Things Butch-Femme

Wants and Needs….What I Want

For the most part I enjoy my alone time, what I don’t enjoy is the feeling of being “lonely” that sometimes creeps in to the back of my brain; that feeling that it would be so nice to have someone special to share lives with on a daily basis.  I know that means relationship, but perhaps that is what I am now more looking for is a more serious relationship.  One where someone in this universe cares about me the same way I care about them.   One where I can wake up in the morning with the peace of knowing I am loved.  Even if I don’t wake up next to her, at least I know she’d be waking up thinking of me.

I know I have many friends and family that do love me, but that’s just not the same.  I’m looking for someone who will love me but who will also challenge me to be that best person that I can be every day.  Someone who can depend on me to always have both of our best interests in mind.

Someone challenged me recently to describe my perfect mate.  It’s not an easy task if you are honest with yourself, this person told me.  Sure there are all of the normal prerequisites that the brain comes up with instantaneously like “oh she should be pretty” (a relative thing, as pretty to me can be homely to another, and visa versa).  It’s all the little things about a person that solidifies an attraction in the long run.

When you meet someone you are attracted to the immediate emotion is lust. It’s true, without lust you can never move on to love.  And lust turns into love somewhere along the way.

So, she is someone who looks decent I mean she does not have to be strikingly beautiful, but she has to take care of herself;  someone who cares that she looks good to the world every day, and I don’t mean make up and high-maintenance type, but more just looks good; is clean and presentable and cares that she presents well to others.  Her style should be her own, and she should be comfortable in it.  A woman who takes care of herself to look good is a real turn on to me.  I’ve been with stunners and I’ve been with average looking women, as long as they care about how they present I find them sexy.

She is well mannered, compassionate, kind and considerate of others, and an animal lover.

She has a fun personality and a good sense of humor, but not be a push-over either. I want to be challenged with good conversation and interactions. She does not need to agree with me, needs to not be combative and must be the type who can agree to disagree when we come to those spots.

I enjoy a woman who can handle herself in business/work and come home and not bring too much of that stress with her when she is off work.  I want to know that when we are together that her focus is on me and us being together.

She will be a great kisser, kissing is important.  Without a good kiss we are not going anywhere.

She will be loyal to herself, to her friends and to me if we are in a relationship.

She will respect that I sometimes need my own time alone, as does she, to do our own things

She will have her own friends and enjoy them as I enjoy mine.

She will enjoy sex, is sexy and will be playful and fun in bed.  She also has to understand my stone Butch boundaries and my vulnerabilities.

She will be a good communicator, she’ll want to talk to me, to connect with me as much as possible and to let me know that I am in her thoughts even when we are apart.

She will have the fortitude not to give up when the going gets rough, and the tenacity to stick with things to see them through.

She will not be super jealous, and will trust me that I will be loyal and faithful to her alone.

Other good qualities she will have : Respectful, Responsible, Attentive, Creative, Intellectual, Charitable, Inquisitive, Adventurous, Flexible, Discreet, Honorable – SPONTANEOUS

Obviously she exists only in my fantasies.

I thought I had found this recently…but it turns out we come off to her as “oil and water” and we all know those two don’t mix well.  Probably because they are two different substances, with two different chemical make ups – oddly, just like Butch and Femme.  They’re not suppose to mix, but to compliment one another with their differences. Whats more I think it’s more that she needs someone who has the money to travel with her, and who needs less attention than I require.  I didn’t realize that I required attention, but I do I guess, I like to hear from my girl often, and that means attention.  I like to know I matter. It’s too bad because we did make a really good couple and I think we could have had a lot of great times together.  Of course, I have my hope in the back of my mind that somehow I’ll see her again and maybe we could work it out….but not going to get my hopes up too much on that one.  I need her to take care of herself and make sure she’s doing what makes her happiest and keeps her healthiest in her life.  If I am not to be part of that then I understand and will dutifully stay out of the way.  I’m not one to stalk a woman, or try to “make” her love me, that never works, she has to come to me of her own volition.  I will not force the issue because that can only cause resentment and ill feelings.  And I’m not getting on anyone’s crazy list.

If I wanted to be with someone like myself I would choose to date other masculine identified people, but I do not wish to do that because I am looking for my opposite; my complementing Femme.  (Note: *I was asked to write on Butch-Butch relationships, but I know nothing about them, thus it’s not my place to reflect upon that dynamic)

It sucks sometimes being in a more suburban to rural area and trying to meet other lesbian women.  And when you add in the Butch-Femme dynamics that I so thrive on it narrows the field even further, to a pretty slim pickings, so to speak, here in Maine  And I am not a bar crawler by any means, I despise the bar scene and it’s meat market atmosphere. Any woman you can hook-up with at a bar is just that, a bar hook-up and not someone with any substance like I am seeking. I like good girls, and good girls don’t hang out in bars and clubs.  But with the introduction of internet as a meeting place we can expand the field a bit, but still I would like to find someone in my geographical area – at least withing what I call “striking distance”, like a few hours drive.  I’m too old to be jacking up my world and moving for love at this point in my life. I want to stay in Maine, close to my aging parents, and finish the job here.  That doesn’t mean I won’t travel or one day move again, but right now I want to stay close to here.

I think it may be time for me to broaden my sights to those who don’t use the label Femme.  There are many very good women out there who choose not to use it and who are more feminine than I am, who would be awesome to date.  Having seriously only dated women who identified as Femme in the last several years, perhaps I am missing out on finding the right woman by being too narrow in my thinking on this.

I’m 52 and I don’t want to go through the next 5 years like I went through the last 5, without a good, steady love interest in my life; someone who cares about where I am and what I am doing days.  Someone to spend time with, eventually to come home to at night even, and to eat meals with and to discuss our days together.  Someone to go cruising thorugh the mountains with on a bright Fall day, or to walk the beach with on a nice moonlit night (like last night was).  I don’t want to continue to miss out on all those things forever. And as the days of life tick, tick, tick by the time to find her is getting shorter.  I don’t want to continue to waste time.

I don’t think I am asking for much.  My friend informs me that 85% of the world meets my requirements, that I’m not looking for anything special…but I am.  I just wonder where that 85% lives!  Cuz they are not showing themselves in my world.  People think that because of my internet presence I have all these women vying for my attention…this is not true.  I get an occasional inquirey, yes, but I am very shy and I generally do not respond to them.  It takes someone who meets my age criteria (30+) and who is in the geographical area, and who strikes my fancy somehow to get my attention.

What do I bring to the table to offer a woman?  Love. Plus many of the things I described above that I look for in a potential partner, I also bring to the table myself.  I’m decent looking, take care of myself and I can be fiercely passionate, a good and attentive lover, very gentle and compassionate, patient and kind.  I am honest to a fault, I tell it like it is.  I’ve been working on my emotional communication a lot, and I’m much better than I ever was with it.  I treat a woman with respect and appreciation.  I can be a romantic if I am allowed to be so.  I’ll send flowers, cards, and leave little notes, and do all that mushy stuff…yes, I can be a very hopeless romantic.

My faults?  I can have a bit of a temper.  When I disagree or am upset by something I have to practice some serious self-control not to be mean.  And I am told that I can be mean.  I hate games, I hate roller coaster rides.  I don’t like being toyed with or played.  No one does, but I am particularly sensitive to those things.  My temper is very even keeled for the most part and it does take a lot to get me angry.  But like anyone, I can be hurt pretty easily I find.

I don’t write this because I am looking for anyone right now.  I just have this in my head over what’s gone on in my life over these last few days and thought I would write it down.  I’m all good with being alone at the time being, but I’m open also to opportunity when it presents itself.  I wrote this down for myself, so I can go back and see it in writing and know if I am on the right track in the future.


7 thoughts on “Wants and Needs….What I Want

  1. krisalex333 says:

    You don’t ask for much, do do? 😀 Just teasing. I so hope you find her soon – my B is not by any means the president of the femme club, but we have enough overlap to find happiness. Being an animal lover is one of the requisites for both of us. All the best. Let us know if there is anybody on the horizon, so we can cheer from the sidelines. Take care.


  2. Anonymous says:

    I can totally relate to lonliness and that being one of the things butches and femmes feel and experience a lot as there are so few of us! I think it’s great that you’re open to dating women who don’t necessarily identify as femme, because compatability and a good relationship is about attraction and love at the end of the day. I also love that you’ve been working on emotional communication, I think for all of us we do, and comunication is so important in relationships, so well done you! Also, it’s a big draw for any femme to hear a butch say they have been working on emotional communication… We love that! 😀 You always talk about being older means you prefer to stay closer to home and don’t go to bars and clubs as much as when you are younger, but I’m going to ask you to consider steping out of your comfort zone. You’re not meeting them so your methods aren’t working.It was practical advice that was given to me and it works. There aren’t many of us, so even though its not preferable to date someone miles and miles away sometimes we just have to accept we may need to. And maybe answer some of those emails! I’m not gonna ask you to change the things that are very important to you, but to be open minded and do things differently does work. What things from your list are of the most important? Cos you could make it a lot simpler for yourself? For example, all those positive qualities you listed, are the details more important than just that she had a good heart? If you had a choice between animal lover or 30+ what would you choose? Wheedle you’re list down to the most important few things, and let the beauty of the women you find be as unique as they authentically are 🙂 How does that sound?

    A small word of advice… Where did you get the idea good girls don’t hang out in bars and clubs? Yes they do honey, particularly if they are fun and have a group of friends they like to hang out with, two qualities you desire. My advice is be conscious about your thoughts and preconceptions as they could be holding you back without your knowledge. Lots of love, and, and I wish you luck in your dating adventures when your ready to begin 🙂


  3. I hear you, and even though I am in a good relationship by my terms (check off most of your list) I still have that existential loneliness that you describe – that is only lifted by Gracie and by walking. I don’t know if it the flip side of growing up being a fiercely independent butch that we have trouble making a connection, but for me it has something to do with growing up knowing that I don’t really fit in anywhere in this world in the way that a conventional straight person does. I’m still learning to make my peace with it.
    (I am useless on dating advice)


  4. Nicely written MB. Again, I can relate. I am also very shy and a Capricorn. I look for qualities in a woman that you look for. As you stated, you are ok with being alone now….me too. I do not want to be in anyone’s crazy list, too.


  5. It’s difficult to grow in a relationship when only one person is nurturing it. A garden planted by two, will surely die if only one person is watering and feeding it. Better to be alone, than be with someone who chooses to place their priorities elsewhere. The right one will come along for you… maybe she already has and you just don’t know it yet. Nevertheless… just be yourself. Nothing else will do.


Leave Your Feedback!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.