Minor Addendum to My Rambles…

“You may feel vulnerable today and struggle to maintain boundaries in your relationships. This could cause you to react hastily to the influences of others or speak harshly in an effort to defend yourself. You may find it beneficial to spend some time working on your inner perception of security today, because the more stable and secure you feel within yourself, the less affected you will be by the words and actions of others.”

This was my horoscope…yes maybe I do I react too quickly sometimes, and I do struggle with what boundaries to set in relationships.  I’m not sure if it’s really insecurity, because I feel like a pretty secure person, but it’s more cautionary.  I kind of said some things in my last blog that were maybe not quite in line with what I meant.

My friend Mushy is a bit younger than me like by greater than 15 years…and I didn’t mean to insinuate that I seriously wanted to be younger, because she prefers older women anyways, so it’s actually to my benefit to be the age that I am.  We get along so awesomely, and I don’t want to do anything to harm that at all.  So maybe I spoke too soon in saying I was too old or that the distance was too great…hey we have modern technology ~ Skype!

This morning she changed a standing 4 year long routine just to get to her office and Skype me really early about my comment…which again shows me that she knows her priorities very well.  I would never have asked her to skip her routine morning workout, but she did just to talk to me….amazing and awesome woman that she is; she skipped it for the first time in 4 solid years…wow.  That’s what I call good prioritizing!

I’m also not looking to date here…there are claims I threw myself back onto the market with my last post…which was not my intention at all.  And I am not on any “market” so to speak.  While I invite positive thinking people into my life, I do not have a lot of “friends” to speak of.  I keep to myself for the most part, and I am very selective with both who I am interested in knowing and who knows me.  I may let you read me, but I’m not letting you into my head unless you are someone that I think deserves space there, and you are willing to do the work to get to know me.  My writing is only part of who I am, and I only disclose what I am comfortable sharing; I do not share all that goes on. Occasionally I do a private post when something is near and dear to my heart and I don’t wish to just randomly share it with the world.  This blog is the base for a book…and thus I do post publicly, privately, and sometimes in password protected modes. I never mean to hurt anyone who is part of my life on any level either, so when I do post about my relationships with family, friends or lovers I try to do it all in very respectful and private terms, never revealing actual identities or identifying factors.  They may see themselves, but that’s about as close as it would ever get with me.

I’ve been made to really rethink some things, as I was saying the other day in a blog about the stone Butch thing.  When the questions are posed correctly I find myself with a more serious thought process.  I like that because it challenges my set ways of thinking, and it’s never good to be too comfortable with thinking that you are every totally right about the way you think about something.  I’m in this sort of amazing learning curve myself, learning more about myself and more about the world too.  It’s kind of ironic the people who come into our lives to teach us things are sometimes the least likely, but the most well equipped to do the job.

I had today off.  Did some errands, and a whole lot of just chilling out, chatting online and via Skype…it was a good day.  As the sun is now headed down below the trees I am contemplating what to make for supper, and what to do with my evening here.  Oh wow…it’s Thursday, so there is football on TV tonight!  Yes, that’s what I will be doing with some of my time for sure, watching the game.  Amazing how simple I really am, it’s all about just having a good positive outlook and staying relaxed in most everything that I do.  This is a learned behavior, believe me.

 

 

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Just a Ramble…

It’s hump day!  Wednesday!  And I am off from work until Friday evening, when I work a short 4 hour shift – which will be a piece of cake on my feet after these three long ass days I just put in pounding that concrete jungle floor where I work.  I used to have so much more enthusiasm for working, and I was reminded of it today seeing the energy of someone who is excited about her work…it reminded me of the days when I was eye-ball deep in the swimming pool construction and service industry and loved my job so much I would put in 12-14 hour days no problem ~ because I loved it.  Of course I was in my 30’s and gung ho about making a killing in cash.  I lost that enthusiasm for the most part when I left that industry and the corporate environment.  Now the only time I get excited about any kind of work is when I am working for myself.  Then it doesn’t even matter what I do, as long as I am my own boss and set my own hours I am a happy worker.  This working for the corporate world is necessary right now, but I must say it sucks in so many ways.

Currently, I work in a retail home improvement / general contracting environment so I am working with the public all the time, which I don’t mind at all, I actually enjoy people immensely.  The department manager – I work in the tool sales and hardware department – seems really grouchy all the time and it comes off to the customers too…I’m struggling with how to deal with that issue because it will drive me insane to have this guy continually being negative and blowing sales.  I can’t stand to see an unhappy customer walk away when I know I could have helped them myself.

Nola is adjusting to me going to work.  She’s a funny, and smart little dog.  I tell her I am going to work, she watches me lace up my boots to go, and then she will give me snuggles for a minute and head in to my bedroom or onto the back of the couch where she’ll settle in for the day.  When I get home she’s is all super wiggly and giggly, making tons of puppy noises and little yips of excitement as she basically about turns herself inside out with glee at seeing me come in the door…it’s a really nice little greeting when you come home to an empty house…makes it not so empty.

I’ve had a hard week.  I know part of it is adjusting to the work schedule, and the loss of my free time…I know I’m spoiled by having the ability to make it without working full time…I shouldn’t complain a bit, but it’s that loss of my freedom to move about as I please that gets me the most.

My reading and writing time has been severely compromised as well.  Plus I want to be talking to Mushy when I can and the time difference of 6 hours makes it so I am working now during our opportune talking time.  This pisses me off, and I know it irritates her a bit too.  She thinks I am being short, but I often have to go because I am on a limited time frame…something we didn’t have to cope with in the beginning of our conversations. But I do enjoy those conversations and her company via texts and tonight Skype!  So we’ll just continue to work around the job hours.  She’s lucky to be the boss at her job, so she’s kind of got free rein on her own time and can be talking to me whenever she pleases provided she’s not in a meeting or with clients.  Lucky duck.

So I did post a private blog about the ending of seeing “DG” as I used to call the woman I was interested in who lives nearby me.  I wrote the blog as sort of a putting down, for myself, in words what happened and why I think it happened and some of what I learned from the experience.  I am still a little sad that it had to end that way, but I didn’t know what else to do, she wasn’t responding to me and I saw no other choice than to just end things and let her get on with whatever it is that she’s involved in, and let me get on with my life and not be feeling like I was waiting in the wings for her attention. I was very into her and didn’t want to hurt her either.  But I was hurting from the confusion myself, so I had to do it.   It’s a password protected blog, so the details are pretty much private to me and a VERY select few who have the password.  I didn’t feel it was a blog that necessarily needed to be public, for myself and out of respect for her.  Although I have always protected her identity anyway, and would never compromise that out of respect.  I do wish her well, and wish that maybe things could have been different had we had more time, and I worry about her as she suffers with a lot of stress.

Dating is kind of on my mind but not lately.  I’m not really sure what I think about it to tell the truth.  I’d love to have someone that I could wrap my arms around and not only make them feel safe and loved, but feel that way myself too.  But I’m really skeptical these days.  I’m not sure that there IS really someone that I can connect with on that level again within my striking distance rule.  Mushy and I talk, and while I do have a little crush on her, I know that she’s right when she tells me that she’s too young, and too far away right now for me to be thinking about her that way. I always go for those younger women, and for those unattainable womena….it’s an addiction I think sometimes, although she is over my 30 yr old mark..but she’s definitely in the unattainable bracket, and I am aware of that more now.

If only I were 10 years younger, haha…but it’s okay, we are great friends and that’s what counts the most.  She keeps me from being too lonely, keeps me engaged in great conversations, makes me think and seems to genuinely care for me…I’m a lucky damned Butch.  I meet some of the most awesome people in this world, and connect occasionally with a great one like her.  Yeah, 10 years younger and a bit more mobile and I’d be all set.  But I am 52, settled down and kind of want someone who wants to live a quiet life, snuggling by the bonfire on a Saturday night, or watching movies on the couch. The extent of my excitement would be camping and kayaking down the Saco, or a long drive through the mountains on a Saturday afternoon, stopping maybe at a motel for an intimate night of fun.   Maybe I’m just boring, but hey I’m happy and a lot less stressed than most with things just the way they are for me.

So I guess it’s definitely the single Butch life once again for me.  I’m cool with that.  Someday that woman of my dreams will show up and want to stay…maybe.  I wonder sometimes if I am too demanding, is it wrong to want some kind of emotional connection as well as a sexual / physical one? (Not that I am not into great sex!)  I think as I have gotten older I put a lot more emphasis on that personal emotional connection.  I’m very independent, so I don’t require much, but I do require some definite things, like lots of communication and some positive attention.  I give as well as I get in this area too.

Dating is just so fucking complicated these days.  You have to meet someone…generally via online process…and then get to know them and if they live like a bazillion miles away it just sucks.  I wish there were more of an out community here in the area where I live.  I do see a lot of LGBT people at work, a couple that work in the building and a few customers that have made the all knowing eye contact thing.  But more or less I get mistaken for a guy at work anyways, so it’s fucking fruitless right now for me.  Any woman that I date would have to be strong willed, strong minded and smart, and not be bothered by what other people think of us.  Plus she would have to be willing to commit to us getting to know each other pretty good before I am taking it any further again.  I’ve made some minor mistakes in the past in moving too fast…I think I need to slow it down, but when I get that feeling like I did with DG that I was so sure of I let my caution go to the wind.  It’s just a bitch to meet someone that you are really into like that and then to have it not go the way you want it to go.  Just a bitch.

Ok, I need to find a way to sleep and get my mind clear.  I’m starting to get that overwhelmed feeling, anxiety and feeling like I am coming undone.  It’s too much stuff on my mind, too many little things that just pile up into a big mess.  Work has me also stressed out about keeping up with the house and it’s needs.  I need to get to the yard and doing the outside winter preparation stuff tomorrow…except it’s started to rain tonight, ugh.  I can still get everything put away and stored for the winter, get the storm windows down and make sure I have dry wood for some winter bonfires.  yeah…winter night bonfires…so nice on a warmer night when the stars are bright in the sky above…looking forward to that for sure.

Peace~    MB

Understanding What Love Is..and Is Not

She says she wonders if I even know what love is.  (*Remember the crazy case a couple years back that said I wasn’t Butch because I wouldn’t do her?….same scenario, different woman)

And I do  know what love is.  And I know what it is not.

It’s not ignoring someone who cares deeply for you.  It’s not hiding from your emotions, and hiding your emotions from your lover.  It is keeping the communications lines completely open, being there when the other person needs you.  Love is about being loving.  It’s about showing affection and about paying attention.

Love is not hard.  Love is not difficult.  Love should come easily and be freely given.  If it’s not easy then it has to be worked on together if the two people want it to work.   Love is not a one way street, where one can just sit back and wait for the other all the time.

Not making your lover your priority is not love.  Even if you have other responsiblities in life you will find a way if it’s a priority.  No one is “too busy” ever.  If one is “too busy” then something is way out of whack.  Love is one of the biggest stress relievers known to man – and woman!  Love is knowing your partner, knowing what makes them tick and what they need and want in the relationship.  Love is not ignoring things – even little things.  Love is not putting them off until you have “time”.

Love is when two people really care and want to be together and they find a way to do exactly that – be together.   Love is being supportive and about also accepting support when you need it.  Love is not about saying things won’t work and then being angry when they don’t.  It’s about believing in the relationship, and making it work.

There are so many more things that love is about…I couldn’t list them all here.

Now, I’m not the one who doesn’t understand what Love is….

(taken from a much longer private post)

2014 So Far…and Stone? Butch…

Boots
Boots

2014 is coming into it’s last couple of months, and I am reflecting on the months of this year that are now behind me.  It’s been actually a really great year for me.  I can’t complain, I won’t complain.  I have had some pretty awesome things happen and have been pleased with this year in general.  Compared to the previous two years this one has been a virtual cake walk.  Now, it hasn’t all been roses by any means.  I’ve had a couple of tough situations sprinkled in among the good stuff too.  I think that those challenging situations make the positive stuff look even that much more appealing.

I have had to curtail one pretty close friendship this year.  Someone who was in my life for 6-7 years and who taught me a lot about myself over the times that we shared  I had to end the friendship because it just wasn’t healthy for either of us.  She wanted more than friendship, and I wanted more of a casual friendship and less of a closer friendship….see we were definitely not on that same page in our lives. I have a lot of respect for her and always have wished her the very best.  I don’t know if she reads me anymore, but if she does I know that she’ll agree that our taking different paths now is for the very best for both of us.

I had a serious year of personal growth.  As I look, back over blogs and records of 2014 I can see the changes pretty vividly in my own mind.  I came into 2014 with that gusto that says “THIS is going to be MY year” and I tried not to lose sight of that vision.  There were times that I stumbled, woke up and forgot to be grateful, or forgot to be mindful of the moment.  I think it’s natural to have a few of those.  I know that I had more days where I did embrace and follow a more relaxing routine that I worked on developing over the last couple of years.  A year like I have had doesn’t just happen I don’t believe, you have to be willing and able to make it happen for yourself.  I came into the year much more willing and with a truthful mindfulness of what I wanted out of it.  The mistakes I made were inevitably part of the process of growing and learning, no matter how painful or irritating those moments were, they were meant to be part of the deal.  I came into the year with a blah hand of cards to begin with, but I tossed them all back and pulled a fresh hand to work with, so to speak.  That was the best move I made.  To let go of what I could not control; to accept and recognize that there would be things beyond my control that I would have to just let be.

I engaged in really cool conversations with my American friend who lives abroad, who I shall now call Mushy.  She has showed me what things could look like if I wanted them.  Everything I had been wanting in the way of a romantic partner – or thought that I wanted – seemed to not really fit with what I actually needed in reality.  Through a series of deep questions, which led to some very deep contemplation on my part, I started to see the err in my desires.  It’s actually kind of hard to explain, but there was this big sort of s “shift” inside of me that I think really needed to happen, no matter what.  When I was confronted with these questions and asked to really think about my answers I started to find that my old pattern of thinking wasn’t lining up with my answers very well at all.  I thought that I had a certain “type” of woman that would make me happy in love, and in a relationship.  And after some back and forth I came to some very real and eye-opening revelations about myself.  I had been thinking one way, but internally desiring quite another.

I wrote about the changing of my “type” of woman a few blogs ago.  The more I have thought about that the more appealing it is to me.  My woman has to be different than the typical type I have previously gone for.  She’s strong and she’s demanding – like me.  But she also is very loving and caring and makes me a priority.  She may be shy, but she’s also bold, and she’s okay with my taking charge, too.  She knows when to turn off the work clock and turn her attentions to me, to us; her and I.  She just needs me to help her relax away the stress from her job, she needs my touch to let her know she’s so much more than the job or her work persona.  She’ll want to relax into my arms and let me love her like she deserves to be loved.  And she will love me in return just as much.  Yeah…that will work.

There’s this pressure in the Butch-Femme community for Butches to only date Femmes…although some buck the trend, for the most part that’s the main body of the Butch-Femme dynamic.  Butches date only Femmes and visa verse’ especially “stone” Butches and “stone” Femmes . While I have always gone for the very Femme women, those diva types, then maybe the next step toward the middle.  On this scale of Butch/Femme I would date the 1’s and 2’s.  I fall myself around a 9.5…I’m stone, but I’m not unreachable.  This I have discovered about myself.  In some ways I am very stone, yet in others I am certainly not the stereotypical stone.  I know, it’s confusing.  Hell it confuses me sometimes!  I think that everyone is very individual.  While my definition of Butch may be slightly different from my buddy’s definition, the cores are very similar.

femmebutchchart

I have found that I am not as emotionally stunted as I previously thought I was – or maybe I even was..but I’m not now.  I’ve grown in that particular area quite a bit.  I can express emotion now much more freely than I could say 4 years ago…we change, we grow, and this has been part of my own personal growth for sure. I’ve become much more open with my feelings, less likely to just stuff them as I used to do.  I’m not afraid to speak my mind – even if it’s uncomfortable or makes me feel vulnerable – anymore.  I was told that I am very soft and gentle in actuality and as I sat back and thought about it and thought about the last 6 months of my life I can see where I have definitely come out of my shell emotionally.

Perhaps it’s got something to do with the people that I have associated with more these days.  I have had a good solid network of great friends and a couple of very special women in my life this year.  Most have all helped me to relax more and to be more trusting.  Yesterday I was told that I don’t have “Stone emotions”, that my fear of emotional exposure was more from being “screwed over” in the past….I had to think about this, and I have to say it’s pretty close to the truth.  I have always had this fear of my own emotions, I never cry…and if I do you’ll never see me do it.  I try very hard to keep my emotions in check so that I’m not wearing them on my sleeve, so to speak.  But it’s more about comfort level than it is about being stone Butch or not.  Even stone Butches have hearts and emotions, we were just under the impression that we had to hide them to appear more tough and stoic. I’m tired of appearing tough, or rough, or scary.  I’m weary from keeping emotions bottled up inside where not showing them somehow protects me from exposing my true self.  I’m a sap inside. I’m seeing that the only thing that stone represents truly to me is a sexual preference.

I think I am just going to start calling myself plain ‘ole Butch.  I can take up the stone sexuality part with my lover when necessary, and not worry about all the stereotypical crap anymore.  I don’t have to take on anything that I don’t want.  I’m definitely a masculine of center (MOC) Butch…on the exterior anyways, but on the interior I’m finding that I am a lot softer than I am stone.  It’s actually a little freeing just saying that out loud.  I never thought I’d see myself admitting that I am soft in any way…amazing.  Hell, I amaze even myself.  Now, you still won’t see me cry probably, and I am probably still going to say “fuck” a lot….and I’m not going to change anything, just going to drop the “stone” label because it just doesn’t feel right anymore.  I don’t need anything that makes me look or feel any harder-core than I already am.

I met someone recently who has been having a major impact on my life.  She’s quite the woman.  The past few weeks she’s helped me to see that there is no such thing as too busy; that I am and can be a priority.  She has a very high level, stressful and high pressure type of job…and yet she’s made time in her every day for me…several times a day!   Even when she’s schmoozing 400 people at one of her big events I get texts from her – just because. That makes me feel pretty damned special!  I’m pretty impressed to say the least.  She is not the typical type that I have fallen for in the past…she’s more on the scale of a 5  (reference graph above) I’d say. (hahaha) She’s got her head on really well, and she’s even taught this old dog some new stuff.  Especially about what I deserve and what I should or should not accept from others, and I am sure I have more to learn from her.  Anyways,  I have mad respect for her, and a big fat crush on her too.  Or maybe it’s on her cat…they’re both pretty damned adorable!  Either way, I want to continue to get to know her, and have her get to know me.  There’s no rush here, and we have so much more to learn together I am sure. I love how comfortable she makes me in talking – that’s something really kind of new to me this year – talking and learning about someone a lot more than I’ve been interested in doing in the past.  The pure emotional connection we are making is pretty amazing.  And I love that she wants to talk to me all the time, and that she’s even apologetic when she has to go to work or to go work out even…and she doesn’t have to be apologizing for any of that, but she does…and it’s impressive to know that she cares enough to be that way with me; that she makes me a priority.  That’s something she’s taught me – not to take less than being a priority.

So that’s the synopsis to date for 2014…interesting fucking year it has been.  I know I am skipping some things, right now I am not quite sure how to put an ending on certain stuff.

Rock on.  ~MB

 

Published in HerShe Magazine!

So I have returned to the working world..at least for the next 6-9 months (I love my summer freedom!) and my feet are killing me.  Working standing on solid concrete floors all day in work boots is trashing my feet to start, they’ll become accustomed, but the interim pain is horrible.  I just slathered both feet in Voltaren, swallowed extra morphine and 3 ibuprophens, I hope I can sleep!  I know, I have BABY feet, I do baby them and they’ve never seen bare ground…it’s a thing, I’m very protective of my feet since injuring them repelling in the Army.  If I wore sneakers they’d be twice as bad, so don’t even suggest it!  🙂

I came home tonight, made dinner for myself and turned on my computer for the first time in 2 days…yesterday was a wash…I discovered there was football on from 9:30 am to 10pm yesterday, so I was on the couch all day.  I played around texting with Mushy and after football I watched the remainder of the World Series game 5….so it’ was a sports immersion day for MainelyButch.  I couldn’t have been happier…well…maybe….but it was a pretty damned good day for any Butch from a television sports perspective anyway!  I even made some break and bake chocolate chip cookies – or as my buddy Suretta calls them, Butch Cookies.  Easy to cook, eat em while their hot.

So after turning on my computer and skimming through a hundred junk mails I came across an email saying my “Disappearing Butches” blog piece had been published on Toronto’s lesbian site HerShe Magazine.  This pleases me immensely as you might imagine.  I’m always pleased when one of my writings appears somewhere other than here, although my following here has grown and I thank you all my dear readers!

I’m so exhausted tonight that I brought my main laptop into the bedroom – which also has a brand new Vizio television set to replace the one I drunkenly smashed a couple of weeks ago – so that I could write a bit tonight, and work on two other pieces that I had written and not yet posted from a few days ago.  Work is going to get in the way of my writing, I can see that already, but I’ll just be staying up later and getting up earlier to make sure I continue to post.

Ok I am off to edit some other stuff and relax here.  I hope my feet are better by my 6am shift tomorrow morning!  Hey, at least it’s only my feet, other than that I feel terrific! 🙂  ~MB

Trust the Vibes

“Trust the vibes you get, energy doesn’t lie.”

Q: Do you believe people give off a certain vibe?

I think that everyone has a certain vibe that they give off naturally to the world.  Then there are vibes that are given off in personal situations, that’s where I tend to listen to my gut instinct and go with what the little voice in my head says.  If the voice is loud I tend to listen closer, because that means that the vibe I am getting is louder as well.  Those vibes can be so foretelling of the future, or can be remnants of the past.  It just depends on the person and the situation.

I understand vibes as a part of the communication pathway between two people.  If I feel good about talking to you and you are responding well to me then the vibes I get are bound to be more positive and uplifting.  I will feel good about our interactions and will get good feelings from our conversations.  Those are positive, feel-good kinds of vibes.  These are the vibes and energies that I love.

If the communication is bad and I am getting the signals that it’s because the other person isn’t really engaging me then I may hear the little voice telling me that I am trying to talk to a brick wall, and one looks very stupid talking to inanimate objects.  Energy has to be expended in communicating – energy from both sources of the conversation.  One cannot have a conversation with oneself (although many of us try!) in truth.  It takes two to converse.  It takes two to make it work.  One person doing all the energy work is going to get really tired and frustrated, perhaps to the point of just ending the conversation.

Energy is important in all aspects of life.  Especially in relationships we have – all types of relationships from friendships to familial interactions, to attractions and romantic interests.  All relationships require energy to keep them healthy and working properly.  Vibes are that energy that we outwardly project to another person, and that person will pick up on the vibes/energy, often returning it in kind.  That is how we work; it’s how the human brain and heart work.

I’ve had some great experiences learning about positive vibes and some not so good ones with more negative or lackluster vibes. I thrive on the positive, I eat it up.  I love being around positive people; people who understand that there’s enough negativity in life and that bringing it into a friendship or a relationship is like punching holes in a good boat…it’s going to sink, no matter what. I try to give off only good, positive vibes and leave the negativity to the Miserable Mays of the world.  It’s pretty much just that simple with me.  If someone starts giving off bad vibes, and acting in negative ways it turns me off and with enough of it I will simply block that energy path completely. I hate to say I have very low tolerance for self-depreciation and the burden of negative thought that it carries.  I’d rather not have that stuff in my life and since it’s MY life I get to make that decision.

Positive energy is more than welcome.  I enjoy great conversations, and great people when they come into my life.  Sometimes even great people can have moments when they are down, and I do try to understand that and give some room for the person to come out of the funk.  If that funk lasts and lasts then while I may not “run” I certainly won’t be continuing to throw my conversation or energy their way for them to be only to be met with silence or negative nonsense.

Today I dealt with good, positive energy as well as a few bad vibes in the course of my day.  Hey, it’s real life and we all know that nothing is perfect.  And I don’t expect things to be wonderful all of the time, but I can certainly choose to have them be pretty damned good most of the time, or so I have discovered.  I’m still learning so much about life, even at 52 I find that things are ever evolving and moving forward in some way.  I enjoy learning, especially when it ups my happiness quotient by a few degrees.

The saying above that this blog started with, that energy doesn’t lie…this is so very true.  When you project bad energy it generally comes from somewhere inside of you that is bearing the truth with your actions and words.  And if you choose to look at things through a negative lens then negativity is what you will see and receive in response.  Even though I generally try to put positive spin on negative situations sometimes it just can’t be done, and I’ve resolved myself to just accepting that fact.

Peace!  ~MB~