Butch Stuff, Gender Identity, Things Butch-Femme

Disappearing Butches: Butches and Top Surgery

Picture 297So, it looks like by having top surgery – breast modification to make my chest more male and flatter – that I have broken some old school rule in some minds. Sees that some people enjoy a Butch who has dysphoria (yeah, try living with it daily) and who hide their breasts under layers of clothing, no matter how uncomfortable that is for them. At least they still have all of their designated “woman parts” i.e. tits and a vagina. Yes, that is the older school Butch way of existing, and some like it that those Butches didn’t change that. I wonder…if those Butches could have or could now change – have top surgery – would they? Or wouldn’t they? I have to believe, being Butch myself and knowing how it feels to have the outrageous angst with my own body image, that any Butch who could change it for themselves would do exactly that. Now I am sure there are some that can’t for a wide variety of reasons, from financial and insurance, to health considerations, to fear of pain or of what their families and friends will think of them. Evidently some think that by my having had chest surgery that I am less Butch and more Trans now. I beg to differ.
All my life I was uncomfortable with my chest/breasts. I hated them from the day they started to grow. I hated how my clothing fit, how I couldn’t wear a well fitting shirt because of my proportions and I hated that it was the one thing that men would find feminine about me. Believe me I was anything BUT feminine, no matter what body parts said.
Just because I was able to modify my body and have a nice flat male chest doesn’t mean that I am not still Butch. I am still very Butch. Butch is an attitude, not a body structure. I was tired of binding and wearing ill fitting clothing, like I said. Binding isn’t healthy for the other structures of the body like the ribs and lungs! It made it hard to breathe, and hard to move sometimes. Binding was a temporary fix for a long term problem. Binding was like putting a bandaid on a broken leg. And when I was binding I was also hyper aware of it for all of the discomfort it was causing me. I would wish and wish that I had a flat chest and there would be no more need to bind.
It’s only been a couple of weeks since I had the surgery to give me a chest that I am now comfortable with. Even though there’s still some swelling, I am really happy with the results, estatic even. I run my hands over my chest, tenderly across the still bruised areas, and I marvel at how modern medicine and a very artistic surgeon have changed my body into something far more comfortable and pleasing to me – scars and all. I feel my nipples now and like how they are a bit smaller and will look great pierced once things are healed up completely. I look in the mirror and I like my reflection much more than I ever did before I made this change. And I am still very very Butch.
Sure, Butch has a “style” attached to it, but it’s a widely varying style too. There are dapper Butches, there are skater Butches, there are soft Butches and sporty Butches. Of course there are the quirky geek Butches and lumberjack Butches. Personally, I have never found a “style” that I fit into completely. I don’t pay much attention to the fashion magazines and websites now out there for Butch styles. I do my own “style” of Stone Butch and I own a couple of decent suits. The one thing I do notice in all Butch fashion is that everyone is flattening their chests. Everyone is either binding, has small boobs to begin with or is wearing 3 sports bras and a oversized frumpy shirt. And beleive me none of them are very comfortable…but they do it because they don’t care for their breasts and try to minimalize them as much as possible. And because they are encouraged to do this!
Most of our femme counterparts don’t go through this body dysphoria that we do. Thank God, because I do love breasts on women who wear them well – like my girlfriend. I’ve never had a woman I have been with want me to have boobs. They would like it when I bound and flattened my chest and looked decent in my clothes. So why would any of them care if I took it to the next level and had this surgery? I’ve gotten more support from my femme friends, and also a lot of support and admiration for being able to do this from my Butch buddies, while I’ve been recovering. I don’t hear any femmes complaining that they are going to miss my boobs….omg, that would just be wrong on so many levels! (the mere thought of that is wrong). I didn’t have one Butch buddy try to talk me out of top surgery, for any reason whatsoever. I had quite a number of them say that they wished they could have it done; they wished they had insurance or the money to do it, and that they would do the same thing in a minute if they could.
Then I see blogs that are shaming Butches for seeking out top surgery. Saying that once we do the surgery we are no longer Butch, but are now Trans. I am not Trans. I do not wish to be a man nor am I a man in any way. I am fine with my other parts, although I don’t wish to have them messed with either. I consider myself a Butch woman. Although, I also consider Butch to BE my identity, so I identify less with the woman parts and more with the androgenous side of me. I am fast developing an aversion to pronouns. I don’t care about being called sir, or about being mistaken for a guy…but I am fine with female pronouns for the most part too. Our society forgot to install a pronoun for us that fall between the binary. And I am not enthused about the hy / hys pronoun sets as they seem to refer to those who are Trans identified, maybe I am wrong. They just don’t feel right to me.
It makes me sad that some now wish to strip me of my Butch identity all over a lousy set of boobs. Doesn’t make sense to me. There is so much more to Butch than body parts. Next thing will be feminine looking Butches…ewwww….they’ll want us to wear tutus and lingerie. Nope. Not this Butch. I’m going to continue to do Butch MY way…I think I’ll call it Butch 2.0

Relationships, Sexuality, Things Butch-Femme

Sexy Thoughts …

cropped-butch_femme_feetWhen I touch you, my mind comes alive. My stone smooths just a tiny bit, and I am engrossed in my pleasure – pleasuring you. I love your body, nimble and smooth in my rough hands, your chest heaving as you struggle to breath as you tremble. My eyes do not leave you, my hands roam, my heart beats ever faster. Yes, touching you and feeling your heat swell with those touches is what I desire so deeply.
You struggle to touch me, I hold your hands away, pinned over your head, as you wrap your legs around me, thrusting and asking me meekly to take you there. You are my mark; I am your arrow. I want to pierce your core; your soul. I want to hear you whisper in my ear, and scream into the thin night air…

Butch Stuff, Gender Identity, Lesbian, Sexuality, Sexuality, Things Butch-Femme, Trans Identity, Transgender

Stone Butch Views

butch-pride“I have a question for those of you who are stone butch identified.
I have personally found that a lot of stone butch I’ve dated are in fact not stone at all by the definition I understand. Why is it that our butch brethren feel the need to add ‘stone’ to their label if they don’t truly feel that???

Honest question and innocently asked out of curiosity and would love to hear your feedback???”

In addressing this question / topic:

*People have their own perceptions of what Stone Butch means.  These are mine and how I see it.

*Labels I use:  Stone Butch, Hard Butch, Butchboi, TransButch, and Butch.

*Stone Butch lesbian= sexuality & identity & sexual preference

Stone refers to my sexual appetite and preferences as a top with the more standardly recognized ‘meaning’ of stone which is generally that I prefer to be the giver and not the receiver in the sexual and intimate interaction.

Butch is my identity.  Yes, I use labels folks.  I find them necessary for me to identify myself and when describing my perception of individuals in conversation.  I, like Bear Bergman, see Butch as a noun, it’s who I am. Butch to me is my authentic identity.  I am female bodied, but don’t identify as fully female, nor am I male, I am just Butch.  Pronouns don’t really make a difference to me, except I don’t like the “m’am” or “lady” words much at all.  I dislike them a lot.  I am often mistaken for male, and thus I do get “sir” quite often, which I don’t mind and which actually makes me secretly smile at the fact that my masculinity is that strong.

There have been a lot of Butch bashing blogs lately across the web.  Surprisingly from some sources that I was shocked at myself.  But then other sources such as the TERFs out there, don’t surprise me one bit.  TERFs seem to really frown upon female masculinity and are especially critical and phobic concerning the Butch-femme dynamic.

I had a long discussion tonight with my best friend here tonight concerning our views and perspectives of Butch – femme and the bashing and hatred that gets put out there from inside of our own LGBT community.  I hate to even believe that these radical lesbian feminists are even part of my community, but by default they actually are and they’re not going away anytime soon.

Now I claim to know nothing about feminism beyond what the average person knows.  I did not ever take any classes in gender studies, sexuality or feminist theory.  So, all of my words here are purely my own thoughts, opinions and perspectives.  Please agree to disagree respectfully.

I am a firmly planted member of the Butch-femme community.  I love the dynamic; I thrive on the energy of the interaction and the intimacy.  Being Stone Butch I absolutely love femmes.  And Stone femmes are particularly attractive sexual beings to me.  I worship femme energy, fierceness and the spark.  I adore that femmes understand my Stone Butch identity better than any other identity in the spectrum.  I’ve never been with another Butch, nor do I wish to be as to me it would be like screwing my brother and there would be a fight over who bottoms for sure!  J  My interest in Butches is for friendship, brotherhood and boi talk only.  My sexual appetite is for femme lesbians only.

In my discussion tonight we were saying that the difference to us – that best describes my way of seeing the difference between a Butch and a Transman is that Butches grow up wishing to be bois and Transmen are men.  It’s maybe difficult to explain this in writing to any great extent, but as a Butch I can say for myself that I have never wished to be a man, wanted to be a man or male.  I am fine with being female bodied – although I did just modify my body with top surgery , and now that that is done I have no more body dysphoria.  Maybe it’s because I’ve made it thru menopause, no more monthly reminders of my female parts, and now my chest looks closer to like what I wanted my whole life.   I still identify as a Stone Butch lesbian, not as transgendered at all.  And I have thought about it long and hard, Butch is just my true identity.  Stone is my sexuality.  Lesbian is my sexual preference.  Perhaps some can relate to me here, and some can’t.  This is just my take on my experience.

Some believe that B-f relationships are mimicking of heteronormative ideals.  That to me is just bullshit.  I hear that so much it makes me sick.  My relationships have been far from heteronormative!  I am a lesbian, I love women.  I am a woman who loves women.  I am a Butch who loves a femme.    I’ve heard it said that B-f relationships are “unhealthy” for women – let me assure you my relationship dynamics are as healthy as can be. Lesbian relations are NOT unhealthy, even between women who have seemingly opposite personality traits that are erroneously coded as “masculine” and “feminine” in a sex hierarchy.

Just because I am Butch and my lover is femme doesn’t mean that our relationship is unhealthy by any means!   Of course, every segment of society can have unhealthy relationships, so I am sure there are unhealthy B-f relationships too, but the fact that they are B-f is no reason that they are unhealthy, which I have heard implied and said straight out.

Being Butch I am very visible in the world as a homosexual female.  A sort of “walking billboard for lesbianism and female masculinity” as I have heard it said.  I cannot hide who I am.  It’s fairly obvious that I am lesbian to anyone who meets or sees me.  I wear my sexuality on my sleeve.  And being seen with me is to be seen.  Femmes often suffer the invisibility factor; they are not seen as lesbians and are often mistaken for straight women – even suffering the comments like “you are too pretty to be a lesbian” which is a great insult to most.  Like what, all lesbians are ugly?  I think not.  What they are saying is that to be seen as a lesbian you should be more masculine and dyke-like.  I feel for my femme friends, this isn’t an easy walk for them either.  Inside the B-f relationship dynamic we often protect each other and sympathize the other’s similar – but very different at the same time – plights.

Stone doesn’t mean that I am hard and unemotional.  Stone is a matter of who is giving and who is receiving in sexual situations with me.  Stone to me is the easiest word to convey that part of myself without getting too in-depth.  It means that my pleasure comes from giving pleasure to my femme partner; from her enjoying my masculinity, but knowing she’s with another woman – not a man.  I love to kiss and be physical, I just have my off-limits area.  In my case it’s for more than just the fact that I am Stone by preference, it also is affected by my hiv status – another story altogether.

I also take much pride in being a representative of the Butch identity; it has such rich history and depth.  I’m proud to associate myself with the strength and fortitude of those who have gone before me as Butch throughout their lives.

Regarding the “hard and unemotional” perception of Butches – which I have kiddingly called Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder (BEDD) – that is not who I am at all in reality.  Sure, I can be perceived as a hard ass; as a ruffian and bad boi.  That is purely an exterior perception based upon the way I present – a harder masculine and tough presentation.  It’s just who I have always been, I don’t know how to “tone it down” and I become frustrated sometimes because people say that I scare them.  I am not scary.  I am not violent or mean.  I’m actually pretty much a diamond in the rough.  In actuality I have a very caring and compassionate emotional side.  I may not always be forthcoming with it, but it is there for those I choose to give a peek to in my life.  With strangers I am definitely more walled up and less accessible.  For those I love, they know that I am soft hearted.  Being Stone doesn’t mean my heart is a rock.  I fight this quite often in my life.  Like I said, it’s frustrating and pisses me off sometimes, but it’s not something I have ever found a way to change without my trying to present as someone that I am not; and in ways I would not be comfortable.

I am not playing a “role” as some perceive. I AM Butch, and I do not attempt to play any role but try to always be my authentic self – in life and in love.   I am a more dominant personality and I see that as part of my Butch identity and not a separated thing.  In a D/s setting I am definitely Dominant.  And I enjoy a sub very much.  Again, not roles, but actual identities.  Role playing to me is when we pretend to be something that we in actuality are not – don’t get me wrong, I think role playing can be fun in the right setting – but being Stone Butch is not a role that I play.  It’s my life; it is who I am.

Butch-femme is not a hierarchy in relations – Butch over femme, and it is NOT a power imbalance as some seem to portray it and think that it is, it’s actually a mutual balance of give and take. My ying to her yang.

So those are my thoughts on this particular subject for tonight, as discombobulated as they may seem.  I am a little ‘off’ my mark in writing lately, as my mind is often distracted by thoughts of a beautiful woman who is stealing my heart.   I welcome your further questions, comments and feedback.

“Feminist “theory” was built on the backs of lesbian lives, especially lesbians targeted and ostracized for being walking billboards for the existence of female homosexuality.”


Lesbian, Poetry, Sexuality, Things Butch-Femme

Midnight Sighs


Lightning in the midnight skies

Those sweet palest of blue eyes

Kisses leave me wondering who

Lead me to so desiring you.


Searing hot and soaking wet

Yet barely had I been there yet

Passion like a midnight storm

Need and want above the norm


Flowing like the soaking rain

Bring ecstasy and a burning pain

Fire and want and searing passion

Overtakes in their primal fashion


I take what I want to be my own

Mind and body a white hot zone

Your lust and fierce kisses hurt

A good pain surely does convert


I lay breathing hard and full of thirst

Desiring more than just this first

Your deep needs and wants

Skin glistening tight and taunt


And leaves me just wanting to unfurl

More and more my lightening girl.

Drop me weak and to my knees

Enticing you to just say please….


Butch Stuff, Things Butch-Femme

Day 3: Eight Things You Can Do to Win My Heart

I’m a simple being.  There a dozens of things I love about people; things that endear a person to me.  Eight is a short list.  Be it as friend or lover these are just some of the ways to win my affections!  

1. Smile, laugh and play with me. Flash me a beautiful smile and it melts me every time.

2. Make me chocolate cake on my birthday…sans candles. 

3. Write to me…I’ve always been a writer and I love to read.  Write me a letter and you win every time.  

4. Be consistent.  Don’t be wishy-washy, I like consistency in people, not huge fluctuations that keep me guessing what’s going on. 

5. Have bold confidence in oneself.  I love confidence, without arrogance or conceit, it’s very sexy and highly appealing.

6. Watch the sunrise / sunset with me….depending on where we are in the world.  Even a pretty sunset over the mountains is better            than no sunset at all.  

7. Be truthful, trustworthy and honorable…have actual trust in me.  I can’t stand a liar.  Trust is sexy; trust in yourself and trust in me.

8. Be adventurous with me.  Take me on your dreams, come with me on mine.  


4: Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot

Things that cross my mind alot…now there’s a general question!  My mind is overly active, I’m constantly thinking about different things or I may get focused on one thing and ponder the hell out of it until I figure out how to file it off into the back of my brain storage.  

1.  Sex. I believe this is self-explanatory.  Particularly lately.  

2.  World events.  It worries me that there is so much war and religious strife in the world today.  It seems that it’s a problem with very few solutions that satisfy the general census.  Intricate religious wars have been waged relentlessly for thousands of years, and it’s become so common place that people don’t even seem to care anymore.  Personally I find it incredibly alarming

3.  Responsibilities.  alas, we all have them.  Daily grind, chores, things that need to be done, people that need to be seen, places that need to be visited.  I take my daily responsibilities pretty seriously, because there’s got to be organization in  my life.  Without the lists that govern my movements I am frozen.  I have lists of lists…and they seem to shrink and grow according to my energy level – which 

4.  Entrepreneurial undertakings.  I have a very business oriented mind. I’m always thinking of ways to make money to pay the bills and keep on top of things. 

5.  Lately, going back to work has been near the top of my mind.

6.  My family and all the September birthdays coming up!  September is a rather nice month family wise, we have a bunch of birthdays to celebrate, fairs to attend and fall weather to enjoy together.  

7.   Someone very special to my heart.  ❤  She’s always on my mind.  

Butch Stuff

Day 2: Nine things about myself

butchstarI will stick with the core basics here, which is probably repeative, but for the next 8 more days I have prompts every day that I realize disclose a bit much.  

1.  I’m a 52 yr old Stone Butch who walks a thin line between gender identities.  Being seen with me is to be seen; there is no invisibility cloak when one is on my arm.

2.  I was born a Marine Corps brat and was raised here in southern Maine where my family is 17 generations deep.  As a result of this I love Maine, and although I have tried to leave a few times in my 50+ years I always seem to boomerang right back here.  There’s just something about this land that stirs my spirit and keeps me here.

3.  My favorite vehicle I ever owned was a 1973 Dodge Dart muscle car.  I wish I still had her today!

4. Given the choice I would rather stay home and have a bonfire than be out on the town.

5.   I live my life by the Unwritten Rules.  I don’t hold many stereotypical values, as I always try to go above and beyond what’s expected – or to be completely authentic to my own vision of my Stone Butch self. I don’t run with the crowd well, I tend to create my own roads.

6.  My most comfortable clothing of choice is jeans, a button down and my work boots.

7.  I still have my original teddy bear that I got when I was born.  I love that damned thing.

8.  I believe in things happening for a reason.  Nothing happens by chance.  We are given a predesignated predetermined plan and even though we do not know the plan we execute it flawlessly.  This means every individuals experiences are unique to them and thus make up the constitution of that person.

9.  I believe I have had TWO “once in a lifetime” dogs…Jock (rip) and Nola.  The dogs were different, the loves were different, but the concept is still the same.

Family, General Blips, Relationships

Day 1 – Ten things I want to say to different people right now…

Greetings readers.  Here’s Day 1 of the Ten days of prompts I posted this morning.  I wrote this quickly, but I could expound on everyone of them probably to the tune of a page each, but for the sake of brevity I have kept from doing that.  Now that I have the 10 primary people in my life addressed below, I can think of a dozen others to add to this list.  

Day 1Ten things I want to say to different people right now….

1.  Sister…like me you are strong willed and Dominant, these are qualities that were ingrained in us from childhood.  We two have always been the strong one, the rebels, the black sheep and yet also the caregivers.  I have to tell you that you have incredible care for those around you, but you too often forget self-care is vital to our continuing to be able to love those in our lives.  Don’t ever let anyone put you down, you rock and you know it.  Stand up and be heard always.  Be strong but be gentle, be a good and reasonable leader and know your responsibility.  And remember he worships you…take care of him.  I love you kiddo.

2.  Baby Bro….I love you to death, but sometimes I want to throttle the shit out of you.  You somehow forgot somethings along the way.  You forgot that blood is thickest at it’s source.  The family looks to you and your good example.  So don’t hold it up like a trophy, but be humble and encourage them to reach as high as they can for their own good and goals.  Also, money doesn’t buy happiness.  It may buy vacations to Aruba, but unless it’s given where most needed and not thrown around like confetti it’s fairly useless, and looks really petty on you….but I still love the hell out of you!!! 

3.  BP…Got one major thing to say to you. Get out while you still can.  Nothing and no one on this planet is worth what you have gone through these last few years.  She’s not on your side, she’s not by your side, she’s the enemy.  We can see it, why can’t you?  No one deserves 10 and 12th chances to “make good” on their inflated deceitful words.  Don’t give her another one, and save yourself and your sanity while you can.  There’s another awesome woman out there for you…just be patient and be kind.  No, not all women are alike.  I love you and worry about you constantly.

4.  DD….Forgiveness is golden. I know it was hard, but Thank You from all of us, we love you and hated seeing family split over things.  I have to tell you that I admire the two of you.  You’ve put a good foundation down as a solid base over some really roughed up gravel in your lives, both of you.  I hope you will not forget that your children need to forge their own roads into the world, don’t hold them back from that!  Encourage them to get out and experience life and all it’s pitfalls and joys.  Love you both like crazy.

5.  D…. Negativity is unbecoming.  Money is not everything, and you can’t take it to the grave.  I have to tell you that your politics suck.  You can’t possibly believe the stuff that you say you believe and still be a part of this family.  Your own family is the best, you need to remember that and treat us that way.  Your words can be very encouraging or can burn holes in our hearts where your fatherly love is supposed to live.  I know we had a rough time always, I think it IS because we are so very alike as everyone says.  I just hope that my counter-balance of positive energy, kindness, and good feelings toward the world can help tip your scale toward being a more softened, kinder gentleman.  I do love you, but you are very hard to love.  

6.  Kids…You are all my little soldiers.  You can’t help it that you were each born into this crazy world; this slightly dysfunctional family which is full of love and adoration for you all.  Individually I could list all 7 of you and tell you why I love each and every one, but my list here will address you as a group.  I know you’ll each have to experience things in life to make you who you will become to the world.  Do one thing – keep helping to change the world for the better.  If you go through life keeping that thought in mind every day when you wake up then what you do will always matter, believe me.  Also, consider the mistakes that some of your relatives have made; their experiences are invaluable to you in growing up.  Learn from us, we’re not trying to stop you from anything, only trying to guide you away from pain.  And lastly, I love you each independently and immensely.  

7.  Former’s…I never intended to be a hard ass.  I never faltered from who I was with any of you.  You all knew I was a Dominant mother fucker and yes, my heart could be ice cold at times.  It’s part of my self-control; part of my pain…but I could also be very loving and kind hearted.  I loved each of you in your own unique ways, but I ever was only in love with 2 of you.  I treated you all good, kind and respectfully always, even when it was time for me to walk away.  I had to…to get where I am today which is right where I want to be.  I want to tell you that I wish you each only the very best in love and life.

8.  Friends….without your continuing support and love I would be nothing.  I can’t pick out my favorites here, but just know you are one of them.   The love and support I received in recovery, and in walking the thin lines I have walked; the pushes and shoves to get over the hurdles as they came up faster and faster…that’s where you made the difference.  Bear hugs to all.

9.  Mom….You have been the biggest motivator and inspiration in my life.  Without you I would most likely be a name on a gravestone somewhere.  I thank God for the days that you showed up unexpectedly to yank my ass home from my life of debauchery.  While I didn’t like it then, I grew to understand that you were the one person in my life who truly loves me unconditionally.  I’m sorry that I put you through all of the bad times that I did, I wish I could take it all back…but those things were part of our learning processes together.  You and I both learned valuable things, I hope I taught you that anyone can make mistakes and they can still become good people afterwards.  There were time when I wasn’t such a good person, that I was mean as a rattlesnake and deserved what I got.  but the night I came to you after having that gun shoved down my throat was my turning point.  It was a really really hard row to hoe, but I did it and I’m here today still.  Even though he got me with another weapon that I have to bear for the remainder of my days, he didn’t blow my brains out that night and I did the right thing in coming home to you for help.  The drive to Togus absolutely sucked for both of us, thanks for not letting me out anywhere along the way, I would have been lost to the world had you done so at that time.  I never told you this, but I cried for you after you left that night….I cried for all the wrongs that I had done to you.  I am so sorry.  Today, many years later, I am a far different version of me.  Sure, I have those experiences but they are each uniquely part of the person I have become – which is the person I think you raised to be good, kind, compassionate and considerate of the world.  I love you Mom and Thank you for being there when I needed a net!

10.  S….I have no idea where the Universe intends for us to be in life together.  I’m amazed and very pleased to have this turn of events that led to our meeting and connecting like we are doing.  Things like this only happen a couple of times in a lifetime I have found personally, so taking hold of it seems like a great idea.   These dynamics, they have to be built like structures – on foundations and from both sides meeting in the middle.  It’s hard work, and requires active participation from both sides.  I’m not sure if you are up to it with me, but I have take a chance and tell you that I am certainly most up to this challenge with you.  I look into your eyes and feel your kiss and I can think of nothing and no one else in this world.  Perhaps you think that goes against who I am, but actually it feels to me like it’s where I should definitely be right now.  With you.  Whatever that looks like.  



10 Days of Writing Prompts

Day One: Ten things you want to say to different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about myself.
Day Three: Eight things you can do to win my heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you had never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

Relationships, Things Butch-Femme

Email, Dating and Me.

A question / statement that comes up about me often is “You must get a million emails from women online” I want to address this a little bit. 

Sure, because of my online persona I do garner a fair share of “fan mail” of the email variety, and sometimes even cards and letters via snail mail.  I am always very flattered by them, I appreciate that people watch and read my rantings.  I do not, however, often answer all of the emails that I receive. And if I do it’s simply to say thank you and express gratitude for their readership.  So if you have sent me an email, again I appreciate it and if I didn’t reply it wasn’t out of snobbery at all, but often just out of protection for self.  

I said that I don’t always reply to them, not that I on occasion don’t reply and even sometimes strike up friendship with the writers.  I have met a couple of really good people via this route.  People who I remain connected to for either short times of exchanges about the writing or vlog, and others who I stay connected to in a friendly nature for extended time.  

I have met a couple of women online because of my Youtube channel and WordPress blogs that I have become attracted to for one reason or another.  Obviously, immediate attraction comes generally from finding a woman physically appealing.  Here is where I go into some of the “unwritten rules” of being Butch.  I’m actually very shy with women.  I generally cannot get a word out of my mouth in person upon meeting someone I would potentially be attracted to.

With the internet and my very slightest amount of anonymity I am overly cautious as to who I connect myself with these days.  I have had some rather negative experiences, I will not call them mistakes because at the time I wanted to be exactly where I was at – but they were pretty much dead-end short term deals.  And while they were fun at the time, they were not what I want longer term and I always knew that going into them. 

I am very particular.  I know it.  It’s just one of my faults I guess.  I am generally attracted to a very particular type of femme woman.  Not only in looks, but in character as well.  Although, now I am beginning to think my looks type preference is now a busted myth.  I like a woman with tenacity, substance and things going on upstairs in the intelligence department.    She needs to be fiercely passionate about life and about me to hold my interest.  I don’t mind a challenge or two, but I am not into a major drama scene – hers or mine.  Generally I like life very relaxed, peaceful and quiet.  No, that’s not who I have always been…there have been times when I have been (hell, still am) a bad boi.  

I can get myself into some adrenaline fueled things quite easily.  I lean sometimes toward the wrong side of the lines of law and am elated by the smell of good exhaust fumes.  Fast cars, fast cash, fast women have been part of my history.  I have made a concerted effort to quell a bit of the rebellious side of myself in the last few years.  I just decided that I was getting too old to sport the black leather of my 20’s and 40’s  And the jump to the more settled down and calmer life of my 30’s…well, let’s just remember we do choose our surroundings!  Love put me there and love got me out.  I’ve been accused of being a runner.  I generally run from anything that remotely resembles love or a relationship.  I admit it. I get myself too close to love and I pull back very quickly.  Why?  I think it just goes back to self-preservation.  I’ve had that heartache once in my life, and even then I did it to myself….I’m not sure I could go through it again without self-destructing.  

All this being said, I have met someone that I could fall in love with.  The Unwritten Rules say that she shall remain anonymous to you dear readers.  Let me just say she does take my breath away in some mighty fine ways.  Why do I say could?  Because it’s all very complicated in my view.  What if I let myself fall and she decides some other Butch is better suited for her?  She tells me she has other “suitors” and that makes me hesitant because I’m not here to compete with anyone.  I generally set my eyes on something I like and I go after it.  I’m not into dividing my attention in various directions very much….which makes me completely suck at poly life.  Sure, I can divide it if I don’t allow feelings to come into play, if I can keep the women I date at a distance emotionally then I don’t have a problem.  This has been the case the last few years, and then the women I was involved with didn’t care for me seeing others so it never worked out.    

She said, and I never thought about this before, that dating doesn’t really exist on the same plane in the LGBT world as in the straight world.  There’s definitely some truth to that statement.  The LGBT world is just much smaller, and we all seek out our spots and our comfort zones in it.  The dating pool is smaller, and unless we are in our 20’s and on or near college campuses or in big cities, we don’t think about dating as much as about finding a good match for ourselves; someone we can share time and intimacy with in a safer environment.  

Plus as we get older our lives become more complicated.  We surround ourselves with people we trust with our hearts; family and close friends.  Letting someone into the tightly woven circles of trust that we weave is a monumental thing for some of us – hell most of us!  It’s not like there is a big LGBT population centered anywhere near me…and I don’t really notice it much as I am too embroiled into everyday life and the struggles of surviving my 50’s to notice that I might be the only LGBT person on the block.  It doesn’t bother me, I don’t “long” for a community at all.  I grew up fighting my way out of the closet, luckily I found the door in my late teens, some don’t find it until later in life and then the only thing they have to akin it to is straight life.  And we all know that’s no comparison!  

If I want LGBT community I go to my online friends and support networks, I call my LGBT buddies on the phone, or on Skype, or we talk online in chats.  But I can see her point, we don’t really “date” in our community like we did pre-HIV days in the late 70’s and early 80’s. (Austin I hear you! :D)  Dating now for me is more like weeding out the chafe and letting the wheat fall cleanly; then dividing the wheat into more manageable piles.  Once I am interested in someone I try to see how interested they may be in getting to know me…in today’s world that happens to be via the internet mostly.  

So recently one of these sort of emails came my way…and I got intrigued.  Why?  Firstly, because the woman was from my area, secondly after I saw a photo of her I just had to know more about her.  I found her incredibly beautiful to look at, I just had to know more about her. And as it turned out she is single and femme, and incredibly smart (I find intelligence super sexy) and put together.  We spent a couple of weeks getting to know more of one another via email, messaging and Skype, then I finally convinced her I didn’t bite too hard and she came down to see me this past weekend.  I had no idea she’d be twice as gorgeous in person, and would rock my world for the better.  I can’t even put into words how she made me feel.  

Having just had my top surgery last Monday I was a little sore, but let me tell you what adrenaline can do to you physically in regards to pain!  I felt very little.  Our time together was awesome.  She made me feel like a million bucks, and her kisses were just so fierce and demanding, yet sweet to mine.  I could really get used to that kiss…who knows where this will go, but I’m damned sure willing to stick around and find out.  We may not be able to see one another in person as much as we might like, but right now that’s okay with me.  I have a lot going on at this time of year.  September is only days away, it’s my 2nd favorite month next to October and I am usually very busy in September – coincidentally so is she.  The universe is now in charge…and it’s brought me so many good things lately that I have to trust that things will work out as they are meant to, and as my positive energy allows.  I can’t wait to see her again though.  Damn.    ~MB