Life Update – Youtube Update

Hello!  For those of you who follow my videos online on Youtube:

I am having major camera and computer issues at this time. I will have them corrected this week for sure and will be back strong with a full month of daily videos (Video Every Day for May) as promised in my last video post.  

It seems as if every electronic device in my life is trying to break or go wacky lately.  My phone, the webcam, the computers….but alas, my computer guy is coming out to the house to deal with the computer issue I believe on Friday.  I’ll have the phone fixed tomorrow and the web-cam…well that is still up in the air as of now.  But I will find some way to film and post, don’t worry I am a “fixer” and this too I shall FIX!  

As far as a basic life update…everything is going okay!  I can’t complain at all. The weather in Maine has been absolutely gorgeous for days on end now, in the low 70’s and very very comfortable!  

I even got out and got the lawn all raked, and mowed, the place looks great!  Next comes my flowers and the veggie garden – which I have procured all of the necessary materials to make a nice raised bed garden for free!  Got to love my local friends and connections, seems they have lots of stuff laying around they want to give away to be re-purposed!  I got lumber from the farm and all I will need will be some good growing soil, which I know I can also scam up pretty easily.  I’m really looking forward to growing my own veggies and herbs this year.  It will be my 2nd full summer in this home, and it’s time for a veggie garden!  Gardening, both flowers and veggies, is a passion of mine.  I love the feel of the dirt, and the satisfaction of knowing that I can create with plants to my hearts content. It’s good for the soul.

Nola is doing wonderful. She got over her loneliness for her friend in all of one day. She’s been very very stuck to me, as usual and I’ve been making sure she’s getting plenty of attention and we are doing things like walks to keep her sharp.  I decided against another dog to keep her company, just because I cannot afford the vet bills and care!  It’s enough to have one, and she enjoys being an “only child” I believe.  Hell, she gets 100% of my attention!  

I have 2 events coming up for my photo button booth and bracelets.  Both in June, so June should be a better month.  I love doing the fairs and festivals, and it excites me when the season comes around!  I am hoping to schedule to be at as many of the local events as possible.  

My health is great, meds are doing their job and I am basically happy and healthy.  Yay!  So that’s the wrap on what’s been going on lately.  I do hope that each of you, my dear readers, are doing well also!  Take care and enjoy Spring!  ~MainelyButch

Vulnerable Thoughts

I feel the need to write.  Just write.  I can’t pull a particular topic out of my head, but here I am in front of the WordPress posting page…again.

The past few weeks have been strange and enlightening to me. I’m going through some kind of inner “shift” I believe.  Notions I took for granted just aren’t proving to be true.  I keep my emotions pretty locked down and close to the vest, so to speak.  I am not one to just lay them out on my sleeve for the world to see.  That makes one too vulnerable…and we all know how we hate vulnerability (especially Butches!).  But I have to get some stuff out and it may make me vulnerable in ways I will be uncomfortable with, but hey, what the hell.

One of the biggest things I am questioning is love and relationships.  What the hell IS a relationship in today’s cyber techie world anyways!?  Online anyone can tell you anything and you have only gut feeling to believe them, you can develop feelings that you don’t know if they are true or not until you come face-to-face with someone, you can have some incredible experiences and once in a while a bummer experience.  But it’s all part of the package of “chance” that we take in relationships.  And I never regret experience, it’s what makes each of us who we are every day. 

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  The old adage goes.  

So, I am thinking that I am no longer going to be looking for “Ms. Right” but more for more experiences with more people.  In other words, I am not going to play the game of monogamy any longer. (Although, there is one woman, in Utah, that I WOULD go back to monogamy with but unless she comes back into my life, the chance of that is slim to none.)  

What does this mean?  I don’t want to say it means I am poly-amorous, but maybe it does.  I am not sure.  I know that I have interests, a few of them.  I get different things; different satisfactions from each of them individually and I like that aspect very much.  I’ve been struggling with this issue for a little while now, and as I ramble I am still struggling.  I don’t want to be tied down to one woman indefinitely, that’s the plain and simple point.  There are many reasons – some valid and some probably not so valid – that I am going in this direction and have been for some time.  I feel a bit vulnerable in saying it publicly, but I have been pretty honest with my blogs and my readers, so I am putting this out there.  

Love is a very broad subject, and has many means of manifesting in our lives.  I have love for many people, many various kinds of love.  I have never been “good” with a monogamous lifestyle, although I have tried several times with some fantastic partners, each of whom I still love and respect immensely to this day.  Each contributed to who I am and I thank them deeply for their contributions to my life.

I haven’t been open with many about my choice to keep my dating style “open”…and those I have, have been a little wierded out by it…but I don’t know how else to explain it to anyone. I just am tired of restricting myself, and then you start dating someone and figure out that it’s not all that and the bag of chips you thought it was, so you want to move on a bit, but someone always seems to be hurt.  I think in keeping myself on an “open relationship” type status that perhaps some of this will be avoided because I will date only those others who are on that same page.  

Period

Writing is an outlet for me, it’s where I can just get things out of my head for a few minutes. But sometimes you have to have self-restraint, self-control and let logic play a part in your posts.  While I want go OFF I am going to let it go pretty quickly here.  I can’t allow myself to be bullied into regret.  And what I would like to post would only cause me to scold myself later, thus regret.  Yes, somethings are best left unsaid and private. This is one of those times.  And while I won’t lie down to be dragged through the mud, I will first contemplate my words so that they are clearly understood.  I hold no animosity, only sadness that some have to let their words be weapons intended to hurt and I in turn let them hurt.

Each of us, as humans, choose our own road.  No one drags us down them.  And no one can call our direction except us.  I dictate my own direction, and if I am not into something I am not going to pretend that I am and fake it…I am going to just move on, and try to do so without causing a lot of commotion while doing so. I don’t think that I owe anyone else an reason beyond the fact that I’m just not as interested as I thought I was, do I?  You know that feeling of starting something that you feel you are into, then after you do it a while you see – after further interaction – that it’s just not your cup of tea; thus you just don’t feel the need to keep doing it?  Yeah, that’s it.  That’s what happened with me, and now I am being ridiculed for my own personal feelings, and having my character attacked…that just isn’t right.  And now it’s time to just let it go.  Nothing can be un-done, nothing can be repaired, and nothing can be said that would further either side’s idea of what happened, or what is right or wrong.  Period.