Note: I write from a very Butch perspective, and this doesn’t agree with all readers, but it’s my style. Trigger warning: If you don’t care for the Butch/Femme dynamic, don’t read this! 🙂
What femmes want in their Butches…also known as what women want.
I touched upon this subject jokingly in a recent video with a friend, but the replies that I got via comments on the video, and on subsequent blogs and in email form was anything but joking! Butches, our femme counterparts want us to know what they want! And it’s not always rough sex and a huge shoe collection…honest it isn’t! Here are some of the things that I was told that women want from their Butches, and I am sure many Butches want these same qualities in their femmes; as it was said to me “In other words, do you really want a women who wants to be with someone like you?” Meaning if you are a little screwy and aren’t fully all there, would you want someone who wanted to be with you in that capacity?
Women want to be wanted. They want to be desired, worshipped, loved and paid attention to in all ways. They disdain being ignored, trivialized or rejected. (Don’t we all?) they want to be wanted for who they are and for what they bring to the relationship as an individual; those qualities that are important to its success.
They want to feel special. She wants to know that you think she’s beautiful or smart. She wants to know that you’ll go to the lengths necessary to please her and to keep her happy and contented. Chivalry is not dead, she wants you to open doors, pull out chairs and offer your jacket on a cold autumn night’s walk. She wants to feel honored and loved in a special way, from her special Butch.
She wants a friend, with benefits of course. She is looking for someone she can trust with her secrets, her thoughts, and her desires. Someone who will not throw her under the bus, ever. She wants to know you care about what she has to say and why she’s got her opinions; just someone to listen and validate her ideas.
And the biggie...Femmes want us Butches to buck up and be honest. Honesty and truthfulness seem to play key top roles in any relationship. I’ve seen the aftermath of dishonesty and mistrust up close and personal myself, and it’s not a pretty scene. Honesty is a virtue in any person, Butch, Femme, Gay or Straight. And to first be honest with oneself, and to respect oneself, is the only way one can offer that true honesty to another person. She wants to know she can trust you to be there, to do the right thing, and to uphold your joint virtues.
One of my friends wrote to me about the subject:
“Femme woman at this age have had children or old marriages behind us. Some have had wicked heartaches and deceit that has dig deep into our hearts. If we have not learned or managed to live with the scar tissue then we need to stay single. I have had to take time to work through this kind of thing and as smart as I am, staying single until you do isn’t easy; sex and romance always makes me forget I am fucked up and need to keep myself home.
So being a well- adjusted woman is what we really want and as you know, no one else can give this to us. We have to do this. We need to feel in control of where our lives are going. We need to feel accomplished and confident. We need to be emotionally far away from the last partner. We need to love ourselves.
Your job is to learn how to get to know a woman well enough to consider her well-adjusted and this means taking your time. We all have shit and we all struggle but there is a line, a place where she is emotionally healthy enough to share your life with. Don’t sell yourself short just because you hate being alone. Also be honest about where you are in your life. Don’t make promises you know you can’t keep. If you are a mess and should not be in a clean responsible relationship with someone, give yourself more time to get there. Don’t rush it or you will just end up with a new mess. Another words, do you really want a women who wants to be with someone like you?”
And I agree, we all want to be with someone who has their proverbial crap all in one sock. We would like neatly packed baggage, not overflowing suitcases of issues. Everyone has something in their history, and in their complete package that may not be pretty, but we want it to be dealt with and not still something that is brought back to light in a new relationship.
Also: “Also if I have grown kids know please understand my relationship with them. Be sure you can handle it, if not, move along. In other words, if I didn’t raise my kids to be independent and I am always giving them money or babysitting so much we don’t have a life together anymore then you should not try and fix it because you will never win. (Consider yourself lucky to know this is not a good thing and run for the hills. If I did my job right my kids should not be your problem)”
Touching on this piece of the puzzle, let me just say, never come between a woman and her children. And if she has needy children, especially needy adult children, run for the hills, as my reader says! I can tell you from experience that you will always play second fiddle, but playing with someone who has a cling-on family too is like starting out WAY behind the 8-ball. You can never win, and you will feel the resentment, believe me. You cannot and should not have to compete for your lover’s time and attention – especially with grown adult children who are needy, clingy, financially irresponsible, or just plain nutty.
In addition my contributor offered up a bit of advice to the love-lorn looking for their perfect match
“What attracts a woman? It is different for everyone but someone who is sane and happy matter, also don’t have an explosive temper, no one likes that. Be kind and secure in your life. You don’t need to be rich but be responsible, we should both add to our lives. On a personal note, I like smart. Nothing beats brain sexy. And be funny, a sense of humor is a turn on.”
I would say that that is a mutual one. No one enjoys an explosive temper, a whiner, the negative nay-sayer, or a complainer. Being happy and secure in who you are as well as where you are in life is a must if you are to begin a new life with someone else. Being responsible, smart and witty are all very attractive qualities, that not everyone possesses. I perssonally also enjoy very smart women, women who can capitvate my intellectual interest.
So, in synopsis, we all want the same basic things. We want sanity in our lives, security in our futures, and spice in our nights. We want to be gentlemanly in our ways during the day, and a beast at night…or for some, femme in the streets and a slut in the sheets…so to speak. We each want people in our lives that bring us up and not who tear us down. it’s not so hard to figure out, but the drama in lesbianville makes it seem difficult sometimes. I’ve seen the habitual liars, cheaters, and players…hell, I’ve been one of the former myself at times. Although, lying has never been my fortay, I admit I’ve cheated and I’ve been a player at times…but I’m almost 53, those are just parts of my neatly packed ‘baggage’ regardless of who I am today. Today I am far more pulled together, responsible, honest and agreeable, and I seek out the company of people who are more up to my caliber and standards. I am not a control freak, but I control my life; my destiny and my choices every day. I want the same in a partner/lover/friend in my life. Someone who just has their sock all neatly tied in a bow. 🙂