This could be the most difficult blog I have ever undertaken! I know, right up front, that I will probably get a lot of backlash for this. The topic is VERY difficult to write about without using stereotypes and words that we don’t necessarily “like” to use, but in order to write it I could not find a way NOT to resort to using the stereotypes. I hope you will read first, and understand I am really trying to explain MY concept of answering this often-asked question. I am not intending to insult or disrespect ANYONE in any way, shape or form. And I have tried to very delicately explain that this is just MY take on this topic, and is NOT the rule, may not be agreeable to anyone else. I am being very basic here, believe me we ALL KNOW there’s more to it than these basics, but for the sake of writing this piece I think I have to keep it to the old basic “stereotypes” for better understanding by a wider audience, please allow me a little lee-way here! I would LOVE to see others write about this question and how they would answer it that is different from my thoughts below.
The last post where i posed the question about Femme-Butch dynamics and the question about “why are Femme lesbians attracted to Butch lesbians, why not just date a man?” has spurred some very interesting and varying comments and input from my readers and Youtube audience. I love it! I like hear other peoples’ opinions and what they might say in return to the same question, opposed to what I would say myself. It’s always great to get different perspectives and angles on any subject that interests me.
I am going to boil down my answer to the question.
My simple answer is “Well, they are both Lesbians, and lesbians are women who are attracted and have intimate, sexual relationships with other women.”
Now the particulars are in the pudding of the question. The “asker” (if asked seriously by someone who truly doesn’t understand the Butch-Femme relationship dynamic and is truly curious for an answer. For sake of argument imagine someone close to you, who you love and respect asking you this question in all seriousness) sees two women, one very feminine, “girly” looking, and one very masculine, rougher, “boyish” looking. He/she wonders “why would a woman would want to be with another woman who LOOKS like a man, why not just be with a man if that’s what you like”. It may sound screwed up to us inside the equation; those in the LGBTQ community, and especially those of us who live the Butch-Femme dynamic daily. But let’s just look at what the “asker” is seeing and why the question isn’t always so “stupid” when asked seriously and with respect.
The “asker” sees the Butch as more of a “man” than as the woman that she truly is. Maybe it is her clothing, perhaps haircut, rougher hands, short nails, and the way she is read as very male much of the time. Maybe it’s the way she talks, the way she carries herself, that Butch swagger, the tattoos, or the steel toe boots. Whatever the “asker” sees that leads them to wonder what woman would be attracted to a woman of Butch identity,
This can and does confuse those who are not part of the LGBTQ community, (and even some who ARE part of our community). What the “asker” doesn’t see are her soft heart, her compassion, her personality, the fact that she IS a woman, has female body parts and has experienced life as a woman – a Butch woman.
The Femme she is dating embodies all of the more “Feminine” aspects of being female. She presents to the world much the same way that most non-Butch women present, as purely woman. She may look “straight” (The old, “oh you can’t be a lesbian, you are too pretty!” scenario), may wear make up and have a well coiffed hairdo, long painted nails and wear much more colorful and stylish clothing.
Femmes love the masculine energy of a Butch woman. They love that she IS a woman, and that she is rough and tumble on the outside, but has a heart of gold, is caring, compassionate, tender, vulnerable to only her, and understands her in ways no other does.
As A Butch myself, I love the Feminine energy of a Femme woman. I love that she likes to look her best, not just for me, but every day when she step out that door. I love that she cries on my shoulder during sappy movies, the way her soft, smooth hand fits so good inside of my rough one. I love the smell of her hair, she chose that scented shampoo just because she knew I would like it – and I would TELL her so. I love that she gets honery, stomps her heels and would fight off the whole population of the women’s rest room just so I could piss in peace. Yes, I could go on, but it’s those opposing forces that drive us as Butches and Femmes into each other’s arms. It’s my need for Femme energy and her need for my Butch energy in the end that brings us together as a unit.
So in the end my basic answer to a serious asker, is that Femmes are attracted to the attributes of masculinity that are embodied by a Butch WOMAN. It’s the fact that she IS a woman that is appealing in her masculinity. It’s the way she has her own style and way of carrying masculinity that particular way that she does. It’s about 2 women loving one another, and their preference is for the more opposite of what they are themselves, because that energy appeals to them; speaks to their soul.
Side notes: Of course we all know that in the end relationships come down to personality and how well the two participants get along. Over our life times our tastes go through a range of changes, morphing into new phases and new likes/dislikes along the way. My example is me….In my 20’s I was very much looking at the prettiest girls, the “10’s” as we used to call them. I was into how a woman looked, I was young, eager and maybe a bit shallow. At 30 I matured. Who cares about a few extra pounds anyway? I began to date women who made me laugh, who I enjoyed the company of and who were not just arm candy. I fell in love with a wonderful, intelligent, witty, cute and sexy woman that I would not have given a second look to at 25! She captured my heart and soul for 14 years…At 50 I am now interested in people; yes mostly very Femme women are my preference. But they have to be intelligent, have a great sense of humor, be tolerant, caring, compassionate, and a dozen other things that I never thought about back in the days of hunting the 10’s. I see the inside goods as well as the wrapping, and I am most interested in a combination of the two – a woman who likes to look her best, and is smart as a whip! (she can even OWN a whip! lol). I don’t think about sex first anymore, I think about what we each have to offer the other in ways of partnership, companionship and THEN sex! 🙂