I tend to listen quite well for the most part anyways. And I have learned that everything has its messages. I was talking to a Femme friend of mine tonight; she’s always a good advisor when I have questions. We got to talking about how to communicate…interesting conversation I must say. Her advice: Talk, listen, watch…it’s quite a dance. People will tell you who they are if you listen to their words, someone once told me. I just hope I am a good listener, because I know I suck at talking sometimes.
I had a hard ass day. My pain level was off the charts. It was a hard day to hide it. And to top it off I basically have walking pneumonia and had to go to the doctor’s for some antibiotics early this morning. Then I just tried to get through the day of tasks…I lasted ‘til about 2pm and had to give up and go home and rest. Seems that in my enthusiasm of partying with my family last Sunday I busted myself up a bit hard…popped a couple of ribs and a stitch or two. So, I am down for the count for a few days here, I have to get on my game for this weekend, but until Friday I am good with resting and taking my meds. It’s hard to keep this good Butch down….heh.
So I went out today and met Mom for breakfast…I could tell that the waitress was a little gender confused with me. I always try to just ignore it, but she was really studying me hard. And after yesterday, where I got hit on at the AT&T store, I was hyper vigilant about my presentation. It seems that I was too beat up this morning to care what I looked like when I left for the doctor’s…so I showered and just threw on some ripped ups and a black T-shirt….with my haircut and tats it dawns on me that now – after top surgery – I do really confuse some people! And the fact that I won’t correct them if they are wrong….hell, I can have some fun with this!
I feel really lucky to live in the area of the country where I live. I also think that people here are very much in the mode of “live and let live” which works very well for me, as I am going to do damned well what I please regardless. But it’s nice when I am out, as long as I smile, I seem to be gifted with the ability to melt any doubt from anyone’s mind in under a minute, that I am not a danger. It does make me wonder about how I would be received in other areas of the country nowadays…when I was criss-crossing America on my motorcycle I didn’t give a rats ass, and there is a biker code that guides people generally in that lifestyle…problem is I hate carrying that lifestyle over into today’s life – makes me come off as far too rough evidently. I suppose my ripped ups and motorcycle T’s need to soon be retired once and for all…sigh.
I got accused of using the word Trans* as a bad word…someone commented in my blog about my recent surgery where I was stating that I didn’t identify as Trans*. I am so freaking confused sometimes…I in NO way would ever intend any negativity towards my Trans* brothers and sisters…period. I think most know me in the community well enough to know this by now. I’ve been skimming the edge of existence here for some years now. Why anyone would accuse me of being somehow Transphobic I have no clue. Perhaps they don’t get just how close I am to that imaginary line. Let me reassure you all that I am a huge supporter of the Transgender community and for equality for all persons, regardless of gender identity.
But…once again I am attacked by the gender police…that makes 3 times in a week nonetheless. First I am no longer Butch enough because I chose to have top surgery, which according to that particular enforcer makes me Trans*….and when I defend my Stone Butch identity I get called out for speaking somehow out of line about the word Trans*? Then I get the wishy-washy stuff in between…it’s so interesting to walk this line. I can’t wait to have to use a public facility in the future – which you all know will be a cold day in hell for me. I didn’t develop the ability to not have to piss for a good 20 hours straight for nothing! Ha! And I’ve decided that I don’t ever have to try on clothing in a dressing room again…I know what size to buy. Done. Rock on. ~MB