Some days just suck.
Hey dear readers, I shouldn’t have posted that last post…and I took it down. I admit that I’ve been a little on the snappy side all day. Maybe it’s the paint fumes….
I’ve said before that I am seeing someone who I seriously care for and who has a super complicated schedule…I guess I just don’t quite “get” how complicated quite yet. I shouldn’t jump so quick…but I am really over cautious sometimes. I’m allowing myself to be a bit vulnerable here, and that’s scary. I’m not good at guessing, and I need a certain amount of communication days. I don’t want that to be too much to ask…and I also don’t want to be someone’s pain in the ass, or afterthought. I guess that’s how I was feeling today. It’s been a long, long week. I need to just chill, smoke some weed and chill….good damned thing I don’t still drink! HA!
It’s a bitch allowing yourself to be vulnerable to emotion….this is why I have been really careful the last few years about getting involved or overly invested in anyone. I want to believe that she is different; that she’s worth the risks involved. I think we need to spend more time talking and together to get used to one another more. But making that happen is like making ice in hell. Sure it’s frustrating, but I can’t just turn off what I feel anymore. So wherever this takes me, that’s where I’ll be.
I’m also used to a different kind of dynamic that calls for me to be more forceful and demanding. I am trying like a mother fucker to not be that way with her. Her other obligations don’t allow for it. Typically I would be pushing for more than I currently am, time wise at least. Hell, I’m going to figure this out, one way or another. I can be a simple keep…it just takes a little communication. I just need to learn what does me good and what doesn’t count. I admit that I haven’t done this very much the last 6-7 years, so I am rusty at it and that scares me too. I’m always afraid of saying the wrong thing. Like that last post…I was wrong to post it. I’m sorry.
I’ve been working all day on a project here at the house, painting my bedroom and preparing to rip out the carpet and put down a hardwood floor. I hate carpet. I cannot wait to get that wood down and not have to deal with the carpet anymore. The Butch cave is a disaster tonight. Stuff is everywhere because I had to empty out the room, save for the furniture, to get the painting done. House interior and exterior painting is something that I did professionally for a couple of years for Painting Rose back in the late 80’s on one of my excursions in living away from Maine for a while. I lived in the heart of Washington DC for about 18 months. (a whole other story I could tell!) It was actually a job that I loved. I did all the “high” work, probably because at that time I was usually high enough myself that the height work didn’t scare me. I remember one particular gorgeous day on a roof in Alexandria, Virginia, just out side of DC where I lived at the time, and I was on the roof installing a chimney cap. My whole crew and I would make up “painter’s rap” songs….I can still remember being up there and singing those dang songs with the gang below. My rap skills are average for a white boi, but we sure had a lot of fun. I can write a song or poem in a heartbeat….that was my skill contribution to the Rappin Painters…I’d write the songs and they’d put them to beats and rap them out. It was a blast and is a great memory.
So anyway, the room is all ready to be rolled out…I spent hours cutting in all the way around twice. Brush work was always my forte anyways, so it was like Zen work most of the day and kept my mind busy. On my breaks from painting I worked on data entry for the Trans* Violence project. Oh joy. I had to incident report on a 16 yr old’s suicide at his Catholic school. Kid killed himself after being harassed by faculty and other students…it was a tragic story. It sickens me to have to input the suicides especially. I can see how hard it is, I remember being a scared kid with a big secret too. I don’t know what I would have done if I had been unfortunately outed in high school. I expended way too much energy trying to hide. Today it seems that kids reach for suicide a lot more frequently. I find that incredibly sad.