I attended a massive family event last night. I was pleased to notice that I am not the only LGBT person there anymore. My family and friends circle has grown and expanded, and now there are several of us who identify along the spectrum of LGBT. My niece and her girlfriend and their new puppy were there. It was fun to see them, young and in love like that. And there were others, so I wasn’t alone anymore like it used to be years back, when I was the only lesbian in the crowd. I love that we’ve diversified like this, and that it’s such a non-event for everyone involved. No one is treated any differently, it’s an equal-love situation for all. It warms my heart to have such as loving group of family and friends in my life. I truly am one lucky Butch and am blessed beyond belief.
One little boy came up last night and asked the dreaded question….”are you a boy or a girl..?” He was too young for my standard answer, so I just laughed and answered him simply. Had he been 3 years older he would have gotten a mini lesson in gendering people so quickly. But he was a little shit, maybe 4, with a crew cut and his little hands stuffed deep in the pockets of his little jeans. He looked so cute, and so sincere in asking me. It’s funny, we teach our children that there is this binary, you are either one or the other. It was obvious in his question that he had never met anyone quite like me where I present with such androgyny that he could not tell my “real” (I use that word lightly) gender. I could not explain “Butch” to him, or the fact that my gender lays in the gray area of the binary. One of my nieces was there listening to he and I’s conversation, and she was snickering to beat the band. It was cute, and funny, but not all at the same time.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to identify as a transguy. At least then I could just have told him I was a guy. But I don’t identify as male by any means. Our beings have 2 maps, one is the physical map of our bodies that says what gender we are, and the other is a mental map that tells us what gender we are. For cis-gendered people the two maps line up and they instinctively know they are male or female. It’s a no brainer. But for us gender bending people, it’s not such an easy line up. While my maps pretty much match, I lean way over toward the more masculine end of the binary scale. Now that I have had my chest surgery my maps line up far more closely than before. If I identified as male mentally that would not be the case, as I would still have body dysphoria – something that I no longer have now. I’m fine with my body just the way it is now. I have no wish to be male in body, or in mind. I’m all good being my bad ass stone Butch lesbian self and walking this world just the way that I am now. I’m kind of a hybrid…the best of both worlds – and sometimes the worst..hehehe…
So, I haven’t heard from the girl I was seeing briefly for a couple of days now (the woman formerly known as Dream Girl), so I assume it’s pretty much ended with us…which kind of bums me out, but hey it’s her choice. She told me she was just too busy and too stressed out. But like everyone has told me repeatedly, when someone wants to be with you and likes you they make time for you regardless and if they don’t, then you don’t really matter to them. So, if I don’t matter to her then I don’t need her in my life wasting my time and energy either. Plus, it wasn’t like I was asking for a ton of face time either, just some daily dose of her in some ways…texts, emails, Skype…fucking something just to let me know she cared and was thinking of me occasionally would have been nice.
It’s really too bad, because I really was into this woman, and that doesn’t happen for me often. I could have been very good for her, and we could have been good together. But, hey, it takes two to tango. She just didn’t want to dance. And honestly, it takes a good B-F dance partner to handle me. It’s not that I require a lot of maintenance, but I do expect daily communication and interaction. Period. Tired or not you better find time in there somewhere to be texting me and letting me know that I still matter. Hell, my days get extremely busy too and I can find spots in there to text my love interest, no matter what, just to let her know she’s on my mind and in my thoughts daily…it’s not so hard to do.
It’s not like we were seeing a whole lot of each other anyway, so I wouldn’t really call what we had a “relationship”. More of a sort of casual dating thing, with a little sex involved. We actually only spent 3 times face to face together, and the rest of the time I tried to keep up via Skype, emails and texting. But it was ME doing most of the work to keep the lines of communication open even a little bit, so I felt like in the end I was chasing a ghost for no reason. She wasn’t responding and when she did it was short and to the point, never very affectionate at all but very cold and distant. I was trying to get to know her better, and she was avoiding allowing me to do that.
In the end, I told her I would not chase after her anymore and if she wanted me in her life in anyway that she would have to contact me, which I truly meant. I felt like I was a total pain in her ass with my texts. And dammit I was nice. I tried to leave her to her work and tried to stay low when I knew she was working or busy, but my patience was all for nothing in the end. She didn’t even have the guts to write and tell me what the hell was going on with her or what she was thinking about us and seeing me. She just stopped texting me, poof.
I don’t know how people can do that in life to anyone, just vanish. It’s disrespectful, it’s gutless and it’s wrong. I’ve never had it happen before, usually there is some final conversation or something, but hey, there’s always a first time for everything, right? In hindsight I can see that she does have many issues, but I was there and willing to be involved nonetheless, and willing to talk to her and try to help her think stuff through…it wasn’t enough evidently. I just wanted to get to know her much better, and see where it went from there…not such a big deal really. She just decided not to let me in, sad, but her loss in the end I believe. I’m definitely worth a hell of a lot more than being treated like that.
Another blogger on another blogging site, wrote recently about formerly being a “runner”, and I have spoken about this before myself. Both me and the other blogger had similar experiences where things would become difficult in a relationship and we would run away from it instead of dealing with things maturely and head on. I was thinking about this, in light of what’s going on in my life today, and realized that that part of me is gone too. It’s a maturity thing I think. I’m sad to say I am finally mature enough that I understand that relationships are work and it’s not always roses. Things can be good, bad or difficult, and you still have to work through them because running away doesn’t do a damned bit of good. I guess we all live and learn in life, and as I get older the lessons become more clear and easier to understand. That’s one good thing about life experience, and of changing and evolving as a person, you can look back and see your mistakes and know what not to do in the future.
Now, one of the things that I have learned as of late….do not write about who I am dating or seeing in this blog. So this will be the end of that type of stuff. I’m going back to keeping my intimate life very personally protected. I used to be really good about this, but I started to write a little about my dating life recently, and I see now that it is just something I need to keep in my private blog and not in this pubic forum. I figured I did owe my readers an end to the story of my recent escapades, since I started writing about it and know some people who follow me and are closer friends and care about what’s going on with me. I may write about relationships and dating, but I won’t be referring to anyone in particular anymore. It’s just not worth it and in some ways I just need to protect that aspect of my life a bit more now. It’s all good though, I have plenty of other things to write about ! Peace. ~MB