Adapting and a Story…

So my days have been screwy lately.  I’ve been getting up around 3am days to write and just have these quiet morning hours to myself.  I live basically alone, so you’d think I would have plenty of “quiet hours” but that’s not the case.  By 9am generally my phone begins to buzz and ring and it’s off to the races, so-to-speak, and I somehow fill the days with tons of tasks and adventures.  Soon I will be back to a regular job work schedule, so I am taking advantage of these last couple of weeks of having these hours to myself to use at my discretion.

Today WordPress came out with 10 new blogging themes.  The theme is the way that the page looks and is laid out for your viewing pleasure.  I’ve been using this Greyized theme for some time now and am thinking it might be time to do a flip and make some changes to the visual presentation of the page.  Change can be hard for me, but I think it can be refreshing as well.  Things don’t always stay the same, and change equals growth most of the time.

I wrote this week about change to some degree with my Scary post….don’t worry I’m not going to be making any major changes to myself in the near future, I’ll continue this blog, continue my videos and continue to be the scary, bad ass boi that I am.  (hahaha)  I recieved a ton of comments on that particular blog…even some from those who know me personally well enough to know that I am NOT that scary.  Albeit sometimes I do come off that way.  I am just me, plain and simple. Someone said that changing an opinion, once formed, is hard.  How one is perceived can be a sensitive issue, and I know I get perceived quite often as scary.  It’s all good, it’s just part of who I am and something that I have to maintain a vigilant thought about to keep as soft as possible in my manners sometimes.

It’s also that our demeanor changes according to the company that we are keeping at the time.  When I am with my Butch buddies I am much different than when I am say with my family…where I am much different than when I am alone or in singular company.  We all do it, we are who we need to be at the moment in time that is at present hand.  There have been times in my life where I had to be scary to survive.  For example, I was arrested in DC years and years ago for fighting at a bar in SE. After they chased and caught me I was thrown into DC jail, a skinny young white kid from Maine with a thick accent and dykey short hair…it was petrifying, but I put on a facade of toughness that even Clint Eastwood would be proud of.  When asked by the other inmates why this white kid from Maine was in a predominantly black jail in DC I told them all that I had ‘killed my whole family and hung the dog’…seriously.  No one fucked with me; they thought I was crazy.  Mission accomplished.  No one, and I mean no one, messed with me the few weeks I was there.   By the time I left I had girls bringing me things, was playing cards for Newports and rolling toilet paper dice to shoot against harsh brick walls for entertainment.  DC jail taught me to be tough in the moment when needed.  When I walked out the front door, and back to my personal freedom, I threw away my Marlboro reds and started smoking Newports…which today remains my one tell-tale mark of being stuck in DC jail as one of 2 whites on a population of 440.  Also, I never went back to jail after that, as it scared me out of that scene!

So again I say, we are who we need to be in the context of the situation.  There are days I need to be tough and scary, and people who need that from me.  There are days that I am soft hearted and vulnerable….I hate those days.  There’s a family that sees me as a bit odd and outspoken, they like me that way, it’s what they are used to and have grown accustomed to me being.  There’s the flirty, funny MB with a sarcastic overtone, which is often who I bring to WordPress daily.  Yes, we are who we need to be when we need to be that person.  It’s all part of the multi-faceted personas we walk this world with, no one is the same all of the time.  What a boring world it would be if we all were.  The one thing I do bring with me to every situation is the authenticity that I am my true self, I never try to be anyone else, just my demeanor will shift to adjust as needed.

Be your authentic self, and adjust as needed.  And be kind, it’s a harsh world that we all live in these days.

~MB

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