It’s been raining like mad here in Maine for days now it seems. The sun is out today, one of only a couple since the beginning of October. I’ve been in a sort of writing funk, just haven’t been very much into it these last several days. Generally l get like this when my mind is to cluttered with noise and I can’t seem to turn it off. It’s like I’m running against the wind, so to speak.
Lately I’ve been hit with a bunch of questions about being Butch and particularly about being “stone” Butch and what that means to me and how it affects my life. Stone is slightly different from one person to another, but for the most part it’s not something that I generally am very comfortable with talking about. Especaily when it comes to sex. I’m not sure why, if it’s some weird thing left over from growing up where thinking or talking about sex, let alone actually acting on those thoughts, was really forbidden and frowned upon. But it’s never been a very easy subject for me to discuss, let alone explain to anyone. I’ve written other blogs about being Butch, but I’ve managed to steer clear of actually speaking much about sex or my own sexual personal sexual preference.
It’s like trying to literally explain the word masculine to someone who has nothing to relate the word to in their life. How do you do it? Ok, let me try…we have a rock, it’s hard and it’s solid and it represents masculinity…then we have something soft and pliable, like a flower perhaps and that represents the feminine. Hello…why am I on this subject? Oh yeah, stone Butch sexuality….I almost forgot. Every person has their own comfort zones and boundaries in sexual play, some are far more broad than others. Stone is more narrow perhaps; bluntly put, in my world, it just means I am not comfortable with being on the receiving end of oral sex and penetration just isn’t going to happen at all. My pleasure is mostly taken from giving pleasure to my lover, and the mental aspect of my sexuality is very strong. It’s a brain trip for me in many aspects. There’s probably a lot more to be said, or better ways to explain “stone” but this is my best attempt at the time. There are a ton of decently written articles out there by such writers as Sinclair Sexsmith addressing stone Butch sexuality, for those who are looking for more specific information, but like I said it’s different with different people to some degree anyways.
Not that I haven’t been there or done it all before, it’s all good and yeah, I’ve been around that block a few times. I’m just not that comfortable with it myself, and my hiv+ status just gives me another good damned reason why it’s going to stay as it stands. I’m absolutely fine with being touched, scratched, bitten, licked and loved on any part of my body but that particular erogenous zone below the belt. (Every stone Butch out there right now is cringing at me even talking about this, I know!) It’s almost as if most of us keep this sort of mute button on when it comes to speaking about our own sexual appetites, and the discomfort of just writing this blog tells me why! I am well aware, from other Butch to Butch conversations that I’m not the only one who has this inferiority complex in talking out loud about sex. It’s almost like trying to explain the game of baseball to someone who has never seen or played the game, there are a hundred ways to get to home base, it’s just easier to show someone how to play than to explain it in just words. Enough said. Anyone else that can elaborate on this more is welcome to pipe in in the comments section below! 😉
On another note….My dream girl is out of the country once again, and here I am thinking about sex…oy vey! I miss her a bunch, and sadly am growing used to her traveling and not being able to see her as much as I would really like. It’s a bitch, but I have to settle in to it if I want this woman in my life – – and I do very much! So I’ve found my mind switching gears, and being less concerned with controlling things that are just out of my jurisdiction. Ha! Something new for me to learn…extreme patience. It helps me to get past the fact that I can’t see her as much when we Skype and stay a bit closer in touch…it’s kind of amazing how easy today’s technology makes things a bit easier to cope with in that respect. She works so damned much it concerns me; that much stress and strain on the mind and body health can’t be good for anyone. Of course, being who I am I want to just wrap her in my arms and protect her from it all, but I know I can’t do that without becoming an obstacle to her career goals and I am not one to get in the way of a determined Femme! I actually admire her dedication, but worry that it’s a bit too deep for her own good. Guess it’s all part of us getting to know each other and learning to navigate the terrain as it currently is between us. I just hope to see her again very soon, or I am going to bust.
It’s that time of year again when I have so much to do and can’t find my concentration gene anywhere. I have to do a bunch of yard work…I’ve admired butchcountry67’s fortitude in planting those trees and getting stuff done around their Canadian casa. I also need to do a bunch of outdoor work, if the rain will stay away for a few days so things dry out better! I’ve got hauling to do and burning to do…yes, I love fire and at this time of year I like to burn everything in sight that I don’t want to haul away. Where some of this stuff comes from is beyond me. I’ve got a pile of pallets that need to be chopped up and torched, as well as other stuff that just seems to accumulate to get rid of before snow flies. My friend Ty comes up every week or two to help me out with stuff that’s either heavier than I can deal with alone, or just requires 2 people to do. Thank God for good friends.
That about wraps it up for tonight. If you have questions or further prompts to topics that you would like me to address here please feel free to comment below or email me directly! I’m in need of some inspiration here!