A question / statement that comes up about me often is “You must get a million emails from women online” I want to address this a little bit.
Sure, because of my online persona I do garner a fair share of “fan mail” of the email variety, and sometimes even cards and letters via snail mail. I am always very flattered by them, I appreciate that people watch and read my rantings. I do not, however, often answer all of the emails that I receive. And if I do it’s simply to say thank you and express gratitude for their readership. So if you have sent me an email, again I appreciate it and if I didn’t reply it wasn’t out of snobbery at all, but often just out of protection for self.
I said that I don’t always reply to them, not that I on occasion don’t reply and even sometimes strike up friendship with the writers. I have met a couple of really good people via this route. People who I remain connected to for either short times of exchanges about the writing or vlog, and others who I stay connected to in a friendly nature for extended time.
I have met a couple of women online because of my Youtube channel and WordPress blogs that I have become attracted to for one reason or another. Obviously, immediate attraction comes generally from finding a woman physically appealing. Here is where I go into some of the “unwritten rules” of being Butch. I’m actually very shy with women. I generally cannot get a word out of my mouth in person upon meeting someone I would potentially be attracted to.
With the internet and my very slightest amount of anonymity I am overly cautious as to who I connect myself with these days. I have had some rather negative experiences, I will not call them mistakes because at the time I wanted to be exactly where I was at – but they were pretty much dead-end short term deals. And while they were fun at the time, they were not what I want longer term and I always knew that going into them.
I am very particular. I know it. It’s just one of my faults I guess. I am generally attracted to a very particular type of femme woman. Not only in looks, but in character as well. Although, now I am beginning to think my looks type preference is now a busted myth. I like a woman with tenacity, substance and things going on upstairs in the intelligence department. She needs to be fiercely passionate about life and about me to hold my interest. I don’t mind a challenge or two, but I am not into a major drama scene – hers or mine. Generally I like life very relaxed, peaceful and quiet. No, that’s not who I have always been…there have been times when I have been (hell, still am) a bad boi.
I can get myself into some adrenaline fueled things quite easily. I lean sometimes toward the wrong side of the lines of law and am elated by the smell of good exhaust fumes. Fast cars, fast cash, fast women have been part of my history. I have made a concerted effort to quell a bit of the rebellious side of myself in the last few years. I just decided that I was getting too old to sport the black leather of my 20’s and 40’s And the jump to the more settled down and calmer life of my 30’s…well, let’s just remember we do choose our surroundings! Love put me there and love got me out. I’ve been accused of being a runner. I generally run from anything that remotely resembles love or a relationship. I admit it. I get myself too close to love and I pull back very quickly. Why? I think it just goes back to self-preservation. I’ve had that heartache once in my life, and even then I did it to myself….I’m not sure I could go through it again without self-destructing.
All this being said, I have met someone that I could fall in love with. The Unwritten Rules say that she shall remain anonymous to you dear readers. Let me just say she does take my breath away in some mighty fine ways. Why do I say could? Because it’s all very complicated in my view. What if I let myself fall and she decides some other Butch is better suited for her? She tells me she has other “suitors” and that makes me hesitant because I’m not here to compete with anyone. I generally set my eyes on something I like and I go after it. I’m not into dividing my attention in various directions very much….which makes me completely suck at poly life. Sure, I can divide it if I don’t allow feelings to come into play, if I can keep the women I date at a distance emotionally then I don’t have a problem. This has been the case the last few years, and then the women I was involved with didn’t care for me seeing others so it never worked out.
She said, and I never thought about this before, that dating doesn’t really exist on the same plane in the LGBT world as in the straight world. There’s definitely some truth to that statement. The LGBT world is just much smaller, and we all seek out our spots and our comfort zones in it. The dating pool is smaller, and unless we are in our 20’s and on or near college campuses or in big cities, we don’t think about dating as much as about finding a good match for ourselves; someone we can share time and intimacy with in a safer environment.
Plus as we get older our lives become more complicated. We surround ourselves with people we trust with our hearts; family and close friends. Letting someone into the tightly woven circles of trust that we weave is a monumental thing for some of us – hell most of us! It’s not like there is a big LGBT population centered anywhere near me…and I don’t really notice it much as I am too embroiled into everyday life and the struggles of surviving my 50’s to notice that I might be the only LGBT person on the block. It doesn’t bother me, I don’t “long” for a community at all. I grew up fighting my way out of the closet, luckily I found the door in my late teens, some don’t find it until later in life and then the only thing they have to akin it to is straight life. And we all know that’s no comparison!
If I want LGBT community I go to my online friends and support networks, I call my LGBT buddies on the phone, or on Skype, or we talk online in chats. But I can see her point, we don’t really “date” in our community like we did pre-HIV days in the late 70’s and early 80’s. (Austin I hear you! :D) Dating now for me is more like weeding out the chafe and letting the wheat fall cleanly; then dividing the wheat into more manageable piles. Once I am interested in someone I try to see how interested they may be in getting to know me…in today’s world that happens to be via the internet mostly.
So recently one of these sort of emails came my way…and I got intrigued. Why? Firstly, because the woman was from my area, secondly after I saw a photo of her I just had to know more about her. I found her incredibly beautiful to look at, I just had to know more about her. And as it turned out she is single and femme, and incredibly smart (I find intelligence super sexy) and put together. We spent a couple of weeks getting to know more of one another via email, messaging and Skype, then I finally convinced her I didn’t bite too hard and she came down to see me this past weekend. I had no idea she’d be twice as gorgeous in person, and would rock my world for the better. I can’t even put into words how she made me feel.
Having just had my top surgery last Monday I was a little sore, but let me tell you what adrenaline can do to you physically in regards to pain! I felt very little. Our time together was awesome. She made me feel like a million bucks, and her kisses were just so fierce and demanding, yet sweet to mine. I could really get used to that kiss…who knows where this will go, but I’m damned sure willing to stick around and find out. We may not be able to see one another in person as much as we might like, but right now that’s okay with me. I have a lot going on at this time of year. September is only days away, it’s my 2nd favorite month next to October and I am usually very busy in September – coincidentally so is she. The universe is now in charge…and it’s brought me so many good things lately that I have to trust that things will work out as they are meant to, and as my positive energy allows. I can’t wait to see her again though. Damn. ~MB