Day in and day out, things basically remain the same. I feel pretty lost most days lately; just like I am going through the motions most of the time. I know it’s stupid, but I feel winter coming and it just sucks my zest for life of any kind right out of me. Of course, the last month has totally sucked…too many negative things happened to me all at once from hitting the dog to having to ask my renter to get out. Just makes things a little more difficult for a while, but I figure I will eventually bounce back onto my feet…always seems to happen that way!
In the meantime, I do have those things that sustain me. My reading – I do love to read and love to learn on a sort of psychotic plane. I can suck up hours of Discovery Channel or History Channel without even realizing the day has gone by me. The useless facts in my brain are quite numerous. Then there are the number of creative endeavors that I partake in; and when all else fails I beat on my djembe drum for a while just to make noise and get the frustration into some kind of rhythm.
I try to get out as much as I can. Some days my pain level keeps me home, some days the depression succeeds in keeping me in place. (Hoping the new meds will help this eventually). But living in rural southern Maine doesn’t offer much in the way of LGBT friendly spaces. We have no community center, or bars or clubs. Those all went the way of many of us getting sober in the early 90’s, after tearing the 80’s up as club kids and crazy 20 somethings. A decade to remember for sure…the parts of it I can remember! There are Meet Ups, but they are all centered down around Boston, an hour’s drive for me…and most of the time just more than I am able to muster for energy to go out alone to one of their meetings. I really should organize one of my own “Meet Up” meetings here in this area, I can’t be the only very frustrated LGBT person around here with this same problem!
Fall is here. It brings with it the need for necessary winterization tactics around the house. Preparing for winter and the dreaded snow season. I have the yard to tend to today, going to mow, thinking that the grass has slowed in growing so this just may be the last round of mowing. But there will be leaf removal soon to follow, once they all fall from the surrounding trees. And also some tree trimming (I love a good workout with the chainsaw!) and bush cut backs, garden turning and just general outside winterizing. Of course, there’s also putting in the driveway markers so that the snowplows don’t miss the mark – or me and my shovel will have guidelines. Inside I have to put up the window barrier plastic, which I do every year to save a few pennies on the oil and electricity bills. Every little bit helps when trying to keep a New England home warm and efficient during the really cold periods. I also have a ton of interior “projects” to keep me busy for quite a while. I got new paint for the living room – I’m only waiting because I have decided that the ceilings need a fresh coat as well, so I am going to need 2 gallons of ceiling paint and some thicker matt roller covers (yep, popcorn ceiling texture). But I should pick those up soon and be able to get going on freshening the room up. I chose a nice green color, light but not a limey green. And it’s a paint and primer mix, so I should only have to do one single coat. Ah, the advantages of a having a solid construction background combined with being Butch…great recipe for excellent home maintenance. Plus the use of power tools just turns me on.
There’s always a lot of talk about Femme invisibility, and it intrigues me. Sometimes I want to say to Femmes “wear some kind of fucking signal! Or even I think you are straight and miss the mark!” but I know that’s just wrong. Being so visibly – painfully so – Butch I often just miss the mark with Femmes and don’t fully “get” the invisibility thing – which I readily (albeit ashamedly) admit. It’s hard to comprehend when all your life you’ve felt like you stood out like a sore thumb. My Butchness often seems to “threaten” straight men which I also don’t fully “get” – although it makes me chuckle and secretly do an internal happy dance every damned time. I love it when I see a straight guy out with his girl cock-block a Butch who’s’ just walking by…too damned funny! Sometimes I even give the girl a second look just to fuck with the guy’s head. Why is the world so damned afraid of female masculinity?? Something that comes so freaking natural to me just can’t be that far out of the norm. It sure as hell feels completely normal to me.
Ok, this week has got to get started here…I have a LOT to get accomplished before Saturday morning! Going to be a busier week than normal, as I have a show on Saturday at the town festival. Got to get my wares ready, and make sure everything works! Have a great week my friends and readers! 🙂