Things Butch-Femme

The Femme/Butch Question

So I get quite a few questions posed to me because of my Youtube channel and other internet venues I am involved in, one of the most common questions is “why do Femme lesbians want to date Butch lesbians? Why don’t they just date a man?” Of course this question is very irritating to me, and the explanation is so broad sometimes that it takes a hammer drill to get someone who doesn’t understand the dynamic to “get it”..

So when you are asked this question, or a question similarly worded regarding this, what do YOU say? I am about to make a new video addressing this, and am looking for some other input and perspectives on the topic.  I’m looking for more than the standard screw you if you don’t get it sort of response. I’d like to find a way to explain some of the dynamic and the attraction that would give a more serious answer to the question.  

Any input you have would be great!  I read every comment and response!  Thanks!


8 thoughts on “The Femme/Butch Question

  1. I’ve always found it interesting that being a Femme, not only is this question asked frequently, but the follow question tends to be, “if you wanted a woman who looks like a man, why not just date a man?” Perhaps the best answer I have , thus far, is that I find female masculinity to be highly attractive. I love the soft skin of my lover but her muscular body and competitive drive is what drives me wild. I’ve found that most people have a “type” they are attracted to, i.e., dark hair, light eyes, tall, short, etc. If they follow this same logic it shouldn’t be difficult for them to understand that my “type” is a masculine woman … but then again, I could be giving more credence to human compassion 🙂


    • Yes, I hear the same “why not be with a man” line ALWAYS following the question. Very good response, and I will be quoting some of this in my up-coming vlog on Youtube. If you have any further thoughts *I know that sometimes I get a “2nd wind” of thought AFTER I post a response, just because my interest has be piqued and I begin to ponder things deeper*) let me know please! As I am reading all of the responses and views it’s becoming a longer video than I originally intended, but I can always split the tape into 2 vids! Definitely got people thinking! Again, Thanks for taking the time to respond here! 🙂


  2. Because femmes are lesbians. I think the underlying question is “Why would a “normal” woman want to to be with a woman instead of a man?” Men find it hard to believe that a woman they are interested in is not interested back, and that they would prefer another woman. Also, since most straight men find masculine women unattractive, they can’t fathom anyone being attracted to us. The same way they find gay men unappealing. The “ick” factor.


    • I think that when MEN ask the question they are actually somewhat “threatened” by the idea that a woman would pass them up for a masculine Butch WOMAN. It boggles their minds, they think with the little heads and a woman not wanting a “real” man just doesn’t compute with either organ! I am more interested in good answers when the question is asked in seriousness. Some people honestly don’t know alot about LGBT lifestyle, and thus just don’t “get it” and are asking out of innocent curiousness. I believe it can be a “learning” moment if they are treated respectfully and given an answer that they can understand. Everyone hates asking the “stupid” question, and it’s hard enough to talk about sexuality without being downed for asking a question. There are always those “idiots” that are asking out of pure sarcasm – you know them by the snickers and laughs that follow the question. They aren’t looking for an “answer” but are looking to aggravate and insult whomever they are asking. Those are the ones taht deserve the “fuck you, you wouldn’t understand” line as you walk away proudly. I like your very first line. I actually thought of just those specific words myself earlier tonight, because Femmes are lesbians…pure and simple. Thanks for your input! 🙂


  3. Ceajay71 says:

    So, I’ve been thinking about this topic for most of the night, but I haven’t been able to explain it so that people who are not “in the Life” can understand, other than the statement, ” because I’m a lesbian. ” I love butch women! For me. watching a butch is like watching magic. I am in awe at her rough hands but tender kisses. I love the way that she understands ME, I don’t need to explain WHO I am. I love that she admires my softness, but knows that I am strong too. We are equals, but different, yet the same. I don’t receive any pity from her, that I was born this way, because we were made for each other. We fit. For me, it feels right.


  4. Hello,
    First of all, thank you so much for your blog and videos, I find them really helpful and I feel somehow it’s comforting to see those issues being discussed in a respectful way.
    Here comes my input to this and I really hope I managed to stay within the subject.
    The question “if you like butches you might as well date men” is unfortunately a question I’ve been asking myself for years before I found the courage to come out and accept myself. It was 20 very painful years and the path has not been easy. I’m still struggling…
    So getting this question from other people, even if the intentions are good, it doesn’t make me angry but more like “sigh, how many times do I have to explain this…”
    I’m thinking, why not turn around the question instead? If a butch is the same as a man, why not date butches instead of men? How come a male-bodied person is viewed as the first choice?
    I really cannot say why I like butches. I don’t think anyone can explain their attractions. You can say what you like about the other person but the attraction, to me, that’s a raw thing coming out of nowhere.
    To me personally, I find a male body unattractive/uninteresting. I’m attracted to female bodies, while at the same time I’m drawn to masculinity. That could be an explanation why I love butches.
    Also, some people mention the “energy” behind all that and I can totally agree it’s a matter of energies sort of clicking together. I’ve never been in a relationship with a butch but to me, just being around one, listening to one, the bare fact that they even exist… It gives me comfort and inspiration to keep on living… I realize this might sound cheesy but that’s what I really feel at the moment… To me, this is way more than physical attraction… I can get feelings to the core of my soul in such a depth and strength that I have never experienced with men or feminine women… And it can be so very wonderful… but also so very scary…
    Well those were some of my thoughts. They were really hard to write but I hope they are helpful in some way…
    Thank you for the opportunity to express them.
    All the best.


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