Disappearing Butches: Butches and Top Surgery

Picture 297So, it looks like by having top surgery – breast modification to make my chest more male and flatter – that I have broken some old school rule in some minds. Sees that some people enjoy a Butch who has dysphoria (yeah, try living with it daily) and who hide their breasts under layers of clothing, no matter how uncomfortable that is for them. At least they still have all of their designated “woman parts” i.e. tits and a vagina. Yes, that is the older school Butch way of existing, and some like it that those Butches didn’t change that. I wonder…if those Butches could have or could now change – have top surgery – would they? Or wouldn’t they? I have to believe, being Butch myself and knowing how it feels to have the outrageous angst with my own body image, that any Butch who could change it for themselves would do exactly that. Now I am sure there are some that can’t for a wide variety of reasons, from financial and insurance, to health considerations, to fear of pain or of what their families and friends will think of them. Evidently some think that by my having had chest surgery that I am less Butch and more Trans now. I beg to differ.
All my life I was uncomfortable with my chest/breasts. I hated them from the day they started to grow. I hated how my clothing fit, how I couldn’t wear a well fitting shirt because of my proportions and I hated that it was the one thing that men would find feminine about me. Believe me I was anything BUT feminine, no matter what body parts said.
Just because I was able to modify my body and have a nice flat male chest doesn’t mean that I am not still Butch. I am still very Butch. Butch is an attitude, not a body structure. I was tired of binding and wearing ill fitting clothing, like I said. Binding isn’t healthy for the other structures of the body like the ribs and lungs! It made it hard to breathe, and hard to move sometimes. Binding was a temporary fix for a long term problem. Binding was like putting a bandaid on a broken leg. And when I was binding I was also hyper aware of it for all of the discomfort it was causing me. I would wish and wish that I had a flat chest and there would be no more need to bind.
It’s only been a couple of weeks since I had the surgery to give me a chest that I am now comfortable with. Even though there’s still some swelling, I am really happy with the results, estatic even. I run my hands over my chest, tenderly across the still bruised areas, and I marvel at how modern medicine and a very artistic surgeon have changed my body into something far more comfortable and pleasing to me – scars and all. I feel my nipples now and like how they are a bit smaller and will look great pierced once things are healed up completely. I look in the mirror and I like my reflection much more than I ever did before I made this change. And I am still very very Butch.
Sure, Butch has a “style” attached to it, but it’s a widely varying style too. There are dapper Butches, there are skater Butches, there are soft Butches and sporty Butches. Of course there are the quirky geek Butches and lumberjack Butches. Personally, I have never found a “style” that I fit into completely. I don’t pay much attention to the fashion magazines and websites now out there for Butch styles. I do my own “style” of Stone Butch and I own a couple of decent suits. The one thing I do notice in all Butch fashion is that everyone is flattening their chests. Everyone is either binding, has small boobs to begin with or is wearing 3 sports bras and a oversized frumpy shirt. And beleive me none of them are very comfortable…but they do it because they don’t care for their breasts and try to minimalize them as much as possible. And because they are encouraged to do this!
Most of our femme counterparts don’t go through this body dysphoria that we do. Thank God, because I do love breasts on women who wear them well – like my girlfriend. I’ve never had a woman I have been with want me to have boobs. They would like it when I bound and flattened my chest and looked decent in my clothes. So why would any of them care if I took it to the next level and had this surgery? I’ve gotten more support from my femme friends, and also a lot of support and admiration for being able to do this from my Butch buddies, while I’ve been recovering. I don’t hear any femmes complaining that they are going to miss my boobs….omg, that would just be wrong on so many levels! (the mere thought of that is wrong). I didn’t have one Butch buddy try to talk me out of top surgery, for any reason whatsoever. I had quite a number of them say that they wished they could have it done; they wished they had insurance or the money to do it, and that they would do the same thing in a minute if they could.
Then I see blogs that are shaming Butches for seeking out top surgery. Saying that once we do the surgery we are no longer Butch, but are now Trans. I am not Trans. I do not wish to be a man nor am I a man in any way. I am fine with my other parts, although I don’t wish to have them messed with either. I consider myself a Butch woman. Although, I also consider Butch to BE my identity, so I identify less with the woman parts and more with the androgenous side of me. I am fast developing an aversion to pronouns. I don’t care about being called sir, or about being mistaken for a guy…but I am fine with female pronouns for the most part too. Our society forgot to install a pronoun for us that fall between the binary. And I am not enthused about the hy / hys pronoun sets as they seem to refer to those who are Trans identified, maybe I am wrong. They just don’t feel right to me.
It makes me sad that some now wish to strip me of my Butch identity all over a lousy set of boobs. Doesn’t make sense to me. There is so much more to Butch than body parts. Next thing will be feminine looking Butches…ewwww….they’ll want us to wear tutus and lingerie. Nope. Not this Butch. I’m going to continue to do Butch MY way…I think I’ll call it Butch 2.0

Sexy Thoughts …

cropped-butch_femme_feetWhen I touch you, my mind comes alive. My stone smooths just a tiny bit, and I am engrossed in my pleasure – pleasuring you. I love your body, nimble and smooth in my rough hands, your chest heaving as you struggle to breath as you tremble. My eyes do not leave you, my hands roam, my heart beats ever faster. Yes, touching you and feeling your heat swell with those touches is what I desire so deeply.
You struggle to touch me, I hold your hands away, pinned over your head, as you wrap your legs around me, thrusting and asking me meekly to take you there. You are my mark; I am your arrow. I want to pierce your core; your soul. I want to hear you whisper in my ear, and scream into the thin night air…

Stone Butch Views

butch-pride“I have a question for those of you who are stone butch identified.
I have personally found that a lot of stone butch I’ve dated are in fact not stone at all by the definition I understand. Why is it that our butch brethren feel the need to add ‘stone’ to their label if they don’t truly feel that???

Honest question and innocently asked out of curiosity and would love to hear your feedback???”

In addressing this question / topic:

*People have their own perceptions of what Stone Butch means.  These are mine and how I see it.

*Labels I use:  Stone Butch, Hard Butch, Butchboi, TransButch, and Butch.

*Stone Butch lesbian= sexuality & identity & sexual preference

Stone refers to my sexual appetite and preferences as a top with the more standardly recognized ‘meaning’ of stone which is generally that I prefer to be the giver and not the receiver in the sexual and intimate interaction.

Butch is my identity.  Yes, I use labels folks.  I find them necessary for me to identify myself and when describing my perception of individuals in conversation.  I, like Bear Bergman, see Butch as a noun, it’s who I am. Butch to me is my authentic identity.  I am female bodied, but don’t identify as fully female, nor am I male, I am just Butch.  Pronouns don’t really make a difference to me, except I don’t like the “m’am” or “lady” words much at all.  I dislike them a lot.  I am often mistaken for male, and thus I do get “sir” quite often, which I don’t mind and which actually makes me secretly smile at the fact that my masculinity is that strong.

There have been a lot of Butch bashing blogs lately across the web.  Surprisingly from some sources that I was shocked at myself.  But then other sources such as the TERFs out there, don’t surprise me one bit.  TERFs seem to really frown upon female masculinity and are especially critical and phobic concerning the Butch-femme dynamic.

I had a long discussion tonight with my best friend here tonight concerning our views and perspectives of Butch – femme and the bashing and hatred that gets put out there from inside of our own LGBT community.  I hate to even believe that these radical lesbian feminists are even part of my community, but by default they actually are and they’re not going away anytime soon.

Now I claim to know nothing about feminism beyond what the average person knows.  I did not ever take any classes in gender studies, sexuality or feminist theory.  So, all of my words here are purely my own thoughts, opinions and perspectives.  Please agree to disagree respectfully.

I am a firmly planted member of the Butch-femme community.  I love the dynamic; I thrive on the energy of the interaction and the intimacy.  Being Stone Butch I absolutely love femmes.  And Stone femmes are particularly attractive sexual beings to me.  I worship femme energy, fierceness and the spark.  I adore that femmes understand my Stone Butch identity better than any other identity in the spectrum.  I’ve never been with another Butch, nor do I wish to be as to me it would be like screwing my brother and there would be a fight over who bottoms for sure!  J  My interest in Butches is for friendship, brotherhood and boi talk only.  My sexual appetite is for femme lesbians only.

In my discussion tonight we were saying that the difference to us – that best describes my way of seeing the difference between a Butch and a Transman is that Butches grow up wishing to be bois and Transmen are men.  It’s maybe difficult to explain this in writing to any great extent, but as a Butch I can say for myself that I have never wished to be a man, wanted to be a man or male.  I am fine with being female bodied – although I did just modify my body with top surgery , and now that that is done I have no more body dysphoria.  Maybe it’s because I’ve made it thru menopause, no more monthly reminders of my female parts, and now my chest looks closer to like what I wanted my whole life.   I still identify as a Stone Butch lesbian, not as transgendered at all.  And I have thought about it long and hard, Butch is just my true identity.  Stone is my sexuality.  Lesbian is my sexual preference.  Perhaps some can relate to me here, and some can’t.  This is just my take on my experience.

Some believe that B-f relationships are mimicking of heteronormative ideals.  That to me is just bullshit.  I hear that so much it makes me sick.  My relationships have been far from heteronormative!  I am a lesbian, I love women.  I am a woman who loves women.  I am a Butch who loves a femme.    I’ve heard it said that B-f relationships are “unhealthy” for women – let me assure you my relationship dynamics are as healthy as can be. Lesbian relations are NOT unhealthy, even between women who have seemingly opposite personality traits that are erroneously coded as “masculine” and “feminine” in a sex hierarchy.

Just because I am Butch and my lover is femme doesn’t mean that our relationship is unhealthy by any means!   Of course, every segment of society can have unhealthy relationships, so I am sure there are unhealthy B-f relationships too, but the fact that they are B-f is no reason that they are unhealthy, which I have heard implied and said straight out.

Being Butch I am very visible in the world as a homosexual female.  A sort of “walking billboard for lesbianism and female masculinity” as I have heard it said.  I cannot hide who I am.  It’s fairly obvious that I am lesbian to anyone who meets or sees me.  I wear my sexuality on my sleeve.  And being seen with me is to be seen.  Femmes often suffer the invisibility factor; they are not seen as lesbians and are often mistaken for straight women – even suffering the comments like “you are too pretty to be a lesbian” which is a great insult to most.  Like what, all lesbians are ugly?  I think not.  What they are saying is that to be seen as a lesbian you should be more masculine and dyke-like.  I feel for my femme friends, this isn’t an easy walk for them either.  Inside the B-f relationship dynamic we often protect each other and sympathize the other’s similar – but very different at the same time – plights.

Stone doesn’t mean that I am hard and unemotional.  Stone is a matter of who is giving and who is receiving in sexual situations with me.  Stone to me is the easiest word to convey that part of myself without getting too in-depth.  It means that my pleasure comes from giving pleasure to my femme partner; from her enjoying my masculinity, but knowing she’s with another woman – not a man.  I love to kiss and be physical, I just have my off-limits area.  In my case it’s for more than just the fact that I am Stone by preference, it also is affected by my hiv status – another story altogether.

I also take much pride in being a representative of the Butch identity; it has such rich history and depth.  I’m proud to associate myself with the strength and fortitude of those who have gone before me as Butch throughout their lives.

Regarding the “hard and unemotional” perception of Butches – which I have kiddingly called Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder (BEDD) – that is not who I am at all in reality.  Sure, I can be perceived as a hard ass; as a ruffian and bad boi.  That is purely an exterior perception based upon the way I present – a harder masculine and tough presentation.  It’s just who I have always been, I don’t know how to “tone it down” and I become frustrated sometimes because people say that I scare them.  I am not scary.  I am not violent or mean.  I’m actually pretty much a diamond in the rough.  In actuality I have a very caring and compassionate emotional side.  I may not always be forthcoming with it, but it is there for those I choose to give a peek to in my life.  With strangers I am definitely more walled up and less accessible.  For those I love, they know that I am soft hearted.  Being Stone doesn’t mean my heart is a rock.  I fight this quite often in my life.  Like I said, it’s frustrating and pisses me off sometimes, but it’s not something I have ever found a way to change without my trying to present as someone that I am not; and in ways I would not be comfortable.

I am not playing a “role” as some perceive. I AM Butch, and I do not attempt to play any role but try to always be my authentic self – in life and in love.   I am a more dominant personality and I see that as part of my Butch identity and not a separated thing.  In a D/s setting I am definitely Dominant.  And I enjoy a sub very much.  Again, not roles, but actual identities.  Role playing to me is when we pretend to be something that we in actuality are not – don’t get me wrong, I think role playing can be fun in the right setting – but being Stone Butch is not a role that I play.  It’s my life; it is who I am.

Butch-femme is not a hierarchy in relations – Butch over femme, and it is NOT a power imbalance as some seem to portray it and think that it is, it’s actually a mutual balance of give and take. My ying to her yang.

So those are my thoughts on this particular subject for tonight, as discombobulated as they may seem.  I am a little ‘off’ my mark in writing lately, as my mind is often distracted by thoughts of a beautiful woman who is stealing my heart.   I welcome your further questions, comments and feedback.

“Feminist “theory” was built on the backs of lesbian lives, especially lesbians targeted and ostracized for being walking billboards for the existence of female homosexuality.”

Butchnotlikeothergirls

Midnight Sighs

PoemPic

Lightning in the midnight skies

Those sweet palest of blue eyes

Kisses leave me wondering who

Lead me to so desiring you.

 

Searing hot and soaking wet

Yet barely had I been there yet

Passion like a midnight storm

Need and want above the norm

 

Flowing like the soaking rain

Bring ecstasy and a burning pain

Fire and want and searing passion

Overtakes in their primal fashion

 

I take what I want to be my own

Mind and body a white hot zone

Your lust and fierce kisses hurt

A good pain surely does convert

 

I lay breathing hard and full of thirst

Desiring more than just this first

Your deep needs and wants

Skin glistening tight and taunt

 

And leaves me just wanting to unfurl

More and more my lightening girl.

Drop me weak and to my knees

Enticing you to just say please….

 

Day 3: Eight Things You Can Do to Win My Heart

I’m a simple being.  There a dozens of things I love about people; things that endear a person to me.  Eight is a short list.  Be it as friend or lover these are just some of the ways to win my affections!  

1. Smile, laugh and play with me. Flash me a beautiful smile and it melts me every time.

2. Make me chocolate cake on my birthday…sans candles. 

3. Write to me…I’ve always been a writer and I love to read.  Write me a letter and you win every time.  

4. Be consistent.  Don’t be wishy-washy, I like consistency in people, not huge fluctuations that keep me guessing what’s going on. 

5. Have bold confidence in oneself.  I love confidence, without arrogance or conceit, it’s very sexy and highly appealing.

6. Watch the sunrise / sunset with me….depending on where we are in the world.  Even a pretty sunset over the mountains is better            than no sunset at all.  

7. Be truthful, trustworthy and honorable…have actual trust in me.  I can’t stand a liar.  Trust is sexy; trust in yourself and trust in me.

8. Be adventurous with me.  Take me on your dreams, come with me on mine.  

4: Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot

Things that cross my mind alot…now there’s a general question!  My mind is overly active, I’m constantly thinking about different things or I may get focused on one thing and ponder the hell out of it until I figure out how to file it off into the back of my brain storage.  

1.  Sex. I believe this is self-explanatory.  Particularly lately.  

2.  World events.  It worries me that there is so much war and religious strife in the world today.  It seems that it’s a problem with very few solutions that satisfy the general census.  Intricate religious wars have been waged relentlessly for thousands of years, and it’s become so common place that people don’t even seem to care anymore.  Personally I find it incredibly alarming

3.  Responsibilities.  alas, we all have them.  Daily grind, chores, things that need to be done, people that need to be seen, places that need to be visited.  I take my daily responsibilities pretty seriously, because there’s got to be organization in  my life.  Without the lists that govern my movements I am frozen.  I have lists of lists…and they seem to shrink and grow according to my energy level – which 

4.  Entrepreneurial undertakings.  I have a very business oriented mind. I’m always thinking of ways to make money to pay the bills and keep on top of things. 

5.  Lately, going back to work has been near the top of my mind.

6.  My family and all the September birthdays coming up!  September is a rather nice month family wise, we have a bunch of birthdays to celebrate, fairs to attend and fall weather to enjoy together.  

7.   Someone very special to my heart.  ❤  She’s always on my mind.  

Day 2: Nine things about myself

butchstarI will stick with the core basics here, which is probably repeative, but for the next 8 more days I have prompts every day that I realize disclose a bit much.  

1.  I’m a 52 yr old Stone Butch who walks a thin line between gender identities.  Being seen with me is to be seen; there is no invisibility cloak when one is on my arm.

2.  I was born a Marine Corps brat and was raised here in southern Maine where my family is 17 generations deep.  As a result of this I love Maine, and although I have tried to leave a few times in my 50+ years I always seem to boomerang right back here.  There’s just something about this land that stirs my spirit and keeps me here.

3.  My favorite vehicle I ever owned was a 1973 Dodge Dart muscle car.  I wish I still had her today!

4. Given the choice I would rather stay home and have a bonfire than be out on the town.

5.   I live my life by the Unwritten Rules.  I don’t hold many stereotypical values, as I always try to go above and beyond what’s expected – or to be completely authentic to my own vision of my Stone Butch self. I don’t run with the crowd well, I tend to create my own roads.

6.  My most comfortable clothing of choice is jeans, a button down and my work boots.

7.  I still have my original teddy bear that I got when I was born.  I love that damned thing.

8.  I believe in things happening for a reason.  Nothing happens by chance.  We are given a predesignated predetermined plan and even though we do not know the plan we execute it flawlessly.  This means every individuals experiences are unique to them and thus make up the constitution of that person.

9.  I believe I have had TWO “once in a lifetime” dogs…Jock (rip) and Nola.  The dogs were different, the loves were different, but the concept is still the same.