Recalibration

Very well written! I can so totally relate, and I am sure there are others who can as well! I really enjoy this blogger! Check her out!

singlequeergrrl

I wonder if this is what Peter Parker feels like when he goes home to MJ and finally takes off his mask.  

After a sincere, year-long attempt at a relationship, I’m actually pleased to be returning to single life.  Breakups always suck, and this one is hardly an exception, but singledom feels so natural to me– truly being the master of my own life, my schedule, my activities and, perhaps most importantly, with whom I spend my time.

I’ve never understood how some of my friends could hop quickly from one relationship to the next with barely any time in between to find themselves again.  I always find myself needing more alone time than usual after a breakup, time I often refer to as “recalibration.”  It’s not only that you need to figure out who you are independent of the relationship, but you need to figure out who you…

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Youtube versus Real Life…choices

Youtube, the internet versus Real Life…the two are somehow separate, yet somehow intertwined; parallel universes revolving around your own personal sun.  

I been thinking lately.  I have been on Youtube for 5 years and 4 months now…quite a LONG time for any Youtuber!  I’ve seen people come, stay a little while, do a dozen or so videos and disappear into oblivion once again.  I’ve known a very few who have stuck it out and stayed with it, actually about 5 that I know of right off the top of my head that I have followed since March of 2009 when I started actually doing videos.  It took me about a year to be convinced to join the vlogging bandwagon, and once on board I decided that I actually liked doing them and have pretty much stuck with it.  I have taken small hiatus periods, like 3-5 weeks here and there through the years, but I’ve posted over 1000 videos, some are still up and some are in privately shared space, and some have been deleted now, but I’ve definitely done a boatload!

My videos have ranged in topic from very personal stuff about myself, to answering questions people have asked, to giving my opinion on different things such as news stories, articles, issues within the LGBTQ community, etc – all basically for fun and entertainment, although mostly my own!  LOL  Hell, I’ve even done some more serious “how to” videos on some minor things like pet care.  I have had a blast doing the videos.  I have built a subscriber list of 1389 viewers.  My typical video garners approximately 130 views in the first 2-3 days, and some have topped 5,000 views over time.  I don’t do it for the “views” or “hits”, but more for my own personal enjoyment, for those who are dedicated, loyal followers and for those who come to me with questions or topcs they would like to see discussed by me and others.

I have always tried to be very open and honest in any video I have done.  What’s the point if you are not going to be?  My view is that if you are going to make videos make them so they have a point of some kind and so they are interesting in some way and that keep the viewers’ attention to watch them to the end.  Perhaps I have succeeded sometimes, perhaps I have failed miserably others. Whichever way it has gone, it’s been just fine with me.  I don’t lose sleep over it. I just YT because I like it.  I enjoy most of the people I have met over the years.  I have gotten tons of comments about how this video or that video changed someone’s opinion, view or life in some little way and made their day a tad bit brighter.  Those are the BEST comments to get!  I have made some friends, so damned good friends and I have made some enemies I am sure.  Hey, you can’t please everyone, why even try!  If I were worried about that I would either not post videos at all or make all my posts private.  

I think my vlogging is something I like to remain positive about. I like to project a positive attitude, even if I am discussing a negative topic like a news event about a tragedy. There’s always something to find positive even in the negative.  I try to avoid the negative quibbly stuff, avoid the dramatics and rarely speak about people in any type of revealing way.  Viewers don’t want to watch or hear that kind of stuff so I try to keep it real and be honest in voicing my own opinions, my own views and things deriven from my own life experiences.  I find it more freeing to be this way. I, and I am sure other people as well, can relate to people who they find are real and who they can share a view with or an experience with in virtuality.  I think it’s pretty cool to get other peoples opinions, views and have exchanges that may even change MY view on the topic; maybe change how I thought and that’s what I call growth.  We grow through the exchange of ideas.  

There is a weird paranoia that does come with being a public sort of figure or being in the public eye.  It can and will change your life.  As I have navigated the online world I have met many people, some interesting, some funny, some scary, some I liked and some I did not.  I’ve made some really good friends, and I have had many great conversations as a result.  I have learned as I have gone along, because there is no “right” or “wrong” way to do it, there is no instruction manual or care-of guide.  Vlogging helps me get perspective sometimes, and it helps others see my perspective, and maybe further think about their own.  Viewers see some of their problems and answers or ideas about them through seeing and hearing about how I have dealt with things in life.  Sometimes I look back at old old videos and think “what was I thinking!?” because I have changed my view in some way or another, life has gone on and whatever it was became either less important or completely irrelevant.  

I started out on Youtube slowly, and became far more open about myself as time went on.  I have blended my Youtube with other venues, shared the videos in other places and used them for a variety of purposes over time.  Lately I’ve been starting to feel that it may be that time in my life to keep my emotions and more personal things to myself more.  The internet is a rapidly changing place.  

Five years ago Youtube was a MUCH different place; a whole different atmosphere and way of being.  It was much more about personal videos discussing life issues facing each of us at different times and in different places along the path. Today it’s more of hubbub about what the “popular” theme is, how to make money doing videos and who can out wit who.  It’s a bit crazy and not as interesting in my own personal opinion.  Sure, there are still some great vloggers who have remained true to themselves and still do the types of videos that I continue to do about everyday topics. And I will follow those people until they either drop off the tube or I do.  I am finding more negativity than ever before.  I am finding more haters and bullies, I hate to see it happening, but it seems to be just the way of the web-life.  I don’t feel that mutual respect and the kind of trust that I used to feel when the tubes were a smaller, more intimate community, but that I have to be more careful who I share my personal life with these days.  

I will absolutely continue to do videos.  I’m not leaving Youtube or WordPress by any means!  I find it way too fascinating to leave.  But I am going to divide off and make more personal videos available to only a limited, select audience on all of my channels.  Same with WordPress; I will be posting password protected blogs when I deem it necessary to protect my privacy and in an effort to be more careful about who I am sharing my life with in these venues.  I have watched another very well respected YT vlogger do this a couple of times, have to change channels, go private, use passwords, etc and now I know and understand his need to do this periodically.  Sometimes you have to rethink your position and it may lead you to a new choice, a new path or one of better footing in the long run.  It’s not a bad thing, and it could be a necessary thing, as I am finding at this point in life.

The weekend is over.  Mine was a pretty good one – mostly spent working!  I did take some time to relax and accomplish some other things as well. The best thing I did was turn off my email and internet – except for 2 check in’s on Facebook! – all weekend, I won’t even check my email for at least another 12 hours.  I’m sure it’s full, but you know, I didn’t stress about it and it will be there when I get to it sometime tomorrow.  It’s given me time to rethink these things about Youtube and the seeming “need” for an internet presence by everyone here in 2013…I so wish for the simpler days of much less technology!  

In closing, thanks for your continued support and encouragement!  I appreciate every reader.  

B-F Question…Hardest Blog I EVER wrote!

This could be the most difficult blog I have ever undertaken!  I know, right up front, that I will probably get a lot of backlash for this. The topic is VERY difficult to write about without using stereotypes and words that we don’t necessarily “like” to use, but in order to write it I could not find a way NOT to resort to using the stereotypes.  I hope you will read first, and understand I am really trying to explain MY concept of answering this often-asked question. I am not intending to insult or disrespect ANYONE in any way, shape or form.  And I have tried to very delicately explain that this is just MY take on this topic, and is NOT the rule, may not be agreeable to anyone else. I am being very basic here, believe me we ALL KNOW there’s more to it than these basics, but for the sake of writing this piece I think I have to keep it to the old basic “stereotypes” for better understanding by a wider audience, please allow me a little lee-way here!  I would LOVE to see others write about this question and how they would answer it that is different from my thoughts below.  

The last post where i posed the question about Femme-Butch dynamics and the question about “why are Femme lesbians attracted to Butch lesbians, why not just date a man?” has spurred some very interesting and varying comments and input from my readers and Youtube audience. I love it! I like hear other peoples’ opinions and what they might say in return to the same question, opposed to what I would say myself.  It’s always great to get different perspectives and angles on any subject that interests me. 

I am going to boil down my answer to the question.  

My simple answer is “Well, they are both Lesbians, and lesbians are women who are attracted and have intimate, sexual relationships with other women.”

Now the particulars are in the pudding of the question.  The “asker” (if asked seriously by someone who truly doesn’t understand the Butch-Femme relationship dynamic and is truly curious for an answer. For sake of argument imagine someone close to you, who you love and respect asking you this question in all seriousness) sees two women, one very feminine, “girly” looking, and one very masculine, rougher, “boyish” looking.  He/she wonders “why would a woman would want to be with another woman who LOOKS like a man, why not just be with a man if that’s what you like”.  It may sound screwed up to us inside the equation; those in the LGBTQ community, and especially those of us who live the Butch-Femme dynamic daily.  But let’s just look at what the “asker” is seeing and why the question isn’t always so “stupid” when asked seriously and with respect.

The “asker” sees the Butch as more of a “man” than as the woman that she truly is. Maybe it is her clothing, perhaps haircut, rougher hands, short nails, and the way she is read as very male much of the time. Maybe it’s the way she talks, the way she carries herself, that Butch swagger, the tattoos, or the steel toe boots.  Whatever the “asker” sees that leads them to wonder what woman would be attracted to a woman of Butch identity,  

This can and does confuse those who are not part of the LGBTQ community, (and even some who ARE part of our community).  What the “asker” doesn’t see are her soft heart, her compassion, her personality, the fact that she IS a woman, has female body parts and has experienced life as a woman – a Butch woman.  

The Femme she is dating embodies all of the more “Feminine” aspects of being female. She presents to the world much the same way that most non-Butch women present, as purely woman.  She may look “straight” (The old, “oh you can’t be a lesbian, you are too pretty!” scenario), may wear make up and have a well coiffed hairdo, long painted nails and wear much more colorful and stylish clothing.  

Femmes love the masculine energy of a Butch woman.  They love that she IS a woman, and that she is rough and tumble on the outside, but has a heart of gold, is caring, compassionate, tender, vulnerable to only her, and understands her in ways no other does.

As A Butch myself, I love the Feminine energy of a Femme woman. I love that she likes to look her best, not just for me, but every day when she step out that door. I love that she cries on my shoulder during sappy movies, the way her soft, smooth hand fits so good inside of my rough one.  I love the smell of her hair, she chose that scented shampoo just because she knew I would like it – and I would TELL her so.  I love that she gets honery, stomps her heels and would fight off the whole population of the women’s rest room just so I could piss in peace.  Yes, I could go on, but it’s those opposing forces that drive us as Butches and Femmes into each other’s arms.  It’s my need for Femme energy and her need for my Butch energy in the end that brings us together as a unit.

So in the end my basic answer to a serious asker, is that Femmes are attracted to the attributes of masculinity that are embodied by a Butch WOMAN.  It’s the fact that she IS a woman that is appealing in her masculinity. It’s the way she has her own style and way of carrying masculinity that particular way that she does.  It’s about 2 women loving one another, and their preference is for the more opposite of what they are themselves, because that energy appeals to them; speaks to their soul.   

Side notes:  Of course we all know that in the end relationships come down to personality and how well the two participants get along.  Over our life times our tastes go through a range of changes, morphing into new phases and new likes/dislikes along the way.  My example is me….In my 20’s I was very much looking at the prettiest girls, the “10’s” as we used to call them. I was into how a woman looked, I was young, eager and maybe a bit shallow.  At 30 I matured. Who cares about a few extra pounds anyway?  I began to date women who made me laugh, who I enjoyed the company of and who were not just arm candy.  I fell in love with a wonderful, intelligent, witty, cute and sexy woman that I would not have given a second look to at 25!  She captured my heart and soul for 14 years…At 50 I am now interested in people; yes mostly very Femme women are my preference.  But they have to be intelligent, have a great sense of humor, be tolerant, caring, compassionate, and a dozen other things that I never thought about back in the days of hunting the 10’s.  I see the inside goods as well as the wrapping, and I am most interested in a combination of the two – a woman who likes to look her best, and is smart as a whip!  (she can even OWN a whip! lol).  I don’t think about sex first anymore, I think about what we each have to offer the other in ways of partnership, companionship and THEN sex!  🙂  

 

Femmes 

The Femme/Butch Question

So I get quite a few questions posed to me because of my Youtube channel and other internet venues I am involved in, one of the most common questions is “why do Femme lesbians want to date Butch lesbians? Why don’t they just date a man?” Of course this question is very irritating to me, and the explanation is so broad sometimes that it takes a hammer drill to get someone who doesn’t understand the dynamic to “get it”..

So when you are asked this question, or a question similarly worded regarding this, what do YOU say? I am about to make a new video addressing this, and am looking for some other input and perspectives on the topic.  I’m looking for more than the standard screw you if you don’t get it sort of response. I’d like to find a way to explain some of the dynamic and the attraction that would give a more serious answer to the question.  

Any input you have would be great!  I read every comment and response!  Thanks!

Butch Body Image

This topic was brought up on a video vlog by Whitney of Butch Talk on Youtube. I thought it was a great subject, and one that we do not discuss much, but which needs discussing.  Butches and body image, yes, we all have our own thoughts about our bodies.  Often I hear my trans friends discussing “dysphoria” or the discontentment they have with their bodies, body parts and how they deal with those thoughts.  Seldom do I hear this discussed in the Butch community, although I know as a Butch that we also suffer with dysphoric thoughts about our own bodies.  Sure, everyone probably does in some way, maybe they don’t like their teeth, or eyes, or nose, or weight…we’ve all got something that we can isolate on our bodies and say “hey, I wish that was different.”  

As a Butch lesbian I definitely experience body dysphoria quite often.  I will go out on a limb here and say that I believe that many Butches think about their bodies with some discontentment and discomfort, but we tend to talk less about it out of our own discomfort surrounding being masucline and perhaps being mis-labeled as transgendered.

When a Butch suggests that she would like to have no breasts, or smaller breasts, we often hear the old addage “oh, so you want to be a man.” or the question “Are you trans?” comes up.  And this opens up a whole new line of explanation that no, we don’t want to be a man, but we don’t care for our own breasts and would like to change that part of our body if it’s possible.  We just don’t care for the more female aspects of our Butch bodies, breasts seem to be singled out quite often in my experience.

Personally I present to the world as a very masculine female. I enjoy a certain degree of an androgenous look, just because of how I am built to begin with.  Let me be clear though, while I would quickly change my body if I could,  I still do not wish to be a man.  Nor I do not wish to have a male body.  It’s just that I do not care for my own breasts as they are on me, and would be much more comfortable and far less self-conscious and less dysphoric with much smaller breasts, a flatter chest that isn’t the focal point of the middle of my body.  I don’t necessarily want to be “male chested” or to have a completely flat chest, but I would love to be able to have a reduction from my 36C’s to as small as I can go.  

I have been known to bind my chest, to use the underworks binders which I have purchased online at the recommendation of other Butch friends who have the same dislike for their chests.  Binders are very tight, they do the job quite nicely, but they also come with a certain degree of discomfort, make it hard to breath sometimes and have been known to do damage to one’s rib cage and constrict one’s diaphram dangerously.  I have gone to wearing good quality Nike sports bras, they make ones that are specifically for compression even. They’re much more comfortable, and while not flattening me to the point that the binder does, they do the job quite nicely.  I’m fine with having some breasts, just not the larger ones I was unfortunate to inherit with my genetics!  

I also wish I were taller. I’m a short, fairly squarely built kind of Butch.  I envy those with some good height.  I would love to be about 5′ 7″ instead of 5′ 3″ish.  …another piece of my own personal  body dysphoria.  

The chances of me doing anything about changing my body are slim to none.  The breast reduction surgery, unless it’s covered at some point by insurance down the road, is just too expensive for me to justify.  I am fine with just dealing with what I’ve been given, and feeling blessed that I am healthy and happy in life.  Yeah, they may be a pain in the brain, but it’s more important to me that I am healthy overall and there are just so many other things that I have to worry about that are just more important to me on a personal level than getting too wrapped up in my body dysphroia.  I will continue to focus on those things that I do like about myself, and focus on just trying to look good sporting the stalky little body I was given to work with through life.  It’s not sooo bad…I can deal with it.  

Now I do know that some people who get body dysphoria really bad cannot deal with it such as I have chosen to do.  I realize that my dysphoria is probably mild compared to the suffering that some go through with their bodies. I feel for them, I wish it were easier and less of a fiasco to have body corrections done.  Perhaps that day will come, with constant medical advancements things are changing every day. We just have to continue to believe and have hope for ourselves and others.  

In the meantime, I will live life to the best of my ability.  Be who I am, just as I am.  I’ll keep trying to look into the mirror and remind myself that I am a good Butch with a good heart and that counts more in the long run.  

A Moment of Reflection

So much happens in the world, and inside my freaking mind, that I would love to find the time and energy to write my thoughts about, but it seems that I can never put the two – time and energy – together when I am in that right frame of mind to write.  I am sure other bloggers out there understand what I mean. Just when you are entrenched in a good topic that’s got you blazing the paper’s edges, and breaking pen tips, something NEW happens that throws your thought process right out the window. What’s more pertinent, staying on the topic I am already on, or attacking this new “issue” or “event” that has spurned some strong emotional and intellectual responses, right away?  Yes, it’s a blogger’s thought process nightmare.  

It seems that the older I get the faster this world spins.  Of course I know perfectly well that it is not spinning any faster than it was when I entered it in 1962. Although the more years I put between today and 1962 the smaller each days percentile becomes thus giving the illusion in my brain of the world moving faster by the day. If you understand what I am saying, you are definitely good!  🙂  

The last few years have been years of some pretty major events in this world.  Mostly tragic and horrific things like super storms, inextinguishable fires, rampant madness and murder, bombings, explosions, and freak weather conditions.  Each seeming to run in to quickly take over from the last major “event”…and it just packs the mind with so much thought and a plethera of emotion that is sometimes difficult to figure out because with today’s social media and split second news reports, instantaneous information and reporting of events is so common place that if it takes more than an hour to become world headlines someone definitely turned off the internet to make that happen.

I think that growing up during the decades that I did was a blessing and a privilege for me.  It gave me the opportunity to live through and experience some very profound events in this world.  The walking on the moon, a continuously advancing space program – although I will never understand the justification of what we spend on space travel and research when there are still SO MANY problems right here on Mother Earth that could use far more attention than the question of if we can sustain life on Mars.  

Yes, if I think of all the wild, cool and incredible things that have happened during my lifetime alone it amazes me.  The bringing down of the Berlin Wall – I was bass fishing in western Massachusetts at that very moment.  Yes, astounding, unique moments in life and in the world’s history.  And I have been blessed to live my life during these seemingly packed decades of great world history and events.

There were those tragic moments as well.  Such as 9-11-01 when terrorism brought the Twin Towers to the ground, thousands of lives lost, and heroes made in mere moments.  I was standing on the roof of the barn we were building contemplating the importance of what I was doing, compared to the importance of what was happening in the world. Hammers silenced, I stood frozen with grief for my fellow citizens, their loss and the loss of innocence in America on that very day; I cried for real that day.

So this is just me contemplating where I stand today, and the view from here.  Wondering what all these things have done to me, how they have all been part of forming how I think, who I am and where I find myself today. Sometimes it’s just good to take a look at your life, to think about things, and see what’s important; what’s been important, and what will continue to be important to each of us, always.  

Just some of my many thoughts. Thanks for stopping by, for reading my blog and also thanks to those of you who watch my videos on Youtube, your support and encouragement mean a lot to me always.  Peace.