Day 1 – Ten things I want to say to different people right now…

Greetings readers.  Here’s Day 1 of the Ten days of prompts I posted this morning.  I wrote this quickly, but I could expound on everyone of them probably to the tune of a page each, but for the sake of brevity I have kept from doing that.  Now that I have the 10 primary people in my life addressed below, I can think of a dozen others to add to this list.  

Day 1Ten things I want to say to different people right now….

1.  Sister…like me you are strong willed and Dominant, these are qualities that were ingrained in us from childhood.  We two have always been the strong one, the rebels, the black sheep and yet also the caregivers.  I have to tell you that you have incredible care for those around you, but you too often forget self-care is vital to our continuing to be able to love those in our lives.  Don’t ever let anyone put you down, you rock and you know it.  Stand up and be heard always.  Be strong but be gentle, be a good and reasonable leader and know your responsibility.  And remember he worships you…take care of him.  I love you kiddo.

2.  Baby Bro….I love you to death, but sometimes I want to throttle the shit out of you.  You somehow forgot somethings along the way.  You forgot that blood is thickest at it’s source.  The family looks to you and your good example.  So don’t hold it up like a trophy, but be humble and encourage them to reach as high as they can for their own good and goals.  Also, money doesn’t buy happiness.  It may buy vacations to Aruba, but unless it’s given where most needed and not thrown around like confetti it’s fairly useless, and looks really petty on you….but I still love the hell out of you!!! 

3.  BP…Got one major thing to say to you. Get out while you still can.  Nothing and no one on this planet is worth what you have gone through these last few years.  She’s not on your side, she’s not by your side, she’s the enemy.  We can see it, why can’t you?  No one deserves 10 and 12th chances to “make good” on their inflated deceitful words.  Don’t give her another one, and save yourself and your sanity while you can.  There’s another awesome woman out there for you…just be patient and be kind.  No, not all women are alike.  I love you and worry about you constantly.

4.  DD….Forgiveness is golden. I know it was hard, but Thank You from all of us, we love you and hated seeing family split over things.  I have to tell you that I admire the two of you.  You’ve put a good foundation down as a solid base over some really roughed up gravel in your lives, both of you.  I hope you will not forget that your children need to forge their own roads into the world, don’t hold them back from that!  Encourage them to get out and experience life and all it’s pitfalls and joys.  Love you both like crazy.

5.  D…. Negativity is unbecoming.  Money is not everything, and you can’t take it to the grave.  I have to tell you that your politics suck.  You can’t possibly believe the stuff that you say you believe and still be a part of this family.  Your own family is the best, you need to remember that and treat us that way.  Your words can be very encouraging or can burn holes in our hearts where your fatherly love is supposed to live.  I know we had a rough time always, I think it IS because we are so very alike as everyone says.  I just hope that my counter-balance of positive energy, kindness, and good feelings toward the world can help tip your scale toward being a more softened, kinder gentleman.  I do love you, but you are very hard to love.  

6.  Kids…You are all my little soldiers.  You can’t help it that you were each born into this crazy world; this slightly dysfunctional family which is full of love and adoration for you all.  Individually I could list all 7 of you and tell you why I love each and every one, but my list here will address you as a group.  I know you’ll each have to experience things in life to make you who you will become to the world.  Do one thing – keep helping to change the world for the better.  If you go through life keeping that thought in mind every day when you wake up then what you do will always matter, believe me.  Also, consider the mistakes that some of your relatives have made; their experiences are invaluable to you in growing up.  Learn from us, we’re not trying to stop you from anything, only trying to guide you away from pain.  And lastly, I love you each independently and immensely.  

7.  Former’s…I never intended to be a hard ass.  I never faltered from who I was with any of you.  You all knew I was a Dominant mother fucker and yes, my heart could be ice cold at times.  It’s part of my self-control; part of my pain…but I could also be very loving and kind hearted.  I loved each of you in your own unique ways, but I ever was only in love with 2 of you.  I treated you all good, kind and respectfully always, even when it was time for me to walk away.  I had to…to get where I am today which is right where I want to be.  I want to tell you that I wish you each only the very best in love and life.

8.  Friends….without your continuing support and love I would be nothing.  I can’t pick out my favorites here, but just know you are one of them.   The love and support I received in recovery, and in walking the thin lines I have walked; the pushes and shoves to get over the hurdles as they came up faster and faster…that’s where you made the difference.  Bear hugs to all.

9.  Mom….You have been the biggest motivator and inspiration in my life.  Without you I would most likely be a name on a gravestone somewhere.  I thank God for the days that you showed up unexpectedly to yank my ass home from my life of debauchery.  While I didn’t like it then, I grew to understand that you were the one person in my life who truly loves me unconditionally.  I’m sorry that I put you through all of the bad times that I did, I wish I could take it all back…but those things were part of our learning processes together.  You and I both learned valuable things, I hope I taught you that anyone can make mistakes and they can still become good people afterwards.  There were time when I wasn’t such a good person, that I was mean as a rattlesnake and deserved what I got.  but the night I came to you after having that gun shoved down my throat was my turning point.  It was a really really hard row to hoe, but I did it and I’m here today still.  Even though he got me with another weapon that I have to bear for the remainder of my days, he didn’t blow my brains out that night and I did the right thing in coming home to you for help.  The drive to Togus absolutely sucked for both of us, thanks for not letting me out anywhere along the way, I would have been lost to the world had you done so at that time.  I never told you this, but I cried for you after you left that night….I cried for all the wrongs that I had done to you.  I am so sorry.  Today, many years later, I am a far different version of me.  Sure, I have those experiences but they are each uniquely part of the person I have become – which is the person I think you raised to be good, kind, compassionate and considerate of the world.  I love you Mom and Thank you for being there when I needed a net!

10.  S….I have no idea where the Universe intends for us to be in life together.  I’m amazed and very pleased to have this turn of events that led to our meeting and connecting like we are doing.  Things like this only happen a couple of times in a lifetime I have found personally, so taking hold of it seems like a great idea.   These dynamics, they have to be built like structures – on foundations and from both sides meeting in the middle.  It’s hard work, and requires active participation from both sides.  I’m not sure if you are up to it with me, but I have take a chance and tell you that I am certainly most up to this challenge with you.  I look into your eyes and feel your kiss and I can think of nothing and no one else in this world.  Perhaps you think that goes against who I am, but actually it feels to me like it’s where I should definitely be right now.  With you.  Whatever that looks like.  


2 thoughts on “Day 1 – Ten things I want to say to different people right now…

  1. Wonderful thoughts and words that we could all benefit from saying to those we care about and those we don’t… 🙂 Hope your healing is getting better.


  2. Dear Lover,
    Am your lamb, your dog,
    They are favourite,
    Am sitting on your hug,
    You give me it for hours,
    You teach me, how you are happy,
    Bending my knee for your tendency,
    Because you teach me right,
    Am used to your pleasure,
    However, am free, but
    Can not leave you.

    Thus our souls are sticking,
    Then I am kneeling front of you,
    Am waiting for you,
    You find enough,
    You say: I believe you,
    We are going to paradise together.
    I feel and find you in my heart.
    Am waiting for tenderness.


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