this second, and that’s what matters.  Oh and resilience matters, the ability to be flexible and understanding are required.


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