Crazy Insomniac Rambles

Some nights I get insomnia like a mother fucker.  Just can’t get to sleep no matter what I do.  I know it’s my brain full of noise; ticking away at problems, thoughts and life happenings.  I tend to worry about things and sometimes it does no good to worry, I just need to learn to let those chips fall where they may.

So much going on in my life at the given moment.  Had to quit my job or lose my much needed health insurance benefits.  I liked working again, it sucked to have to quit.  I enjoyed my coworkers, my clientele and the whole fun atmosphere of the bowling alley.  It was a pretty easy job, and I managed to stay busy, despite the boring times when everyone else stood around and complained.  I found things to do; things that needed doing but others were too busy standing around complaining about being bored.  But all in all, the job suited my needs quite well and got me out and about several days a week.  I am going to miss that. And I’ll miss the extra money.  But with my chronic health issues I cannot afford to lose my insurance coverage, any of it.  So I had to make the choice between getting my life-saving medications and working a few hours a week…thus I had to quit.  It was the rational and logical choice

My personal life is in turmoil.  I have an ex here that is leaving after I return from a short vacation. She’s being gracious enough to wait and babysit Nola and the house while I am gone for 5 days.  I appreciate that.  But the tension is palpable, and it’s not going to be easy to see her go – as a friend I have gotten quite attached and Nola is madly in love with her dog.  I actually worry more about Nola going into depression on me over losing her buddy than I am about myself.

I’m skeptical and confused about the “love” word lately.  As much as I would like to be “in” love again I can literally feel myself pushing back from the words.  Sooo much has happened over the last 6 months, and it’s all weighing on my mind and has me quite flustered inside. 

I’m going to go to Florida in a couple of days to meet a woman I am interested in and see how that works out.  I have done a lot of thinking and had many conversations with others about how we tend to meet potential dates or partners online and we develop these online affairs, but you never really know what it really is until you are face-to-face and spending some time together in real life, if it’s going to be something that will work; something with chemistry and spark.  I was really getting attached to this woman via online communications, Skype and emails, but then some crazy crap got in the way and I’ve found, in reconnecting, that I have kind of backed up a notch and am waiting to see if what I feel is real or just some online torrid affair of the heart and keyboard.  She’s a peach for sure, very pretty and very intelligent and quite a catch.  She has her own stuff going on, and I have mine.  If we come together and it works, then great, if not then I will consider that I have made a very good friend and confidant. 

The pressure of going there to meet her weighs heavily on me.  I am afraid that I am expected to be some super Butch with great sexual prowess, and I’m scared of not being able to emotionally or physically live up to those expectations.  But I am pulling up my Butch briefs and going there to meet her, because that’s what I WANT to do and I need to know for sure what is there with us. 

I know I am worrying and wondering way too much.  But it’s my nature I guess.  I must try to get some sleep and rest this weary body!  It’s not Butch to be all exhausted and tired, and you know I am Butch!

Darker Side

My primary and most favorite web-cam, Logitech 920, is BROKEN, thus I am having issues vlogging on my Youtube channel this week.  I have writers block…can’t seem to get any words to come out right lately, thus I’m behind on my written blog as well.  It’s just a week of being behind the proverbial 8 ball.  Yesterday was lost to a fucking major migraine headache, one from which hell was derived. Ugh…what a week.

Ever have one of those weeks where nothing seems to be on-target in your life?  Yes, it’s been a busy enough week; one where i have had to swallow my pride and step outside my comfort zone on a couple of occasions.  I just hope it’s all worth it, and I can get myself into a good slide for a while.

I am a very simply, complicated Butch.  I like things neat and orderly in my life.  That includes my surrounds, dishes in the sink, clothes in my draws and general area surrounding my sometimes uncomfortable body.  I like things to be concise and clear, no gray areas.  If you mean it say it, if you don’t mean it then shut the fuck up.  I have some serious Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder going on most of the time, my reactions are not always what they “should” be or what might be expected.  I can be quite non-committal on most things and I know this can drive some people nuts.  My stoic attitude just comes with the territory of my personality.  It takes some serious shit to get me stirred up.  This can often times generally be the cause of most of my adversity with others in my life – I don’t act or react to their liking.  

I like being on my own; being alone and doing whatever I feel like doing at any given moment, on any given day.  I’m kind of in the middle of thinking very hard about that and about what my wants and desires for my life going forward exactly ARE lately.  It seems that one day you have things figured out, then something happens and while you try to get back to the figured out part, something is just out of sync afterwards.  Ok, so the problem is that I should be thinking hard, but honestly I am not putting very much effort into it at all.  smh…grrrr

Emotion is a difficult thing for me overall.  And over the years of my life I think I have even hardened up a bit more in that department.  Like I said, it takes some major shit…or simply a picture of an abused animal….to get me riled up or upset.  I think that’s a good thing, but it also works the opposite, where I don’t jump into feelings of good very quickly either.  Perhaps I am an anomaly; some twisted version of emotional fucked-up-ness.  (I know that’s not a real word, deal with it.)  

I didn’t realize that I so enjoyed my alone time quite so much until recent months.  While I do enjoy human company as well, I like it to be on my terms.  Yeah, I am also greedy with my personal time.  I think I want a relationship, but then all the reality of having someone there on a daily basis, in my space, sets in and I balk.  Not only do I balk, but I can punt, bunt, and kick the proverbial ball away too.  It’s not funny.  But you can laugh, go ahead!  I am.  

I like simple things. I enjoy my morning coffee and a good strong smoke.  I like my music loud, my dog quiet and my world organized and manageable.  I like a challenge, but not an impossible task.  Depending upon the day, I could be in a really good mood and laughing, or I could be a grouch of giant proportion.  Good thing I learned years ago when I could add a touch of alcohol to that mess and when not to do so!

Luckily I got the violent side of me out years ago, and now I am pretty much settled in to just being a dick head mostly.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a place for some mildly violent play  – just now it’s done with safe words!

Maybe this blog doesn’t make a lot of sense today…my head is just about to explode with excess crap.  So there you go readers, a peek into the slightly darker side of MainelyButch.

 

A MainelyButch Ramble about Privacy…

Our online privacy is a joke.  If you are online in any way you have no real privacy without some dedicated work to hiding your identity in the first place.

I have been vlogging about Youtube and online privacy lately.  (Link)  and today one of my favorite fellow bloggers, Vulnerable Verbiage (Link) spoke in her blog about online identity and privacy and how our online presence affects us as far as employment and things like that goes. 

I’m an online blogger and vlogger.  The past 4 years I have established and developed a sort of online presence via Youtube, Facebook and WordPress.  All are tied closely together, and my identity is a known thing.  My face is a known face and my Butch Perspectives are known as well.  It’s something I chose personally to do.  It’s not easy sometimes, to separate my truly personal life from my online life, but I do manage to keep some things close to the vest, having only a few very close friends who known all of me…or more of me is more like it. 

Online I think sometimes people view me as the bad ass stone Butch from Maine that seems to always have an opinion, can take some constructive criticizing comments and keep a level head.  What they don’t see is the softer side of MainelyButch that fights depression, anxiety and other adversity every fucking day.   What is seen and what is written about are snippets of my real life, small nuggets of either stupidity, sillines or my tweaked form of “wisdom” of life.  But they are not always near the real me in truth.

I can tell you a story of long ago, of a kid that knew it was about to be a hard walk even before I stepped out of the front door of my parents’ home and into the adult world on my own; who joined the Army in an attempt to escape dealing with emotional issues that still led to addiction and self-sabotage and much near self-destruction.  I could tell you stories of acid trips and eating smelts that appeared to be looking at me with dead eyes and laughing.  (fishy fishy…)  There were drunken nights drinking Tequilla in Juarez Mexico that garner a solid chapter in a book, let alone the Jack days in Germany…  Then there were times of me trying to pull it together in recovery and rehabilitation and a changing of attitudes toward the world and myself.  The bottles still hang around the house, but my consumption is far less these days.

Today I drink too much coffee, smoke a few too many Newports and swear like a fucking sailor.  I collect knives, talk in a funny voice to the dog, and bon fires turn me on…or at least make me make the Butch grunting noise a lot. Some days I pack, most I don’t.  I can be lazy, crack stupid jokes and be a fool sometimes.  I gain weight like a black bear in winter, and I shed it come spring when I emerge from my Butch cave.   I can work like a dog, or sleep like a dog, and given the right circumstances, fuck like a bunny…  I despise authority, yet can be pretty personally authoritative. 

Yeah, there’s a lot known about me via my videos.  But there’s a lot more that’s still unknown…unless I disclose it in some way. 

I learned not to worry about what people think too much, and even less about what they say about me.  Some of the personal relationships I have formed due to my online presence are priceless.  I’ve made some great connections and I’ve also met some weirdos along the journey…just like in face to face daily life!

I didn’t really get into the internet craze until the end of my professional career, so I never gave the work issue much thought, and I don’t plan on going to work for any large company who would ever care about my online life…but I can definitely see where online doings would be different if I were to consider employment with someone who cared

I have much respect for Vulnerable Verbiages choice to remain anonymous to the world…but personally I’d love to know who she is…guess it’s the curious Butch in me… 

(above is sheerly conjecture and my personal ramblings…take it with a grain of salt…and an oxy…LOL

Identifying as Butch: Butch Perspectives

I am Butch.  I identify myself as Butch.  Some may call is a “label”, I call it my identity; my gender.  There will always be arguments about “labels” within the LGBT community, no matter what not everyone uses them or identifies with any particular group or sub-group.  That’s a personal choice.  A choice I have made and every individual must make for themselves.  I get that.  And those who do not “like” or use labels should get that about me, it’s my freedom to call myself Butch, and it’s yours to choose not to.  Yes, it’s a choice, and no matter what anyone says about liking or not liking them, they will continue to use them on me and others, and claim they themselves do not “need” a label.  I don’t “need” one either, but I have choosen one that describes me; that identifies me to others, and that others can somewhat understand in the grand scheme of things. Butch.  If you don’t choose a label for yourself, an identity, then what or who ARE you?  Not Butch, nor Femme, nor tomboy, nor trans, nor gay, nor straight, nor bisexual, nor…whatever….or perhaps I am confused…oh, you DO Identify as lesbian?  Is that not a “label” in some books?  Don’t slam my choice, and I won’t slam yours.

The group Butch Perspectives was formed with the perspective and the label of “Butch” fully in mind.  It’s mere conception by me on FB that is targeted directly towards those like me who do identify as Butch and who seek friendship and dialogue with other Butch identified individuals. 

I, like everyone, cannot foresee what conversations will come up on line.  I don’t know what any one person will identify as, and I was hoping that by being very specific on the “Butch” Perspectives I would not have to get into discussing “labels” once again.  But, alas, here I am typing away in an attempt to clarify my position – which is generally the position of the group page.  Like any creator, I have a vision, a vision of a place where Butches can feel at home, comfortable and not threatened by their expressions of what it’s like for them, or us, to live in this world.  Where conversation, debate, laughter and dialogue can freely and openly take place; where friends are made and friendly relationships are formed.

Butch Perspectives is not a place to have all out arguments about what it IS or ISN’T to be Butch.  It’s a space for those who identify already, or are starting to identify as masculine of center and/or Butch.  It’s not a space where we welcome Femmes or those who don’t really “get” it…there are lots of other spaces across the web where those conversations and arguments are already happening.  (Personally I avoid those spaces). 

This is not to say that I personally govern what it means to be Butch for any person other than myself. But I am seeking participation of women who DO identify as masculine of center, as well as those who identify as Butch in their own rights.  We each have our own personal conception of what that means, and for those who understand what I am trying to convey here, it should be no problem. 

I recently posted a video by a friend of mine in California, TheSloFox, from Youtube – another very active social networking venue for me.  In the video West speaks of that rather “grayish” area of being perhaps “Trans-Butch” where some days it’s one, and others it’s the other.  I can truly relate to this aspect of being Butch, and it is perhaps the reason I am very trans-friendly and understand my FtM brothers on a little deeper level.  At the end of the day, I am most definitely a very masculine of center – Butch – individual.  It’s nothing I was taught, it’s how I was born, how I matured and how I walk this world.  I defend my right to live as I feel comfortable, just as I would defend my friends’ rights to do the same. 

As far as group rules or guidelines…let’s all play nice.  Discussion and dialogue is encouraged as long as it does not ridicule another, cause serious group discomfort or appear to be outwardly misogynistic.  Open, honest and even controversial conversations are welcome, but be a gentle-Butch and please use manners.