Darker Side

My primary and most favorite web-cam, Logitech 920, is BROKEN, thus I am having issues vlogging on my Youtube channel this week.  I have writers block…can’t seem to get any words to come out right lately, thus I’m behind on my written blog as well.  It’s just a week of being behind the proverbial 8 ball.  Yesterday was lost to a fucking major migraine headache, one from which hell was derived. Ugh…what a week.

Ever have one of those weeks where nothing seems to be on-target in your life?  Yes, it’s been a busy enough week; one where i have had to swallow my pride and step outside my comfort zone on a couple of occasions.  I just hope it’s all worth it, and I can get myself into a good slide for a while.

I am a very simply, complicated Butch.  I like things neat and orderly in my life.  That includes my surrounds, dishes in the sink, clothes in my draws and general area surrounding my sometimes uncomfortable body.  I like things to be concise and clear, no gray areas.  If you mean it say it, if you don’t mean it then shut the fuck up.  I have some serious Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder going on most of the time, my reactions are not always what they “should” be or what might be expected.  I can be quite non-committal on most things and I know this can drive some people nuts.  My stoic attitude just comes with the territory of my personality.  It takes some serious shit to get me stirred up.  This can often times generally be the cause of most of my adversity with others in my life – I don’t act or react to their liking.  

I like being on my own; being alone and doing whatever I feel like doing at any given moment, on any given day.  I’m kind of in the middle of thinking very hard about that and about what my wants and desires for my life going forward exactly ARE lately.  It seems that one day you have things figured out, then something happens and while you try to get back to the figured out part, something is just out of sync afterwards.  Ok, so the problem is that I should be thinking hard, but honestly I am not putting very much effort into it at all.  smh…grrrr

Emotion is a difficult thing for me overall.  And over the years of my life I think I have even hardened up a bit more in that department.  Like I said, it takes some major shit…or simply a picture of an abused animal….to get me riled up or upset.  I think that’s a good thing, but it also works the opposite, where I don’t jump into feelings of good very quickly either.  Perhaps I am an anomaly; some twisted version of emotional fucked-up-ness.  (I know that’s not a real word, deal with it.)  

I didn’t realize that I so enjoyed my alone time quite so much until recent months.  While I do enjoy human company as well, I like it to be on my terms.  Yeah, I am also greedy with my personal time.  I think I want a relationship, but then all the reality of having someone there on a daily basis, in my space, sets in and I balk.  Not only do I balk, but I can punt, bunt, and kick the proverbial ball away too.  It’s not funny.  But you can laugh, go ahead!  I am.  

I like simple things. I enjoy my morning coffee and a good strong smoke.  I like my music loud, my dog quiet and my world organized and manageable.  I like a challenge, but not an impossible task.  Depending upon the day, I could be in a really good mood and laughing, or I could be a grouch of giant proportion.  Good thing I learned years ago when I could add a touch of alcohol to that mess and when not to do so!

Luckily I got the violent side of me out years ago, and now I am pretty much settled in to just being a dick head mostly.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a place for some mildly violent play  – just now it’s done with safe words!

Maybe this blog doesn’t make a lot of sense today…my head is just about to explode with excess crap.  So there you go readers, a peek into the slightly darker side of MainelyButch.

 

Advertisements

Author: MainelyButch

I am a pretty relaxed, proud, Butch and a native Mainer who enjoys reading, writing, blogging, vlogging and social interaction. I live in southern Maine, near the coast with my 2 small dogs and I hail from a very large, loving family that is historically rooted here. I write about my life, my experiences, living successfully with HIV, my YouTube experiences, and just about anything that piques my interest. This blog may contain profanity and sexual situations, and is not intended for younger audiences. Read at your own risk. At 54 I see life as just beginning a new chapter, and have decide this is the time that I need to write the stories that got me to this point. I believe we live our lives in chapters, changing, evolving and moving continuously with the times. I love to laugh, have discussions, debates and even the occasional nonsense conversation! I generally enjoy people, but not drama, hatred, ignorance or those who choose to feel they are somehow elite or superior to another simply due to their mere existence. I try to be very conscious of the health of the world around me - environmentally, socially, economically, and ethically. The people who are dear to me know me as having a tough exterior, filled with marshmallow and crunchy peanut butter. I continually strive to be the best I can be, especially to address life head on...always.

4 thoughts on “Darker Side”

  1. Everyone has a dark side so it takes courage to put it all out there. I also like my alone/personal time and there are many that don’t understand that and many that demand more from you than you are Willjg to give. But I always have to check my self, take a breath and realize that having people in your life is what makes life full. Full if love and friendships and also full of challenges and heartache, but that is life and that is living. I always enjoy you blobs and blogs!!

  2. I know exactly how you feel its like looking in a miror when i read this i understand everything you wrote it is just like me smokes and coffee included . we deserve happiness i hope you find it i am still searching dont be so hard on your self peace

  3. Yeah, Becky is right. Billy Joel once put this in a song: The Stranger. My dark side came out many years ago, in 1978, when my mother died. She was 47, I was 23 at the time. I was in DEEP pain and darkness for YEARS. It didn’t really get better until 1995, at age 40, when I met my wife Maggie. Long-term, intimate relationships are really difficult sometimes, but you have to be willing to COMPROMISE a LOT. As I’ve heard people say, “pick your battles wisely”….and let the other stuff go. It’s not easy to learn that, but otherwise you might end up old and alone. NOT a pretty picture!

Leave Your Feedback!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s