Handful of wants (0ceanswaters wrote about this and spurred the thought)…oh to have such a thing….if only one could limit this indiscretion to one handful…If I could have just a handful of things…what would they be. I’d want more time with my girl…I’d be in a luxurious room in Vegas somewhere … I’d want a bubble bath so big I could invite 2 friends, complete with mimosas and melon…I’d want to play cards and win…I’d want a quiet bonfire on a Saturday night, with my arms wrapped around her. I’d like a lifeguard station on an abandoned beach late at night with my fierce Femme and with starlight as the only glow. I’d want uninterrupted NFL football on Sundays..unless you are asking what I want to eat we have nothing to say on Sundays.
So people love to ask me – and Lori lately – what it is that Butches want, which I find to be the most redundant question in my life. What is it? Do we present as from a different planet or something? We all want something different, but yet humanly we all want the same damned things. Humans have 6 basic needs..certainty/security, variety, love/connection, significance, personal growth, and knowing contribution (the last 2 are more spectral needs). I don’t think that Butches are any different than the rest of humanity, we want the same things, we just don’t always express it quite right.
I have fantasies, left over memories and the combination that stirs me into creating new scenes in my head. I want lots of things, some tangible and some intangible….but I also am one who likes to live in the present moment most of the time, and I have taken to leaving it up to the Universe to decide what it is that I need most at any one point in time – hell it’s worked great lately. Long range plans and I don’t always combine very easily. I know that. I have a slight issue looking too far into the future…maybe that hinders me, perhaps it frees me – I prefer the latter, but you can decide.
I spent the day with a Butch buddy of mine, doing some very Butch things…it’s amazing what we just happen upon in our travels sometimes. I’m kind of going to miss that when my buddy leaves, but I’ll figure it out with my other friends. But the kinds of conversation and the likeness of how we navigate the world is just priceless to experience. I find it so easy to laugh and so easy to just BE when I am around others of my own mindset. It’s like why doesn’t the rest of the world seem to GET this??
Being Butch is just how the two of us are, and how some of our friends are, in this world…it’s not always easy to walk, but some days do have their benefits. Today for instance I got pegged right off for a military vet and my buddy didn’t….but we both got seen for our gender bending appearances. It’s so cool to just hang out and not care about what the rest of the world thinks, I like hanging with L for that reason; I never feel completely out of place like usually I do when I am alone in public. Today’s excursion took us up to Scarborough and to the Army Barracks Inc., store up there..it was a very destination oriented journey. I thought we had died and gone to veterans’ heaven or something…it was incredible. Made me long for my days in uniform for sure. There’s just something about a couple of bored Butches shopping in the Army surplus store on a beautiful Saturday afternoon that just makes perfect sense.
L leaves on the 3rd of October for her journey west on her bike. Today we had to get some packs so she can haul her stuff on the bike. It’s going to be packed to the hilt I can see already. I can just imagine the front tire being really light and going up easily…oy vey. And getting her gear together was the mission of the day with us at the surplus store. We both find that store to be really reasonable with stuff like that, where if you use Marden’s or Reny’s then you never know if they are going to have the stuff, whereas Army Barracks is bound to have it! It’s going to be interesting to see her off on the 3rd and then turn around and help Suretta move that same weekend. What is it with Butches and moving anyway?
Tomorrow I have to put on the family hat (and Sunday clothes of course) and attend a family dinner…which happens to be at the same time as the game starting…so you know it will turn into a football watching party in no time flat. Which is good, because there will also be tons of food and beverages! I really love hanging out with my family, I was at my sister’s this evening after I dropped L off at her house. Went over there for a bbq and some awesome bonfire conversation time. My family has always been fairly close; I being the oldest of 5 try to keep them all in touch on some level, and since we all live in relatively the same area it’s pretty easy sometimes. We don’t do bad, but with all the kids in the mix now it’s tougher to get the core clan together all at once. Tomorrow may be part of the family, but I doubt the whole group will show. The complexity of what is going on in each person’s lives will play into the attendance I am sure.
I try to stay busy….but damn, she’s always on my mind…