Hold Back

Stinging my brain like a million sharp needles
Under my skin’s confines
You rise up against me
Full and warm with dripping wet desires
I fight the urges back
To just take you now
Ripping against the mental confines
To tear you apart
I hold back every ounce
Until I cannot take it any longer
Bent, twisted thoughts
Must I take you with force and lash
Swift crushing blows
Like waves crashing on rocky shores
Deafened ears can only hear
One whimper from far below…

Acceptance of the Father

Occasionally I get emails from younger LGBT people concerning coming out, and the reactions of their immediate families. Today I got a good one. A 15 yr old who identifies as lesbian and has just come out to her mother and siblings. Problem is her father, who you can tell she has great love for in the way she speaks for him. He evidently had some kind of mouth malfunction and started ranting about how marriage equality and the LGBT ‘agenda’ were going to be the downfall of America. All shit we as adult LGBT community members have heard before…consistently. 

This kid wants acceptance and support of her father. But she’s fearful of his reaction and possible rejection by him. I can hear that in her email. I can feel the palpable fear in my gut. I know her pain and I know it well.

As a young dyke I looked up to my father very much. He was my idol. I wanted to be like him; respectful, honorable and brave. I would watch him shave in the morning and would wish that I could stand beside him and shave too. and there were times that he would take the Gillette shaver, remove the blade and let me ‘shave’ with the empty razor and some of his shaving cream, the best part was the Old Spice aftershave…I still have a penchant for the stuff today..

Anyway, I was constantly seeking his approval in things that I did in school and in sports. Always trying to impress him, or at least get him to notice me. I copied his mannerisms, and borrowed his ethics (for a while). My Dad was a good example in most respects about how to be a good, well mannered, self-control guy. He definitely control his life, and the lives of my mother and us kids, very rigidly. I liked that he had that control, but I also learned to be very controling myself from his example…maybe not always a good thing, but it works for me generally speaking. It works for my lifestyle.

I believe young masculine identified lesbians look for role models; beings to mold their lives after, to follow and to have as mentors and teachers as to how to act and be in this life. It’s not easy being different, being so visible and just out there. As a teenager I was always running scared, but too damned tough to show it for even one minute…I was that sort of Butch scared on the inside which can never be visible on the outside to anyone. I remember it being a painful time in my own life, and I would never want to go back to any age below 35!

This kid talks about being ridiculed at school already, so she’s already experiencing the derogatory comments of her peers sniping about her masculine looks and mannerisms.

 

I remember being a teenager and being very, very angry at the world. Angry that I could not be who I felt I was meant to be, without the consent of my family and friends. I didn’t think it was right that I had to live under these binary rules of gender. I hated it. I loathed it. I rebelled in every possible way that I could – with the parents, the law, self-destructive behaviors, and finally by leaving my home and family in hopes that in a foreign place I could find out who I was and what to do.

What do I tell this kid of 15 about how difficult her life ahead is going to be? But also how incredibly empowering it will be when she steps into that authentic life she is destined to lead?

How do I explain that the world is cruel, mean and nasty, but that she will learn to navigate under her own sail; it will never be smooth sailing, but it will be swift and true. Some days she’ll wake up in love and feeling good and others she’ll wish she could crawl under the stone she’s made of.

Then how do you explain the mediocre days, when things are just going along and some idiot makes a derogatory comment as she walks by…’dyke’…How do I tell her to just swallow hard and let the anger settle and walk on proudly? How do I tell her that stopping to engage the idiot and possibly getting the crap kicked out of herself is not a good idea?

It’s so hard to tell a kid of 15 that it will be okay; that it will get better. That one day she will look back on her teenage years and first wonder how she survived, then wonder why it all seemed so hard back then. Hopefully, she’ll look back and when she does she’ll remember how her father came around and did give her his full love and support in her journey. I pray for that. I got that with my Dad…a man I look up to very much, who I may not always agree with, but who taught me honor, respect, manners and to walk proud in my own skin.

Bromance #3

…another thing Butches bond over – FOOD.  We hit up Applebee’s bar yesterday and saw some dude in a wildly funny hat giving the bartender grief.  Tonight we ate at home, then went to the city for some coffee and some people watching.  The beautiful women were out by the droves…(whoever the smokin hot Brazilian looking woman in front of Poco’s on the cell phone was  – call me! )…it was outrageous.  Here is some of our foodie adventures from the last 2 days…

Bromance #3 Video footage

Bromance #3.5

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What DO Most Femmes want from Butches…?

Note: I write from a very Butch perspective, and this doesn’t agree with all readers, but it’s my style. Trigger warning: If you don’t care for the Butch/Femme dynamic, don’t read this! 🙂
What femmes want in their Butches…also known as what women want.

I touched upon this subject jokingly in a recent video with a friend, but the replies that I got via comments on the video, and on subsequent blogs and in email form was anything but joking! Butches, our femme counterparts want us to know what they want! And it’s not always rough sex and a huge shoe collection…honest it isn’t! Here are some of the things that I was told that women want from their Butches, and I am sure many Butches want these same qualities in their femmes; as it was said to me “In other words, do you really want a women who wants to be with someone like you?” Meaning if you are a little screwy and aren’t fully all there, would you want someone who wanted to be with you in that capacity?

Women want to be wanted. They want to be desired, worshipped, loved and paid attention to in all ways. They disdain being ignored, trivialized or rejected. (Don’t we all?) they want to be wanted for who they are and for what they bring to the relationship as an individual; those qualities that are important to its success.

They want to feel special. She wants to know that you think she’s beautiful or smart. She wants to know that you’ll go to the lengths necessary to please her and to keep her happy and contented. Chivalry is not dead, she wants you to open doors, pull out chairs and offer your jacket on a cold autumn night’s walk. She wants to feel honored and loved in a special way, from her special Butch.

She wants a friend, with benefits of course. She is looking for someone she can trust with her secrets, her thoughts, and her desires. Someone who will not throw her under the bus, ever. She wants to know you care about what she has to say and why she’s got her opinions; just someone to listen and validate her ideas.

And the biggie...Femmes want us Butches to buck up and be honest. Honesty and truthfulness seem to play key top roles in any relationship. I’ve seen the aftermath of dishonesty and mistrust up close and personal myself, and it’s not a pretty scene. Honesty is a virtue in any person, Butch, Femme, Gay or Straight. And to first be honest with oneself, and to respect oneself, is the only way one can offer that true honesty to another person. She wants to know she can trust you to be there, to do the right thing, and to uphold your joint virtues.

One of my friends wrote to me about the subject:
“Femme woman at this age have had children or old marriages behind us. Some have had wicked heartaches and deceit that has dig deep into our hearts. If we have not learned or managed to live with the scar tissue then we need to stay single. I have had to take time to work through this kind of thing and as smart as I am, staying single until you do isn’t easy; sex and romance always makes me forget I am fucked up and need to keep myself home.

So being a well- adjusted woman is what we really want and as you know, no one else can give this to us. We have to do this. We need to feel in control of where our lives are going. We need to feel accomplished and confident. We need to be emotionally far away from the last partner. We need to love ourselves.

Your job is to learn how to get to know a woman well enough to consider her well-adjusted and this means taking your time. We all have shit and we all struggle but there is a line, a place where she is emotionally healthy enough to share your life with. Don’t sell yourself short just because you hate being alone. Also be honest about where you are in your life. Don’t make promises you know you can’t keep. If you are a mess and should not be in a clean responsible relationship with someone, give yourself more time to get there. Don’t rush it or you will just end up with a new mess. Another words, do you really want a women who wants to be with someone like you?”

And I agree, we all want to be with someone who has their proverbial crap all in one sock. We would like neatly packed baggage, not overflowing suitcases of issues. Everyone has something in their history, and in their complete package that may not be pretty, but we want it to be dealt with and not still something that is brought back to light in a new relationship. 

Also: “Also if I have grown kids know please understand my relationship with them. Be sure you can handle it, if not, move along. In other words, if I didn’t raise my kids to be independent and I am always giving them money or babysitting so much we don’t have a life together anymore then you should not try and fix it because you will never win. (Consider yourself lucky to know this is not a good thing and run for the hills. If I did my job right my kids should not be your problem)”

Touching on this piece of the puzzle, let me just say, never come between a woman and her children. And if she has needy children, especially needy adult children, run for the hills, as my reader says! I can tell you from experience that you will always play second fiddle, but playing with someone who has a cling-on family too is like starting out WAY behind the 8-ball. You can never win, and you will feel the resentment, believe me. You cannot and should not have to compete for your lover’s time and attention – especially with grown adult children who are needy, clingy, financially irresponsible, or just plain nutty.

In addition my contributor offered up a bit of advice to the love-lorn looking for their perfect match

“What attracts a woman? It is different for everyone but someone who is sane and happy matter, also don’t have an explosive temper, no one likes that. Be kind and secure in your life. You don’t need to be rich but be responsible, we should both add to our lives. On a personal note, I like smart. Nothing beats brain sexy. And be funny, a sense of humor is a turn on.”

I would say that that is a mutual one. No one enjoys an explosive temper, a whiner, the negative nay-sayer, or a complainer. Being happy and secure in who you are as well as where you are in life is a must if you are to begin a new life with someone else. Being responsible, smart and witty are all very attractive qualities, that not everyone possesses. I perssonally also enjoy very smart women, women who can capitvate my intellectual interest.

So, in synopsis, we all want the same basic things. We want sanity in our lives, security in our futures, and spice in our nights. We want to be gentlemanly in our ways during the day, and a beast at night…or for some, femme in the streets and a slut in the sheets…so to speak. We each want people in our lives that bring us up and not who tear us down. it’s not so hard to figure out, but the drama in lesbianville makes it seem difficult sometimes. I’ve seen the habitual liars, cheaters, and players…hell, I’ve been one of the former myself at times. Although, lying has never been my fortay, I admit I’ve cheated and I’ve been a player at times…but I’m almost 53, those are just parts of my neatly packed ‘baggage’ regardless of who I am today. Today I am far more pulled together, responsible, honest and agreeable, and I seek out the company of people who are more up to my caliber and standards. I am not a control freak, but I control my life; my destiny and my choices every day. I want the same in a partner/lover/friend in my life. Someone who just has their sock all neatly tied in a bow. 🙂

Life Today…July 8, 2014

 “What screws us up most in life is the picture

                  in our heads of how it’s supposed to be.”  

On a more serious note…I know my blog is a little silly lately with me and my buddy Lori posting pics of us just being Butch.  The feeling of having a Butch buddy around to do things with is really great for me!  I love it, and I love our interactions, conversations and our silliness.  But seriously, it’s so cool to have someone who is so like minded around to discuss things with, to share thoughts about different topics related to living Butch and all that we encounter and go through in doing so.  Having my own life validated somewhat by seeing another person who is so much like me is such an encouraging feeling.  Lor and I could be brothers for sure, and I’d be proud to be that.  

I haven’t been doing much besides more or less just enjoying life at the moment.  I know that on Thursday I have to get off my lazy butt and make some cash this weekend.  Unfortunately for me life does not run on laughter alone.  Flea market this weekend, so hauling and carrying; loading and unloading and loading again, dickering and bartering, and hopefully making hay while the sun shines on us on Saturday.  Yeah, that’s my life for the next 2 weekends, then it’s the annual Tractor and Engine Show here at Raitt Farm Museum for 3 days, 15 hours a day.  I shall be very tired at the end of July…but hopefully I will have made some decent money as well.  Today’s find was a stack of OLD windows, 6 pane halves, which will make awesome frames / wall art.  I plan to keep 1 and resell the other 3.  Never know what you’ll find cruising around the back roads around New England; treasures abound.

My Nemesis Butch Star watch has been replaced, thankfully.  I missed that watch something awful.  I lost it in the trip to Virginia last month; left it in the moving truck and evidently the cleaner of the truck thought it was cool enough to pocket, thus no returned watch for me.  I had to order a new one, and it arrived yesterday much to my delight.  I consider this as the same gift as the original, which was a birthday gift to me this last January.  

For those who follow my more artsy side, I have bought some of the advanced to expert level mandala and intricately drawn coloring books.  I need more of the fine tipped markers at this point, having worn several colors out of ink. I had put myself on restriction from purchasing more, but now I need them!   I still do these when my nerves are frayed even the slightest bit, as they calm me and refocus my energy into the moment at hand.  The colors soothe me as well as in some ways stimulate different parts of my brain I believe, whatever it is, it works for me.

Learning to live in the present moment does take practice, and practice I do, for who knows what will happen tomorrow, so you best be living the best you can be living today, and be completely aware of your present moment in time.  Plans for the future are just fables in our heads, they really mean nothing because the universe has a plan for each of us already, and that is the plan that will become reality at some point for each of us.  Never say never.  I started this post with the quote from my Pinterest page today which was “What screws us up most in life is the picture in our heads of how it’s supposed to be.”  

Lori and I did a rather silly off-the-cuff vlog on What Women Want, and thus I have received a couple of great comments and email from some femme friends about what it is that women really want, femmes particularly, from their Butch counterparts.  I am going to pull together a written blog on the topic, and cite some of the words that have been written to me in the last few hours since posting that vlog on Youtube (What Women Want Vlog ) .  I was being crazy and not taking the topic too seriously in the video, but after a touch of reprimand and redirection I think I should address the topic a bit more seriously and in some better detail.  I’ll think hard on the subject and work more on this tonight.                                                           

Bromance Day 2

Butch bruthas bonding day 2.

My buddy and I spent another lazy Butch day doing a lot of just laid back stuff. We went down to North Hampton State Beach for a little while with Nola….but dogs are prohibited on the beach during daytime. I had her in her service vest, and had her tag, and no one seemed bothered. We only stayed about a half hour, checked out the people, got Nola some minor beach time and then headed back this way to go to the pool for a nice refreshing dip. At the pool we found ourselves talking about life, and what women want…not that we know anything about this subject, but the video footage of us trying like hell to decipher the code was pretty funny. For those wishing to see videos of todays adventures, there are two of them on Youtube. One is the beach and pool, and the 2nd is Butch Bonding over What Women Want….truly funny. I hope everyone managed to stay cool and out of the direct sun today…Peace.

Butch Beach Bonding

What Women Want…2 Butch Perspectives…

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Bromance

So, a Butch buddy of mine was heading south out of Maine when she broke down in Kittery, the next town over.  She called me looking for some help and a temporary place to crash, of course I offered up both like a good Butch.

Today we spent the day running around together like 2 kids in a candy store. We talked about all kinds of ‘just Butch’ stuff, girls, tools, bikes, cars, trucks….oh look a fucking squirrel…..

Yeah, we both apparently have ADD and as we set out to do one thing in town we ended up doing half dozen, including visiting the auto parts store, shopping for new trucks at the garage (also looking for screws there too) and we even hit the pawn shop – MY most favorite place to shop!    It was a true day of Butch bonding and bromance….I love having a buddy around, it’s entertaining and keeps me laughing!

Duct tape & Dykes
Duct tape & Dykes
Lori working on the headlight...neither of us could figure out the clip...we eventually just taped it in.
Lori working on the headlight…neither of us could figure out the clip…we eventually just taped it in.
MainelyButch working on the headlight
MainelyButch working on the headlight
Use the blue tape dude!
Use the blue tape dude!