Top Surgery: A Butch Perspective

Picture 227As most of you know I had top surgery on August 18th by Dr. Kimberly Marble at Exeter Hospital in New Hampshire.  I wrote a piece on August 30th about some of the reactions I had received regarding my choice to go ahead with this surgery.  In the month since that post I have noticed that I have gotten quite a large number of emails and messages from other Butch identified lesbians and transguys concerning my surgery, my experience and asking many great questions.  It’s something that there are dozens ways to look at, but every experience has it’s uniqueness.  Because I see this as an opportunity to educate some and re-educate others I will take the entire subject up here disected into digestible pieces.

How long did it take from the time you made your decision until you got your surgery?

I decided in February 2014 that I would pursue top surgery.  I discussed the possibility with my primary care doctor, got a referral to a plastic surgeon and made a therapy appointment all in the same day in February.  But, while I was pursing this I did keep it pretty much under wraps for family reasons, until mid-July when I finally told my family shortly before my second surgeon interview.  Needless to say they were less than pleased, my parents anyways, my sisters were actually more supportive as both had had reductions in the past – just not as drastically as I have done.  I don’t think that they still even know what to say or how to act.  I know they are wondering if I am Trans* as well.  I am just not in the frame of mind that I need to have this conversation with my aging parents at this point.

Why did you decide to do this now?  

I think that any type of body modification – from surgery to tattoos – is a very personal decision.  I was tired of the body dysphoria that I had experienced since I was about 13 and started to develop as a girl.  You live with something for so long and then something just clicks and you move to do something about it, I believe.  I had researched, watched friends undergo the procedure, seen hundreds of videos and knew what I was wanting and getting into.  Thankfully I have a strong sense of self, because once I made this change there was no going back – hell, why they hell would I want to?  I always hated my body with boobs, it’s much nicer without them!  I am 52 and not getting any younger.  I didn’t do this when I was 32 because I was in a LTR and the procedures were not as refined as they are now. Plus I never thought I could get it covered by insurance.

For years I bound like most every other Butch does, and I got really tired of that.  The summer heat and a binder just don’t go together well.  And with my back problems, it just made things worse.  Actually since the surgery my back is alot better – because I am not binding and because of the change of body structure relieving the disks in my neck.

How did you find a surgeon in Maine?

I actually had my surgery done in New Hampshire, about 20 miles from where I live in southern Maine.  Finding a good surgeon is a hard process for anyone.  Allowing someone to modify your body like this, doing a major surgery, isn’t to be taken lightly at all.  I contacted four different surgeons.  Two were well known in the Boston area, but neither took my insurances.  Then I had an appointment with the one I was referred to first by my PC doctor.  I met him at the beginning of June, and it wasn’t good right from the get go.  He turned out to be quite homo/transphobic and we didn’t get along one bit.  Thankfully I decided as I drove out of his parking lot that he would not be touching my body with a scalpel.  No way, his attitude sucked, his mannerism sucked and the type of surgery he was suggesting would have looked awful.  So on to find a surgeon I went.

I found Dr. Kimberly Marble soon after that appointment.  I studied her work, researched her online and checked her credentials thoroughly before calling to schedule an interview / consultation appointment (after obtaining the proper referral from my primary care doctor of course).  When I met her on July 24th she and I got along great right from the start.  She was kind, personable and funny – and I like humor doncha know – and very professional.  She listened to me explain to her that I am a stone Butch lesbian and just didn’t want to live with the boobs anymore.  As well as the fact that my neck disks were herniated and my shoulders both had problems – hey never hurts to have medical back up for surgery!  She qualified me for surgery pretty much on the spot and we set a date before I left the office that day – August 18, 2014.

What did your partner think of you doing the surgery?

I didn’t really have to deal with any partner issues on my own surgery.  I wasn’t really seeing anyone when I was going through the appointments or leading up to the procedure.  I was dating someone in February, and she was very supportive of me doing it as she knew how much the dysphoria bothered me, and knew I’d be a happier person living in body that I was more comfortable with and could relate to easier.  But by June we had split and I was on my own pretty much through the surgery.  I had a buddy who came and stayed with me during my recovery for three days, but I found I was pretty capable and very mobile.

I started talking to a woman just before the surgery who I am still involved with now.  She never saw me in person until after my surgery was over, and she was aware I was having it done from the beginning of our talking.  Funny, I never asked her if it bothered her, because it doesn’t seem to make a difference  I know a lot of Femmes who date FtM’s or Butches who they would love to be able to help through top surgery just because they, of all people, know and understand in unique ways what we go through psychologically as masculine presenting people trying to live in female bodies.  I can’t imagine that my girl would have been anything less than supportive had she been in the picture back then.

The post op period could be one for ‘buyers regret’ for some people.  Not for you apparently.
How do we know? I’ll be getting rid of a whole lot of physical, social and attitudinal baggage when I do this
Also will there will be people in the LGBT community who will assume that because I’ve had top surgery, I’m transitioning? (JM)

No, I had no “buyers regret” only a the most joyful wake up in history of my life when I woke up in that post-op room!  And since then it’s just gotten better by the day throughout the healing process.  Now I am fully healed and just treating the scars to fade them as much as possible.  I suppose if you have any attachment to your breasts or breast sensation during sex that you might have a little buyers remorse.  But to me my chest is actually more sensitive to touch than before.  And I had the nipples done so that I would maintain full sensation – we’ll see how that turns out when I pierce one of them soon.

My previous article about Disappearing Butches discusses the initial issues I have had with some inside the LGBT world concerning my choice to have top surgery as a stone Butch lesbian. I knew there would be questions about me being Trans* and I was ready for that.  It didn’t change the fact that I wanted it done, doesn’t change the fact that it was the BEST thing I ever did for myself and that I’d do it again in a heartbeat if I had to.  I highly recommend top surgery for anyone who is chest dysphoric and who can get it covered by insurance.  Screw the nay-sayers.  Just because I wanted a flat, male profile chest doesn’t mean I am any less of a lesbian…and hell, it’s alot more comfortable for me to take my shirt off now even.  I’m sure as the scars fade I’ll become even less self-conscious about it and eventually it will just be completely normal feeling to me.  I know it’s already changed my attitude a whopping amount.

I hear the scoffers…”I like Butch breasts”…etc…but you have to be comfortable in your own body.  I love breasts, don’t get me wrong, I just don’t want my own.  And luckily I didn’t have to keep them!  🙂

Do you take Testosterone too?  Are you Transitioning?  (AP)

First, no I am not transitioning into anyone other than a little more authentic me.  The things I am doing are just minor adjustments to my masculine personality that make me more comfortable and enhance my life in my opinion.

Secondly, yes I do take a LOW DOSE testosterone. I have been for about 2 years now.  I do not take a transitioning dose.  The low dose is something that I discussed with my doctor to counteract the negative side-effects of being on a raft of other medications that would kill my sex drive – nothing is sadder or more unhappy than MainelyButch not wanting SEX daily – and would also lower my overall energy level.  The low dose Androgel 1% has done wonders for both sex drive and energy.  They will have to pry the script from my cold dead hand to take it away from me now!  It’s an easy application, I spread the gel on my stomach every morning after my morning shower…the only minor side-effect has been that I have a fuzzy belly now (which could be clipped pretty easily if I get around to it one of these days) and slightly more facial hair growth.  But remember, I am also 52, I have been through menopause (at 47) already so my body grows hair easily anyways.  And I don’t have to fight the estrogen much anymore because I am naturally producing far less of it than I would be prior to menopause.  I don’t mind any of it, I just run a razor over my face every couple of days.  I’m a bit crazy about my facial / head hair; you all know I’m a vain SOB and I go to the barber every 2 weeks for an edge out, and my eyebrows have to be done monthly, so shaving is just a given now…but the T does cause more hair growth, it’s just a fact, and one I will gladly live with.  At least I am not going bald!  Ha!

If anyone has any other questions that I haven’t answered here, or comments feel free to leave them below in the comment section or email me at mainelybutch@yahoo.com

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Pearls

“Pearls” an excellent little piece written by Wet Bliss…love it.

Wet Bliss

image
Radiating with need
Skin covered in sheen
With sight deprived
Senses come alive

Listening intently
Breathing in gently
A new kind of bareness
Heightened awareness

Kisses along the neck
Trailing little pecks
Teasing swollen mounds
Eliciting sounds

Eased back into place
Nestled in the space
Secure within your hold
Parts the quivering folds

The sound of my cries
Echo as I ride the tides
Revealing my pearl
Cause I’m your good girl

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Conversations and Blogs…Feeling Great!

ROAR…I woke up this morning like a tiger; in a great mood and ready to pounce.  Of course, no pouncing for me, I’m alone this morning – which is just as well because there’s only one woman I wish to be pouncing upon! 🙂  And she is not in the country currently.  Thus I will store up the energy for when I do see her smiling face!

Yes, I am wound up.  Not sure why.  I wasn’t well yesterday, but today I feel like a million bucks.  I love it when I wake up in this kind of mood, it means my day will be far more productive and busy – which I like.  Not being busy gives me far too much time to think and keeps me in my head too much, which is never a good thing for me.  Part of the reason I am anxious to return to work is to fill some of the day’s hours with people and busy work.  Work to me is partially about socialization.  I would never do a job where I didn’t have to deal with people on some level, it would be far to boring!

I spent a couple of hours this morning already interacting with other bloggers; a sort of morning collaboration of the minds over coffee and keyboards.  It’s great to see new bloggers trying their hand, like TheInvisibleFemme who just came on board with WordPress.  (Readers, remember to check out her intro blog and let’s give her some encouragement and follow her!)  I am always interested in new points of view, or views from other like people in different parts of the world.  Annabelle (Theinvisiblefemme) happens to be in Sydney Australia where it’s a little different from LGBT life here in the USA.  So it will be interesting to me to hear how she walks the world of the Femme there in her country, and to see how it’s different from here.  Then of course I am also always interested in knowing more about my Femme counterparts!  Hey, a good Butch is always trying to know more, understand more and see more, right?!  Stop learning and you might as well be dead in my opinion.

I’ve found the blogs on WordPress.com to be exponentially helpful in understanding many different kinds of people, places and ways of walking this tightrope we call life.  I have several favorite bloggers which I will link out at the end of this post.  And I have found encouragement for my own work, good critique and much positive feedback and of course, with a few haters sprinkled in for good measure.  Hey, not everyone will agree with my opinions, and that’s fine.  I like to be the type who can agree to disagree politely.

My own blogs tend to be all over the place in topics sometimes, but primarily I speak about my own personal perspectives on life as a Stone Butch and things related to Butch-Femme dynamics/lifestyle.  I live the life 24/7 myself, so it’s of interest to me to know how others fit the dynamic in to their lives, or if they too just live the lifestyle.  I evolved to living as an out and proud stone Butch, I wasn’t always this way because of other life issues and spaces that I inhabited previously.  For example with my ex we didn’t subscribe to the labels or identifiers much.  Of course we also lived as a lesbian couple in a very hetero world.  We didn’t have very many other lesbian friends, and the few we did have lived like we did – just happily in a mostly hetero world where we all surrounded ourselves with positive, supportive straight allies.  Neither we nor our friends were into the bar scenes (those went out in the early 90’s for all of us I believe, it’s an age thing).  So we lived, worked and played with our straight families and friends 99% of the time.  Per chance did we find ourselves around a group of our gay friends -most of whom lived in Boston or California – it was a unique experience and either meant someone was getting married or having a baby. (Lesbians and babies…I developed a severe aversion to the pairing after some overload exposure years ago.)  So we were either attending a reception or a shower.

It’s been a topic of conversation lately the “where is the community” question and some of my Butch friends have expressed some envy over the good times that my friend L and I have been having as two Butches bonding over Butch stuff.  So I was thinking about this, and yeah it’s not a norm for rural Maine, and not really a norm for other places or so I am told.  I’ve heard of Butches sort of not wanting to hang out together – which I don’t get at all.  Or Butches that want to “mark their territory” and be the only Butch around, surrounding themselves with Femmes and other non-identifying type lesbians.  (Never sure what to call them.)  One young Butch wrote to me and asked how she would go about finding other Butch lesbians to hang out with and talk with – hell that’s all we really want to do with each other is chill and talk – and I was pretty much at a loss as to tell her what she could do.  I don’t “seek” out specific types of people to be friends and hang out with.  I am very open to friendly exchanges with about anyone as long as they are good people and accept me for who I am.  That’s all anyone needs, to be accepted where they are, as what they are.  Thus, most of my personal friends around here are straight, although this summer I have had the luck of finding a small group of LGBT buddies in the area as well, which has been super nice and made things way more fun for me.

I don’t think that I would choose to move to some place that was “known” for it’s LGBT population.  It seems like a dumb reason to move for one, and I bet it would be a drama scene and a half.  When I have been in those spaces (i.e. No. Hampton, MA or P-town) I notice tons of bravado and hyper-gay stuff.  I notice the cliques that think they are better than the next clique, and the uppity snobs that drive me nuts.  I can take P-Town for about 1 night, then I want to be back in my quiet, low key world.  North Hampton has always been interesting and I spent a good amount of time there with my ex-wife who is a Smith College alumni, but even NoHo is changing and LGBT people are blending in with the crowds now.  Isn’t that the way we want it to be actually?  We ask for equality, part of that is just being a citizen of a town and not making our sexuality the main focus of who we are as people, but just being accepted as people period – – hell, my sexuality is only a small fragment of who I am in reality, so I know I don’t want it to be the main thing that I am remembered for in the end.

So in answer to my young Butch friend’s question about how you build community…it’s one person at a time.  And the community you build for yourself should be supportive of you as an individual, and you of them as individuals.  Maybe they won’t all be LGBT, but they all bring things to the party; unique perspectives, styles, and strengths.  If you’re looking for more LGBT input and you live in a rural area you may have to use the internet to locate some like minded people, start by meeting one or two and soon the circle will grow as each brings in a friend or two.  Pretty soon you can have that party, find those friends and even encounter some weirdos probably.  It’s all trial and error.  As I have gotten older I know that one’s sexuality is far less important to me than who they are as a whole person.  I’d rather have 8 cool straight buddies than one screwed up lesbian friend!

Well seeing as how I feel so damned great today I think I’ll go get my hair edged, not cut at all just cleaned up around the sides, front and back…it always makes me feel super good – hell sexy even! Hey got to stay looking half-way good, never know when Brittany Spears may show up at my door….heh…only kidding folks!  I’m thinking of letting my hair grow out a couple of inches for winter.  Keep my head a bit warmer and also just for a little change.  I can always have it clipped back down if it begins to drive me too crazy in length.

Also I picked up a couple of Tristan Taormino’s books at B&N the other night, so I am into reading them right now.  Probably shouldn’t since I am alone so much….even reading about sex winds me up like an 8 day clock.  But I am thinking today that lounging on the grass at the park with Nola and a cold soda and my book would be a great way to spend part of my afternoon.  Ah!  A friend of mine wrote and told me about how I inspired her to read out loud with some friends of hers, because I like to read out loud and personally think it can be a super cool activity.  I once read entire “The Grapes of Wrath” out loud while traveling on the OLD Route 66 from Oklahoma to Needles, CA…that was the coolest trip. (No I wasn’t the driver! lol)

Books:  The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino

When She Was Good  edited by Tristan Taormino

Three other good bloggers here on WordPress.com

ButchCountry67  Perhaps my favorite read.

YearoftheDyke

LetsBeHonest

Hyper Awareness of Gender Identity

I had a pretty packed day today.  Once I overcame my Monday blahs and it became Tuesday I found my energy once more and definitely used it up today.  It was an interesting day, and I’ve been pondering some of it’s points tonight, and realized that since my top surgery I’ve been almost hyper-aware of how I am  seen and gendered by various people.  Even those close to me…no especially those close to me.

It’s interesting as all get out, to simply want to be seen and treated as a fairly normal human being, yet locked in a world of gender bias, gender bashing and binary compliance.  But I suppose that we are ALL locked in this same world at some basic level.  When we meet someone for the first time we create a “defining image” in our minds of who that person is.  But first impressions rarely give the complete picture, so if you meet someone who leaves you less than inspired you might want give them a second chance to show and tell you who they really are, or you could be missing out on what could be a good person to know.

So with this hyper-vigilance about the way I am now seen.  I made note today to pay attention and really see what it is that I do and don’t do that leads people to one end of the binary or the other.  From my former written pieces you may know that I do not really like the binary much.  This sort of unwritten law that you are either one or the other, male or female, does not sit well with me.  I see gender as a spectrum; a range of being from one end to the other.   Some people definitively know that they are female/girls/women and some know that they are male/boys/men.  Then there are people like me out here who fall somewhere in the shady gray area in between those definitive marks.  I have said that Butch is my noun; my gender.  It may be difficult to understand if you are on another planet, but I think it’s pretty simple if you don’t try to read a bunch of other stuff into it.  I don’t fully identify with my female body, nor do have many feminine characteristics.  (And I fully understand the biological difference let me assure you.)  Yet, I also do not identify as male.  If we draw a line from one to the other and give it 10 hash marks equally spaced apart and numbered 1 to 10, with 1 being female and 10 being male, I would fall somewhere around the number 8 hash mark, in my opinion.  And I know myself pretty damned good!

I realize that even before I decided to do the chest reconstruction that I was just as Butch as I am now, just with a couple of extra pounds of unwanted flesh.  I have not changed, but my body has been changed of my own accord.  I made the decision that I would be more comfortable living out the rest of my life with the flat chest that I wanted rather than continuing to deal with body dysphoria and all that that entailed.  I think that it was maybe the best decision that I ever made for myself.  Now I can wear my shirts and they fit right, I’m not as self-conscious as I was and I’ve not got the shyness about my chest that I used to have.  Hell, that’s enough all in itself to make me not even question for a minute if I did the right thing!  I definitely did.

Now the way others see me or treat me has changed a little and I am definitely aware of that.  There are friends and acquaintances who have questioned me directly about my choice, generally with the question “so are you transitioning?”  Meaning do I plan to go further and become male or transgender.   The answer is no.  I have no complaints about the rest of my body or my life as it is.  I enjoy being a Stone Butch lesbian – very much!  I would not want to change my sexual orientation even if I could!  Some people say they wish they could be straight, well this lesbian does NOT ever wish that!  And I won’t be transitioning or moving toward becoming any more masculine than I already AM.  I haven’t changed.  My core remains the same; rock solid and maybe with a tad more firm edges now.   My mind hasn’t changed about who I am, and I am very happy with things the way they are now.  Plus, I have always been attracted to lesbian women, and I always will be.  I find no attraction to straight women or bisexual women. Sure I might think one is pretty, but there’s no attraction for me there unless she is pretty, lesbian, and Femme.

Today I had a doctor’s appointment and the clinicians first question to me was “…so are you doing any more surgeries or anything else towards transitioning?”   She automatically thought that because I had gone through with the top surgery that I was going to be transitioning to male.  Ensuing was a five minute conversation, which I had had before with that same clinician explaining that no I wasn’t and this was done completely because I wanted to be more comfortable and less bothered with my breasts/chest.  So that started my day of observation.

I stopped at the store on the way back to my place to meet my mother, and the clerk immediately pegged me for male and I got the “sir” treatment.  I always secretly smile to myself inside when this happens, it’s just somehow comical to me, but I am not exactly sure why.  Some days I like it and some days it’s just whatever it is.  I really don’t care unless they call me “m’am”  I do NOT like that term.  My issues with Sir and M’am go back to my time in the military, coupled with the fact that I was raised in the North and not in the South where those terms are used from the time a child can talk.  I personally find many more southerners using Sir and M’am than I do northerners.

I just want the freedom and the safety with people I care about to just be me.  Sometimes my defining image can come off as much rougher and tougher than I really am.  That pisses me off because it’s painful to be misunderstood and/or judged before I even open my mouth to speak.  I’ve tried to “clean up” my image over the last few years.  I’m a good person, with a good heart and all I want is for that to be seen more.  Everyone has a full life outside of their interaction with you, and when you jump to judge someone too quickly you miss  giving people the room to be who they are, where they are  – which allows you yourself to do that very same thing, because the other person is also creating a defining image of you at the same time.

Later in the day I caught myself in the car talking to my dog.  My mother was sitting in the passenger side and we were driving through town.  I was playfully reaching back to the back seat and petting the dog and I found myself saying “Nola loves her Daddi”  Ah shit.  I cringed – visibly I am sure.  I got quiet…which is what I do when I can’t talk my way out of something.  I know she heard me loud and clear, and I know there are questions in her mind about why I had the surgery, and if I AM transitioning.  I am sure she’s wondering, but I do NOT wish to have that conversation with my mother.  She is the most beloved person in my family to me.  I never want to cause her any more hurt or pain on my account ever again.  But I just don’t want to have a conversation where I would be doing most of the talking and trying to explain a very complicated self to her.  She’s my mom…I don’t know if that makes any sense.

I am careful not to use any male/boi pronouns or words in referring to myself around her.   I’m sure some of that is just pure shame.  I’ve always carried the shame of not being who my parents wanted me to be; of not being the daughter they had hoped to raise.  Even as a child I was well aware of this.  I never looked the part, acted the part or accepted the part at all.  I knew from a very young age that I was different from the rest of the people around me, and I knew I was not supposed to be different somehow.  So it turned into shame somewhere along the way, and it’s not been easy to rid myself of it.  Don’t know if I ever will feel 100% comfortable with my family or not.  I love them dearly, don’t get me wrong, but I know that they have some different ideas of who I am.  As long as they know that my heart is in the right place with them, then I am all good with it just as it is now.

I don’t generally care about what pronouns are comfortable for people to use with me, I actually think it is quite interesting to let people find their own comfort zone with pronouns and me.  If someone wants to call me she that’s fine, I am a she.  If someone wants to call me “dude” I’m cool with that too…I’ve been raised by a bunch of “dudes” and I love them all, so the term has a hint of affection for me.   The pronoun thing is the most confusing I think.  I thought at one time about using the gender-neutral pronouns, but then I think they sound so forced and kind of weird in my opinion, so I nixed that idea right off.  I realize the world needs pronouns though, so that being the case I think I will stick with the female pronouns for the most part.  The she/her/herself.  Just so that I don’t confuse anyone any further by allowing them to use male pronouns.  Words are funny.  Words can cut deeper than any weapon, and they can even do damage when they are lacking.  Guess it’s time for me to just start correcting people, since I haven’t been doing that yet.

Words I am okay with :  Butch, boi, she, her, dude

Words I am not okay with :  lady, girl, pumpkin…don’t I hate it in the FB groups I am in when someone enters and says “hellooo ladies…”  it makes me want to bitch slap them right there on the spot.  Most of the groups do have a rule about this because many Butches dislike being called lady/ladies.  Myself, I always use the word “folks” when addressing a multi-gendered audience.  What is so hard about finding a neutrally gendered word?  Maybe it’s just easier for me because I am so focused on words and what people say or don’t say sometimes.  I’ve learned that there is much said even in silence. And then there is inflection…much can be said by simply changing the way something is said as well.   Like the guy as Spencers tonight, he emphasized the “M’am” when I approached the counter to pay for my belt that took me hours to find.  I heard him, and I made eye contact to let him know that he was wrong.  He quickly looked away and made change for my twenty.  Prick.

Well, that is some of the scattered thoughts and feelings that distracted me during my day today.  Like I said, I was definitely hyper-aware of this today, and thought that I needed to get these thoughts down in a blog for future reference.

Rock on.  ~MB

Medicate me baby

It’s getting colder in the mornings here in Maine…almost time to break out the Chippewa insulated boots and flannel lined jeans!  I’m never going to win any awards for the way my Butch ass dresses, but I definitely try to keep it clean and presentable.  I was reading a fellow Butch’s blog and it was funny how similarly we seem to choose to dress.  My favorites at this time of year are my go-to flannel shirts – which I need more of right now – and on cooler days I’ll base that with a t-shirt and long-john shirt.  The last two days I have switched up to a black belt and my black HD motorcycle boots just for some change.  Generally I do my casual days in brown belts and Timberland work boots, but I just felt like a change.  And like my fellow blogger I just feel better about myself knowing I look half-way decent every day.

MaB talked about becoming more Butch.  It was a very enlightening blog, but it made me ask myself “could I BE any more Butch?”  and laugh at myself, because I am about as Butch as it gets.  And because I am on a daily low-dose of testosterone, I feel about as masculine as I want to be.  The testosterone, which keeps me sharp and hungry, has had nothing but positive effects on me.  It’s not a dose high enough to transition, but just enough to do what I wanted – which was increased energy and sex drive.  My anti-depressants were messing with both of those, and countering them with the T has been the perfect answer.

I get to these points in time when I think I am doing so damned good that I can stop my medications and still do well.  I know that’s some seriously flawed thinking. I’ve done it before with my HIV meds, and I have a super strong immune response so I stay very healthy even without the drugs. So why do I continue to take them?  Well, they don’t seem to mess with me at all side effect wise, and it’s become a habit now to reach for them at certain times of the day.  I have been wildly scolded by my specialist NOT to do the “holiday” thing anymore.  About 3 years ago now I got really super sick while my parents were away in Alaska, I about died that September and I don’t ever want to be that sick again.  Especially when there’s really no one around to help me out when I do get sick.  Mom has always been my saving grace in those moments of weakness, and of course I didn’t want to ruin their trip west with news that I was so ill, so I didn’t let on until they returned.  By that time I was so bad that I couldn’t move.  Thankfully someone stopped by and found me like that and took notice that I needed someone there.  It was hell.  So, after that I haven’t done the drug “holiday” thing again.  I’ve been really religious about taking my daily meds and not complaining about the pills that are keeping me healthy and alive.

As for the other medications, particularly the anti-d’s, I would love to get off of them.  Although the last time I tried that it turned out not to be such a good idea.  My issues with depression recurred and I was not a happy camper.  I wish I didn’t have to take pills to feel fucking normal, but I’m afraid to not take them at the same time.  My mood can go from great to really crappy in a couple of weeks, then I don’t want to see or hear from anyone, and I can be just plain un-caring and mean.  The anti-d’s keep me even keeled and generally easy going.  I am at the maximum dose for the one I am on right now, have been for over a year…I’m afraid that that means that I will have to change up to another drug soon…something that I do NOT want to do.  I chose the one I am on myself because of it’s efficacy and it’s lack of negative side-effects like stomping on one’s sex drive.  And there is no one grouchier than a Butch with a crappy sex drive.  I know that’s the case with me, hell if I don’t want sex 24 hours a day I feel like I am ‘off’ in some weird way.  So, as long as the current meds continue to work I am going to stay on them.  Fuck it if anyone sees that as weakness, which I used to worry about a lot more than I do now.  Living in my head isn’t easy, so if a couple of little pills every day helps me cope a bit better then so be it.

I have my monthly appointment with pain care today…ok, so shoot me, I have a minor pain pill habit.  I’ve been on narcotic pain medications for so long now that I am afraid if they take me off of them I’ll kibby and die.  Plus I have been on them so long that I don’t get ‘high’ from them, they just mask the pain from the blown disks in my back – which is a good thing!  If I go off of them it could be dangerous.  I’m afraid of seizures.  I’m afraid of muscle tremors, night sweats and gut wrenching withdrawals too.  I’ve been through all of that before (although with illicit drugs before) and survived it, but I am afraid that this time I’ve just been on them too long.  It’s going to hurt and hurt very badly when they do take me down on them.  Thankfully there are other countering drugs like Suboxone that will help me from being too sick when they do drop my doses.  You know I’ll be asking for that shit!

It’s kind of ironic.  At one point in my life, over 25 years ago now, but for a few solid years, I was very much a bad drug addict.  I loved my cocaine and then discovered heroin because it countered the drop from the coke.  It didn’t take me long to develop a very bad heroin habit.  I battled that habit for a few short years, putting myself in some seriously dangerous situations in the meanwhile.  It all seems so far away now, like it happened in another lifetime or something weird like that.  Who I was then and who I am now are two totally different people.  It’s even hard for me to remember those days without wanting to crawl out of my skin.  I almost wish it had never been part of my life, but then each of those experiences have led me to be the person I am today.  Without knowing what that sort of bad-ass life was all about, without knowing the darker side of myself, would I be who I am today?  I think not.

I had many brushes with death, and I saw / experienced a lot of violence and ill mannered people.  I learned, I watched, and I got a street-cred diploma.  I hung with some bad dudes, and they taught me not only the trade, but a way of being – part of which I still carry in me.  Not all of it was bad, the ways I learned from my biker friends of that time have some very strong and timeless messages in them.  I learned respect.  I learned compliance and self-control.  I learned charity and humility.  (I know that’s a hard one, but we were forced to hand over part of our weekly takes to the nuns at the local convent out of respect.)  And I learned that it’s really hard, if not impossible, to ever be completely clean.  I no longer mess with any street drugs.  No more coke.  No more dope.  And nowadays I am kind of a hard-ass about it, I won’t even tolerate it in my friends’ behaviors…it’s just not something that I want or need in my life anymore.  I hate it.  I’m ok with the 420 crowd, hell even I still smoke a bit here and there, but other than that I can’t have that shit in my life now.  So, it’s ironic that I am okay with the prescription narcos…yes, very ironic.

Thus, off to the pain clinic I go now.  Such is life.

 

Just a Monday

I have no idea what to blog about.  I’ve been doing more reading than anything lately.  There are other bloggers that I associate with who write and have been doing some really great stuff lately.  I almost wish we could pull a bunch of the pieces together in one place and do a collaborative Butch-Femme blog.  If anyone is interested in that type of endeavor please email me and let me know and I’ll see what I can come up with for a site design.

So I’ll start with the fact that I fucking hate Mondays.  Just not my favorite day of the week.  And this one has me questioning everything I am doing right now.  I seems sure of things, then I start to doubt my thinking.  So I need to refocus some energy, and take a slightly different road, and change my thinking just a bit.  It’s all good though, all good.

I had a dream last night that my mother watched ALL of my videos…this has to be some Karmic reminder that I have to do some YT cleaning.  So many of those videos are outdated, old and irrelevant.  Anyway, it was a nightmare.

My surgery was 5 weeks ago today, I’m finally all healed up and pretty much back to my normal energy level and activities.  I am pleased with the results and feel it was the best thing I’ve done for myself yet.  It’s almost strange not to have the dysphoria anymore, and to be physically and mentally comfortable with my chest for a change. I have a little bit of bruising still, but it’s going down more and more by the day.  And like my friend Carson told me would be the case, the feel of my nice cotton t-shirts directly against my skin is heavenly.

I’m still considering the piercing…my brother and I were going to go together to both get done…but I think I am going to wait a while longer as the memory of the initial pain here is still vivid in my mind right now.  Not that I am afraid of pain, quite the opposite; I’m just trying to get used to the idea of someone jamming an 8 ga. needle through my nipple…once I can settle my mind on the idea then taking the pain will come to me naturally after that.  🙂 Someone out there knows exactly what I am saying.

Just thinking about that makes me remember that I have tattoo work that needs to be done over the winter this year.  Winter is always best because it’s not as hot and the sun doesn’t fade the tats.  Plus while you are sweating out the needle you’ll be happy to exit into the cooler weather.  I love getting tats, and I kind of get high on the pain…anyone who has a bunch of them knows the feeling that I am talking about, it’s just this sort of mental submission and a giving over to the pain until it doesn’t hurt anymore and becomes pleasant actually.  (Wow, now that’s hard to explain!)  I am having a couple of older ones covered with newer tattoos and I am adding one for good measure.  Anyway…I need to start looking to get some chair time scheduled over the coming months.

That’s all I got for today folks….and I had to make myself write.  I’m one who if I stop writing I will stay stopped for months…which is not good for me, or my future plans.  I need to go back to the prompts and do a bunch of those for a while, get the gears lubed back up and cranking right upstairs!  Peace out.  ~ MB