Twisted up Tuesday….

Today is one of those days when I have a ton of various things on my mind.  Seems I have an awful lot going on lately, in daily life and upstairs in the bell tower.  Ding.  I’ve done a good bit of blog reading today, as well as news and other reading.  I’m a formidable reader, it’s a voracious appetite I have for words.  Plus I just like to stay up to date on stuff and keep my mind sharp as it can be.

I had to take some computers over to my buddy Bob in York today.  It was a gorgeous ride.  I found myself marveling at the lush green landscape, it’s turning that deep “done” green color now, as we approach fall and the end of the new growth cycle with everything green.  In the spring that green is always so “new” looking, vibrant and lighter. Then as fall approaches things begin to take on that deeper, more finished shade of green.  `I found my mind straying to sitting on a river bank fishing and enjoying the fall weather.  I love bass fishing in the fall, riverside or by boat, it’s all the same to me.  I love the quiet, or the laughter of a friend to fish with, either way it’s a happy experience and one I cherish each Autumn season.  I shall have to plan a day at the lake.  Or a kaya-fishing expedition to the mill pond, that’s always fun – fishing from the kayak, letting the bigger fish pull you around a bit in the fight.

I’ve been reading through report after report on the Trans Violence Tracking Portal….ughhhh…it’s grueling and shocking as hell.  It’s maddening how much violence is perpetrated against Trans* individuals on a daily basis, across the globe, for reasons related to bias against their identities.  I feel a bit creepy crawling through these records, reading news story after news story of shocking circumstances of brutality and most often murder.  It’s a project that needs a lot of work, daily data entry and research, and the women who are running the project are just awesome.  I seriously don’t know how they have steeled their nerves to this stuff, because it bothers the fuck out of me.  It angers me that people are so ruthlessly brutal and ignorant.   I’m fast learning that I have a lot more to learn about people and life.

The woman that I am completely crazy over is out of the country currently…dammit.  It gives me far too much time to think about things.  things like how often am I seriously going to be able to see this woman.  Then again it works, if I like my own time, and being able to just do what I want then I shouldn’t complain either.  Of course I’d like more time with her, but I am seeing that that is going to be a near impossibility for her with all that she has already committed to.  Guess it’s a good thing I AM an independent fuck.  See, this could work well and to everyone’s advantage looked at in the right perspective.  I get to see her and be with her when she can fit me in, and the rest of the time I get to not worry about being responsible to anyone on a daily basis…just the way I kinda like it.  Because I am more used to getting what I want when I want it, this is definitely playing on my last nerve of patience at times.

My barber and I hung out for a really long time yesterday.  He treats me just like one of the guys…and he made it clear yesterday that if I were to stay as one of the guys that I had to engage in the guy gossip….holy hell.  I can now officially vouch for the fact that men are pigs.  At least my buddies at the barbershop are damned close.  I was raised with a bunch of good boys and men anyways, and I’ve always fit in better with thgem than with the more feminine gender.  And evidently nothing is sacred unless it’s endorsed by the boys.  I found out just how inquisitive they can be with one another about their lady friends especially.  I got to hang out at the Dice more often, it’s good for stoking my ego.  Couple games of pool, and some banter about politics, then the local scene, who’s fucking up this week, and a little boy climbs up into Johnny’s chair – atop of a Craftsman tool box as a booster seat (perfection) and we tone it down for the little dude.  The boy gets his first sharp cut fade….Johnny’s blade makes the kids head gleam.  The smile on the little fellow’s face afterwards was priceless, except for the quarter Johnny gave him to get candy from the machine with….yeah it was a good evening with the guys at the Dice.  I can’t say enough about getting a good haircut; edged out to perfection…where has this guy been all my life?  Barber extraordinaire Mr. Johnny Watson is for sure.  I always feel great after the cut, which he shaves out with a hot lather finish.  I’m amazed that more Butches don’t quit trying to get hair dressers to cut their hair right and go to a good damned barber.  Hell, makes me consider becoming a barber myself!  ha

**Spent some more time with my family tonight…spent a good amount of time just sitting back and watching them.  They’re a great bunch and really diverse in personalities.  It’s kind of amazing to me.  Then I come home and am online with a friend who is battling end stage cancer at the moment….what an incredible contrast in lives.  I got this sinking feeling as I sit here, encouraging him to write his memoirs…to blog…to get his story out there for the rest of the world to understand more of this ftm/Trans* puzzle that we all seem to play a piece in daily.  I absolutely hate moments like that…like this.  It makes me really uncomfortable with my own  super good current health status, to know and see that I am so fucking healthy and here my buddy is really, really sick and facing mortality.  Sometimes it just really makes you think about just how long we each have to complete these urgent journeys of ours.  No matter what we are doing today, tomorrow could be game changing, so I guess there is wisdom in living in the moment and making damned sure people know where you stand with them.  I told my buddy tonight that I loved him and I don’t know what else one can really say or do to make any of it any better.  He’s sick with chemo treatments, that if they work may extend his life by 5-6 months…shit.  Can you even imagine?  What would you do if you knew you had a fucking expiration date of 6 months down this proverbial road?  Would you change what you are doing? Who would you choose to include and who would you eliminate?  This has me thinking wayyyy too deep.  Fuck.  Seems like the only appropriate word at this moment.  Later .

 

 

 

 

 

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Author: MainelyButch

I am a pretty relaxed, proud, Butch and a native Mainer who enjoys reading, writing, blogging, vlogging and social interaction. I live in southern Maine, near the coast with my 2 small dogs and I hail from a very large, loving family that is historically rooted here. I write about my life, my experiences, living successfully with HIV, my YouTube experiences, and just about anything that piques my interest. This blog may contain profanity and sexual situations, and is not intended for younger audiences. Read at your own risk. At 54 I see life as just beginning a new chapter, and have decide this is the time that I need to write the stories that got me to this point. I believe we live our lives in chapters, changing, evolving and moving continuously with the times. I love to laugh, have discussions, debates and even the occasional nonsense conversation! I generally enjoy people, but not drama, hatred, ignorance or those who choose to feel they are somehow elite or superior to another simply due to their mere existence. I try to be very conscious of the health of the world around me - environmentally, socially, economically, and ethically. The people who are dear to me know me as having a tough exterior, filled with marshmallow and crunchy peanut butter. I continually strive to be the best I can be, especially to address life head on...always.

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