Identity…and Cars.

INDENTITY CRISIS….

The world is continually changing, evolving and growing in the realm of LGBT discussions.  One thing that gets more attention now than ever before now is the evolving gender sort of ‘scale’. No longer is the binary our only guide to gender presentation.  In a world where gender non-conforming people are becoming more visible, this is a good thing.  

I have never identified with my birth gender completely.  Of course I had to accept it because changing it was never an option, or a known one until recent years for me.  Plus it just never occurred to me that one ‘could’ change genders, or that the thoughts in my head actually were different than those in the heads of other cis-gendered females.  As I get closer to having my chest surgery I am getting a little thoughtful of this thing we all call “gender” and my presentation to the world.  

Female born women, for the sake of using a term I find a bit weird – cis-gendered women – have a way of defining themselves in ways that just do not fit or include me.  Such as “as women we need to feel pretty.”  Not only do I not like feeling “pretty” but I prefer to feel handsome – in a very masculine way.  “Women like bright colors and sparkly things.”  Ok, so I like steel and iron, leather and blue jeans.  My favorite color in clothing is black.  My sparkly things are socket sets, wrenches, nuts and bolts.  I get more glee from a nice slick new buck knife with a pocket clip than most women get from a sparkly new set of acrylic nails!  While my own fingernails are clipped short and kept clean, I do love long nails on the women that I am attracted to.  I don’t mind being called ‘Sir’, and it happens all the time.  If anyone is bothered it might be whoever is with me at the time, or the person who calls me “Sir” and then realizes I may not BE eligible for the title.  I generally smile lightly at them, nod and make eye contact, letting them know that it’s fine, I am not bothered.  I shrug it off, secretly enjoy it, and don’t let it bother me at all. 

As I grow older I’ve become much more comfortable in my masculine female appearance.  I get it that I don’t look like any typical female bodied woman, my crew cut is crisp and my boots are clunky and heavy.  I don’t walk delicately, and if my foot is bothering me I might even have a slight limp.  My shoulders are thicker and solid, not delicate in any way whatsoever.  It doesn’t bother me, why does it seem to bother others.  I’m your average looking stock sized Stone Butch with a slightly cocky attitude.

 

CARS….

ButchCountry67 was writing the other day about cars and our lives…yeah, I can definitely tell you my life story in cars….my first car was a 1973 Dodge Dart, 3 speed on the floor – they only made a limited amount of them this way…that car hauled ass, just like I was hauling ass at that age….and so the story goes on…my life seems to match up to the car, truck, or motorcycle that I was driving at the time, weird how that is.  She was writing about this specific  car, but then I got to thinking (inspired to by her blog) that our lives are in chapters, each chapter had is vehicles…and the memories I have of both are so cool.  

I used to take the Dart to Lee Raceway in Lee, New Hampshire on amateur night and race her down the quarter mile track.  I took my little brothers to the Yankee Modified car races on Saturday nights and remember some great high-speed cruises in her along the ocean.  I was crazy then, I damned near died in that car several times, but managed to drive it like a pro and made it out of several near-miss accidents.  So that time of my life was about wrenches, the smell of gas and oil, greasy hands, cold beers and race cars.  Then I had to grow up and join the US Army that September…I drove the car several more times when I was home on leave, then I sold her to my cousin….what I wouldn’t give to have that car today, but what I do have are the memories and a few photographs. 

What car, truck, or motorcycle do you remember best, and think about the time during which you owned it.  Did it match your personality / lifestyle? And what do you remember most?  I’d love to hear from others on this!  ~MainelyButch

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Author: MainelyButch

I am a pretty relaxed, proud, Butch and a native Mainer who enjoys reading, writing, blogging, vlogging and social interaction. I live in southern Maine, near the coast with my 2 small dogs and I hail from a very large, loving family that is historically rooted here. I write about my life, my experiences, living successfully with HIV, my YouTube experiences, and just about anything that piques my interest. This blog may contain profanity and sexual situations, and is not intended for younger audiences. Read at your own risk. At 54 I see life as just beginning a new chapter, and have decide this is the time that I need to write the stories that got me to this point. I believe we live our lives in chapters, changing, evolving and moving continuously with the times. I love to laugh, have discussions, debates and even the occasional nonsense conversation! I generally enjoy people, but not drama, hatred, ignorance or those who choose to feel they are somehow elite or superior to another simply due to their mere existence. I try to be very conscious of the health of the world around me - environmentally, socially, economically, and ethically. The people who are dear to me know me as having a tough exterior, filled with marshmallow and crunchy peanut butter. I continually strive to be the best I can be, especially to address life head on...always.

1 thought on “Identity…and Cars.”

  1. I felt like this for a long time and didn’t call myself a woman. Then I realized that its not that I am not a woman, its that many people’s ideas of what it means to be a woman are based on stereotypes. Women don’t have to want to look pretty or like bright, sparkly things. I can accept being a woman, but I refuse to accept the gender that’s often heaped on the word. Its been over a year and I’m still getting used to the woman label, but I am starting to enjoy being a woman who prefers traditionally masculine things.

    As for the car things, I would have had a hearse in my early 20s if I could have afforded it. A 1972 Cadillac hearse or similar is what I looked at online. After that, I didn’t think about it for a long time. These days, I want a 1920s roadster with a rumble seat because I think they’re dapper. They fit my personality at the stages – starting from when my major depression started up (hearse period) to not caring, to liking dapper things, like pocket watches and fountain pens. What I actually could afford was a Schwinn point beach cruiser in red and cream. Its classier than modern bikes (I think).

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