Day 1 – Ten things I want to say to different people right now…

Greetings readers.  Here’s Day 1 of the Ten days of prompts I posted this morning.  I wrote this quickly, but I could expound on everyone of them probably to the tune of a page each, but for the sake of brevity I have kept from doing that.  Now that I have the 10 primary people in my life addressed below, I can think of a dozen others to add to this list.  

Day 1Ten things I want to say to different people right now….

1.  Sister…like me you are strong willed and Dominant, these are qualities that were ingrained in us from childhood.  We two have always been the strong one, the rebels, the black sheep and yet also the caregivers.  I have to tell you that you have incredible care for those around you, but you too often forget self-care is vital to our continuing to be able to love those in our lives.  Don’t ever let anyone put you down, you rock and you know it.  Stand up and be heard always.  Be strong but be gentle, be a good and reasonable leader and know your responsibility.  And remember he worships you…take care of him.  I love you kiddo.

2.  Baby Bro….I love you to death, but sometimes I want to throttle the shit out of you.  You somehow forgot somethings along the way.  You forgot that blood is thickest at it’s source.  The family looks to you and your good example.  So don’t hold it up like a trophy, but be humble and encourage them to reach as high as they can for their own good and goals.  Also, money doesn’t buy happiness.  It may buy vacations to Aruba, but unless it’s given where most needed and not thrown around like confetti it’s fairly useless, and looks really petty on you….but I still love the hell out of you!!! 

3.  BP…Got one major thing to say to you. Get out while you still can.  Nothing and no one on this planet is worth what you have gone through these last few years.  She’s not on your side, she’s not by your side, she’s the enemy.  We can see it, why can’t you?  No one deserves 10 and 12th chances to “make good” on their inflated deceitful words.  Don’t give her another one, and save yourself and your sanity while you can.  There’s another awesome woman out there for you…just be patient and be kind.  No, not all women are alike.  I love you and worry about you constantly.

4.  DD….Forgiveness is golden. I know it was hard, but Thank You from all of us, we love you and hated seeing family split over things.  I have to tell you that I admire the two of you.  You’ve put a good foundation down as a solid base over some really roughed up gravel in your lives, both of you.  I hope you will not forget that your children need to forge their own roads into the world, don’t hold them back from that!  Encourage them to get out and experience life and all it’s pitfalls and joys.  Love you both like crazy.

5.  D…. Negativity is unbecoming.  Money is not everything, and you can’t take it to the grave.  I have to tell you that your politics suck.  You can’t possibly believe the stuff that you say you believe and still be a part of this family.  Your own family is the best, you need to remember that and treat us that way.  Your words can be very encouraging or can burn holes in our hearts where your fatherly love is supposed to live.  I know we had a rough time always, I think it IS because we are so very alike as everyone says.  I just hope that my counter-balance of positive energy, kindness, and good feelings toward the world can help tip your scale toward being a more softened, kinder gentleman.  I do love you, but you are very hard to love.  

6.  Kids…You are all my little soldiers.  You can’t help it that you were each born into this crazy world; this slightly dysfunctional family which is full of love and adoration for you all.  Individually I could list all 7 of you and tell you why I love each and every one, but my list here will address you as a group.  I know you’ll each have to experience things in life to make you who you will become to the world.  Do one thing – keep helping to change the world for the better.  If you go through life keeping that thought in mind every day when you wake up then what you do will always matter, believe me.  Also, consider the mistakes that some of your relatives have made; their experiences are invaluable to you in growing up.  Learn from us, we’re not trying to stop you from anything, only trying to guide you away from pain.  And lastly, I love you each independently and immensely.  

7.  Former’s…I never intended to be a hard ass.  I never faltered from who I was with any of you.  You all knew I was a Dominant mother fucker and yes, my heart could be ice cold at times.  It’s part of my self-control; part of my pain…but I could also be very loving and kind hearted.  I loved each of you in your own unique ways, but I ever was only in love with 2 of you.  I treated you all good, kind and respectfully always, even when it was time for me to walk away.  I had to…to get where I am today which is right where I want to be.  I want to tell you that I wish you each only the very best in love and life.

8.  Friends….without your continuing support and love I would be nothing.  I can’t pick out my favorites here, but just know you are one of them.   The love and support I received in recovery, and in walking the thin lines I have walked; the pushes and shoves to get over the hurdles as they came up faster and faster…that’s where you made the difference.  Bear hugs to all.

9.  Mom….You have been the biggest motivator and inspiration in my life.  Without you I would most likely be a name on a gravestone somewhere.  I thank God for the days that you showed up unexpectedly to yank my ass home from my life of debauchery.  While I didn’t like it then, I grew to understand that you were the one person in my life who truly loves me unconditionally.  I’m sorry that I put you through all of the bad times that I did, I wish I could take it all back…but those things were part of our learning processes together.  You and I both learned valuable things, I hope I taught you that anyone can make mistakes and they can still become good people afterwards.  There were time when I wasn’t such a good person, that I was mean as a rattlesnake and deserved what I got.  but the night I came to you after having that gun shoved down my throat was my turning point.  It was a really really hard row to hoe, but I did it and I’m here today still.  Even though he got me with another weapon that I have to bear for the remainder of my days, he didn’t blow my brains out that night and I did the right thing in coming home to you for help.  The drive to Togus absolutely sucked for both of us, thanks for not letting me out anywhere along the way, I would have been lost to the world had you done so at that time.  I never told you this, but I cried for you after you left that night….I cried for all the wrongs that I had done to you.  I am so sorry.  Today, many years later, I am a far different version of me.  Sure, I have those experiences but they are each uniquely part of the person I have become – which is the person I think you raised to be good, kind, compassionate and considerate of the world.  I love you Mom and Thank you for being there when I needed a net!

10.  S….I have no idea where the Universe intends for us to be in life together.  I’m amazed and very pleased to have this turn of events that led to our meeting and connecting like we are doing.  Things like this only happen a couple of times in a lifetime I have found personally, so taking hold of it seems like a great idea.   These dynamics, they have to be built like structures – on foundations and from both sides meeting in the middle.  It’s hard work, and requires active participation from both sides.  I’m not sure if you are up to it with me, but I have take a chance and tell you that I am certainly most up to this challenge with you.  I look into your eyes and feel your kiss and I can think of nothing and no one else in this world.  Perhaps you think that goes against who I am, but actually it feels to me like it’s where I should definitely be right now.  With you.  Whatever that looks like.  

 

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10 Days of Writing Prompts

Day One: Ten things you want to say to different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about myself.
Day Three: Eight things you can do to win my heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you had never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

Email, Dating and Me.

A question / statement that comes up about me often is “You must get a million emails from women online” I want to address this a little bit. 

Sure, because of my online persona I do garner a fair share of “fan mail” of the email variety, and sometimes even cards and letters via snail mail.  I am always very flattered by them, I appreciate that people watch and read my rantings.  I do not, however, often answer all of the emails that I receive. And if I do it’s simply to say thank you and express gratitude for their readership.  So if you have sent me an email, again I appreciate it and if I didn’t reply it wasn’t out of snobbery at all, but often just out of protection for self.  

I said that I don’t always reply to them, not that I on occasion don’t reply and even sometimes strike up friendship with the writers.  I have met a couple of really good people via this route.  People who I remain connected to for either short times of exchanges about the writing or vlog, and others who I stay connected to in a friendly nature for extended time.  

I have met a couple of women online because of my Youtube channel and WordPress blogs that I have become attracted to for one reason or another.  Obviously, immediate attraction comes generally from finding a woman physically appealing.  Here is where I go into some of the “unwritten rules” of being Butch.  I’m actually very shy with women.  I generally cannot get a word out of my mouth in person upon meeting someone I would potentially be attracted to.

With the internet and my very slightest amount of anonymity I am overly cautious as to who I connect myself with these days.  I have had some rather negative experiences, I will not call them mistakes because at the time I wanted to be exactly where I was at – but they were pretty much dead-end short term deals.  And while they were fun at the time, they were not what I want longer term and I always knew that going into them. 

I am very particular.  I know it.  It’s just one of my faults I guess.  I am generally attracted to a very particular type of femme woman.  Not only in looks, but in character as well.  Although, now I am beginning to think my looks type preference is now a busted myth.  I like a woman with tenacity, substance and things going on upstairs in the intelligence department.    She needs to be fiercely passionate about life and about me to hold my interest.  I don’t mind a challenge or two, but I am not into a major drama scene – hers or mine.  Generally I like life very relaxed, peaceful and quiet.  No, that’s not who I have always been…there have been times when I have been (hell, still am) a bad boi.  

I can get myself into some adrenaline fueled things quite easily.  I lean sometimes toward the wrong side of the lines of law and am elated by the smell of good exhaust fumes.  Fast cars, fast cash, fast women have been part of my history.  I have made a concerted effort to quell a bit of the rebellious side of myself in the last few years.  I just decided that I was getting too old to sport the black leather of my 20’s and 40’s  And the jump to the more settled down and calmer life of my 30’s…well, let’s just remember we do choose our surroundings!  Love put me there and love got me out.  I’ve been accused of being a runner.  I generally run from anything that remotely resembles love or a relationship.  I admit it. I get myself too close to love and I pull back very quickly.  Why?  I think it just goes back to self-preservation.  I’ve had that heartache once in my life, and even then I did it to myself….I’m not sure I could go through it again without self-destructing.  

All this being said, I have met someone that I could fall in love with.  The Unwritten Rules say that she shall remain anonymous to you dear readers.  Let me just say she does take my breath away in some mighty fine ways.  Why do I say could?  Because it’s all very complicated in my view.  What if I let myself fall and she decides some other Butch is better suited for her?  She tells me she has other “suitors” and that makes me hesitant because I’m not here to compete with anyone.  I generally set my eyes on something I like and I go after it.  I’m not into dividing my attention in various directions very much….which makes me completely suck at poly life.  Sure, I can divide it if I don’t allow feelings to come into play, if I can keep the women I date at a distance emotionally then I don’t have a problem.  This has been the case the last few years, and then the women I was involved with didn’t care for me seeing others so it never worked out.    

She said, and I never thought about this before, that dating doesn’t really exist on the same plane in the LGBT world as in the straight world.  There’s definitely some truth to that statement.  The LGBT world is just much smaller, and we all seek out our spots and our comfort zones in it.  The dating pool is smaller, and unless we are in our 20’s and on or near college campuses or in big cities, we don’t think about dating as much as about finding a good match for ourselves; someone we can share time and intimacy with in a safer environment.  

Plus as we get older our lives become more complicated.  We surround ourselves with people we trust with our hearts; family and close friends.  Letting someone into the tightly woven circles of trust that we weave is a monumental thing for some of us – hell most of us!  It’s not like there is a big LGBT population centered anywhere near me…and I don’t really notice it much as I am too embroiled into everyday life and the struggles of surviving my 50’s to notice that I might be the only LGBT person on the block.  It doesn’t bother me, I don’t “long” for a community at all.  I grew up fighting my way out of the closet, luckily I found the door in my late teens, some don’t find it until later in life and then the only thing they have to akin it to is straight life.  And we all know that’s no comparison!  

If I want LGBT community I go to my online friends and support networks, I call my LGBT buddies on the phone, or on Skype, or we talk online in chats.  But I can see her point, we don’t really “date” in our community like we did pre-HIV days in the late 70’s and early 80’s. (Austin I hear you! :D)  Dating now for me is more like weeding out the chafe and letting the wheat fall cleanly; then dividing the wheat into more manageable piles.  Once I am interested in someone I try to see how interested they may be in getting to know me…in today’s world that happens to be via the internet mostly.  

So recently one of these sort of emails came my way…and I got intrigued.  Why?  Firstly, because the woman was from my area, secondly after I saw a photo of her I just had to know more about her.  I found her incredibly beautiful to look at, I just had to know more about her. And as it turned out she is single and femme, and incredibly smart (I find intelligence super sexy) and put together.  We spent a couple of weeks getting to know more of one another via email, messaging and Skype, then I finally convinced her I didn’t bite too hard and she came down to see me this past weekend.  I had no idea she’d be twice as gorgeous in person, and would rock my world for the better.  I can’t even put into words how she made me feel.  

Having just had my top surgery last Monday I was a little sore, but let me tell you what adrenaline can do to you physically in regards to pain!  I felt very little.  Our time together was awesome.  She made me feel like a million bucks, and her kisses were just so fierce and demanding, yet sweet to mine.  I could really get used to that kiss…who knows where this will go, but I’m damned sure willing to stick around and find out.  We may not be able to see one another in person as much as we might like, but right now that’s okay with me.  I have a lot going on at this time of year.  September is only days away, it’s my 2nd favorite month next to October and I am usually very busy in September – coincidentally so is she.  The universe is now in charge…and it’s brought me so many good things lately that I have to trust that things will work out as they are meant to, and as my positive energy allows.  I can’t wait to see her again though.  Damn.    ~MB

 

 

 

 

Yeah, It’s Like That…

“…will you blog about me?” she asked…

“…no…yes…maybe…” I replied.

I have had a phenomenally good week.   She just made it even better for me.  Her kiss is ferocious, deep and wanting.  I don’t think I could ever get enough of that; of time, like this weekend with her.  Yeah, it’s like that…