Current Thoughts on Relationships and Me

My 3 day weekend was pretty much a non-event.  I do stay busy, but could have thought of a whole lot of other things I would have rather been doing, but it’s all good….I did get alot done around here and watched most of the football games on Sunday as well as the Monday night game.  My New England Patriots football team managed to win against Buffalo this week….thank God.

Of course Saturday night was spent with great family and friends at our annual Pumpkin Carving / Chowda Cookoff party. I like that one because all of the kids are there, and there must have been 40 of them…it’s fun to see them all as they are growing up and starting to form little age-alike gangs among the group.These kids just don’t know the memories they are making together today will stay with them for so damned long. I remember these events and gatherings from when I was a kid and all the wild and crazy things we would think up to do together, like build bigger tree forts, play battle games and have ruckus games of flashlight tag.  I lived close to many of my cousins – and there are LOTS of them – so we had the opportunity to get together quite often for fun.  It’s so cool to come from such a large and awesome family, the kids just don’t realize how very lucky they are to have each other to grow up alongside.

I spent some good time in the antique and thrift stores over the weekend.  Between working on Saturday at one sale and then picking at other places on Sunday and Monday, I found some really cool treasures…inlcuding a vintage Zippo lighter from Sturgis (a limited edition) that’s worth a few bucks, and some other neat stuff that will go in the shop for resale.  I’m torn about the Zippo…I almost want to keep it, but I should turn it over.  It’s just so cool, gold plated with the Sturgis logo on it.  Very nice find.  I need to go up to the shop today and put some stuff in the case, I’ll take it with me and most likely put it up for sale.

I”m sitting here this morning listening to music and just chilling out. I’ve made out the Halloween cards that I managed to get last night on my excursion to the pharmacy for meds I was out of .  I do enjoy sending out snail mail to some of my friends who are also into still using the US and even some international postal systems.  I have figured out that the Australian system is screwed, nothing every gets through.  The UK and Canadian system seem to work perfectly though. And even Guyana can get letters through!  It’s kind of a crap shoot sometimes sending things to other countries.  Plus the postage is a bit high too. But I like written letters, and so do my friends.  It’s just more personal and there’s something about opening your mailbox and getting a letter that someone sat down and wrote just for you. There’s just something really intimate about a personal letter.

I’m really anxious to get back to work, and to meet some new people.  Work does that for ya, and working in the home improvement industry you tend to meet all kinds of people every day.  Being especially fond of women like i am, I am hoping to meet some single women as well.  My life does not have enough single, available women in it!  I don’t tend to be a bar patron much anymore, although I’ve been told that I need to change that and give it a shot if I am to meet a good woman, so I may give that a few tries.  It’s just that I have this preconceived notion that good girls do not hang out in bars and clubs.  Sure, I’ve picked up women in those places before, but there was one objective, and I can never recall any one of the encounters leading to anything other than sex and a good time.  I’m more looking to find someone now who wants to try on a relationship for size. Who wants more than just sex; who wants to get to know me and let me get to know them.  It’s hard to explain I guess, I am just tired of the “dating” thing and would like to be a bit more exclusive with someone.

I’ve been talking alot with an American friend I have who lives abroad, and she keeps me thinking alot about what I need in a relationship.  It’s really not much, I am just maybe too simple.  She herself is very demanding, and asks me some very pointed questions.  She keeps telling me I need a good girl who really loves me and wants to be with me and who shows me that daily.  Our conversations are pretty interesting to say the least.  She’s got me thinking that I need to adjust my “type” a bit.  Maybe not go for the Femmes only.   The last woman I dated presented as Femme, but didn’t really have the Femme attitude or ways about her entirely, but that was okay with me ….so I’m not stuck on just dating Femmes, but more on dating more feminine women in general  with good heads on their shoulders and all their baggage neatly packed in one suitcase.

I just want a woman who can keep up with me.  Someone who cares about me and lets me know that every day – no matter how far apart we may be at the time.  Butch-Femme relationships are awesome, and with the right combination it can be exhilarating to say the least.  And I tend to click much better with younger women, 5 to 15 years younger is about as far as I will go now though.   I like women who are very unlike me, who are more opposites.  I am more rough on the edges, and I want a woman who is more soft and understanding, and one who will understand Butch and what that means.  Problem is that I have been meeting women who really don’t get it, and as much as I want them to, or as much as I try, they still just don’t get the dance. I don’t mind teaching but you have to want to learn too.   I also have this thing about trying to keep my interests withing a geographical range – like within 2-3 hours of where I live.  That way I can actually see them more often than I could with a longer distance situation.  It’s not so much to ask.  She’s out there.  And I know when the timing is right it will happen again, as it always does with me.

I haven’t been ready for a real relationship until recently.  Just this year I started more seriously thinking about it and wanting to get away from the single, solitary lifestyle that I have been leading the last 6 years. Things are better in my life now, not wild and out of control anymore.  I finally have my shit together and can do this.  Yeah, there have been women in there but nothing substantial.  Women I had good times with but who weren’t the ones I wanted to stay in my life for any length of time, or that I would commit to entirely. I’ve had a couple that turned out to be really good friends and that I do stay in touch with, but friends is all they are now.

I did consider the poly life for a while.  But it’s too complicated for me personally with my health issues and the way my mind works.  I want a woman that I can treat good and call “my girl” not a half a dozen play partners/lovers.  I just can’t keep up with more than one woman at a time anymore.  I tried it in my younger days, and even then it was always a disaster in the end,  as I would seemingly always hurt someone.

I’m also attracted to very intelligent women, I find smart women to be uber sexy. Sure, they can look good too, but being super smart and being able to hold their own in a conversation ranks right up there pretty high.  When I take an interest in a woman it’s usually first through seeing her and saying “wow, she’s nice looking”, then finding out if she’s smart enough to keep me engaged.  That’s important to me.

I’ve learned a lot recently about myself.  Which is really actually a very good thing.  I’ve learned that I can be really patient and at the same time I can also just be too nice.  I’ve learned that I do have the right to be demanding to some degree, and anyone who wants to be with me will understand my requests and demands.  We all have them, we all have ways that we expect things to be and not be, and we all need to be clear with those things right up front.  Learning about myself and the lessons keep me fresh and ready for more adventures. I have also sort of got a new idea about women and their “crazy ex’s” they talk about…if a woman has more than ONE crazy ex in her life it’s probably her issue, not theirs.  People can be made to act crazy when they are presented with crazy stuff to act out about.  And it’s a good measure of where you might end up too.  Hopefully these newer things I’ve learned keep me being a bit more cautious, without being too reserved either.  I can get pretty shy and overly protective of myself, and that never helps me meet women, so I have to balance that with my desire to have that right woman in my life. I can do it.  I am ready.

So I have been watching the news and it’s like the world is just in total chaos right now. With this Ebola scare spreading like wildfire, ISIS going nuts in Syria and Iraq and the US doing little to nothing to really stop the carnage, which pisses me off.  Then there was another Trans* killing in the Philipines over the weekend, a US Marine killed a Transwoman…just great…and shameful on us.  I read my other bloggers and see that some are losing or have lost loved ones recently, and I think about how lucky I am to not be in that situation currently.  But I feel for them deeply. It’s never easy to lose someone, I lost a lot of friends over the years to death, and it just never gets easier.  I think every time it’s made me a little harder on the inside.

35 States now have marriage equality, with all the struck down bans…that’s more than half way there. The count changes so rapidly lately I can’t keep up.  I wonder if one day I will marry again….hahahahaha….omg, I need the right girl first!  I can see being married again if I do find that girl of my dreams.  But it’s nothing I am jumping into for sure.  The whole situation and the girl will have to be the perfect storm for me to take that leap again.  It would be nice to come home to my girl every night after work, or see her after her return from work; to sleep in the same bed listening to her breath in the darkness, and to wake up to her every morning.  Those are things that I need again that I miss terribly.  Sharing meals, walks, and bonfire relaxation time as well as snuggling on the couch with a movie, and traveling when we can together.  And I can be such a romantic with the right girl.  *sigh* one day again…one day.

In the meantime, I am not going to sweat it.  Just going to keep my Butch ass looking the best I can look, conduct myself in the best way possible and be my authentic self.  Somewhere out there is a woman who wants me just the way that I am.

Peace!   ~MB

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6 Replies to “Current Thoughts on Relationships and Me”

  1. I’m with you – I so love writing and sending – and receiving and reading – personal letters and notes and cards that come through snail mail! I really enjoy my snail penpals 🙂 Would you like another? I would if you would!

  2. Hi (Lawrence) MainelyButch!

    Keisha here! — I also have ADD, so I will be floating from one random topic to the next. I’m recently coming out later in life as an adult lesbian in my 30’s. Also dealing with family not being supportive, so I’m moving out to start this next phase of my life. I just started reading your blog, and I’m glad to come across an older adult butch who describes the butch / femme dynamic so well. Also, everything you have said on your blog I agree with as a stone femme attracted to stone butches. I’m also surprised and offended at how our own community fetishizes femme lesbians while ignoring any persons who are seen as masculine or butch. Have you seen Orange is the new black. What do you think. Is the main cast too many lesbian stereotypes. Is it annoying to only see femme/femme couple as the main characters etc?

    Do you have any favored lesbian films or have you seen these. I know there’s not many LGBT films with butch/femme couples. These are what I have recently watched –

    Butch Mystique (on you tube)
    L Word Mississippi Hate the Sin
    Forbidden Love The Unashamed Stories of Lesbian Lives
    The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love (My first Lezzie film!)
    Bound — Better than Chocolate — Boys don’t Cry

  3. Hi Again (Lawrence) MainelyButch!
    Also wanted to know what you think about this story. Husband and wife both come out as gay after being married with kids for several years. When the woman can’t legally marry her new partner, the partner changes her gender so they can legally marry. Which changes the partner’s identity from a butch identified lesbian to a transgender man. My question – Does the new partner identify as stone butch or transgender man. I’m assuming jacki now identifies as male so they could legally marry.
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2694393/It-biggest-act-love-Woman-opens-partner-double-mastectomy-bid-male-legally-marry-her.html

    Some great links I found. Tell me what you think….
    Meg Allen photographs the younger generation of Butch http://megallenstudio.com/butch/

    http://afemmeinnyc.wordpress.com/2012/03/06/the-million-dollar-question/

    Xanwest and his Stone Blog series http://xanwest.wordpress.com/2014/03/09/stone-blog-series/

    http://www.butchwonders.com/blog/butches-without-boobs
    Great article on non transitioning persons who choose to get top surgery.

    http://www.cardcarryinglesbian.com/melting-away-stones-a-butch-perspective
    Ironically stones and butch lesbians say in the article they get more support from straight and bisexual women. But I find offensive the last part about stones supposedly waiting for the right partner to ‘melt’ the parts of them that are considered stone — What do you think….

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