Changing Tides

Life is a rapid fire series of changes, crisis, and wonder.  I’ve had more than my fair share of everything these last few weeks.  Yet today I woke up very early, and had a peace in my heart for a change.  See, I booted my renter because the negative energy, drunken stupidness and insensitive words he spewed at me 2 nights ago were just more than I could have in my life.  Sure, it’s going to make a huge financial adjustment inevitable, but I woke up this morning in peace; not dreading dealing with his irrational ass stupidity.  See, he’s one of those guys who thinks he’s “all that and a bag of Doritos” when he’s just an empty bag, a very empty bag.  HIs wanting to talk turned into a ball of threats, hostility and blatant disrespect.  This only reflects what he really thinks about himself; how truly he feels he himself is a total failure and has to try to make someone else feel “less than” so he can feel like a “man”, when he is merely an empty bag with no direction and no idea of where he himself is going.  I actually got a good look at how people “believe” their own personal lies, and fall victim to ego.  And a new resolve to make my life far better than it was when he was here.  Yes, I think I shall live alone for a while, no need to have a renter because the last 3 have been very wrong for me, so I am going to just go this on my own, and struggle through it.  I’ll be just fine, I feel it.

I was at a pretty low point yesterday after I got the renter out of here.  My only thoughts were focused on money and how I was going to manage the month.  Prior to knowing I would have to ask him to leave (after he started drinking on Sunday and morphing into an asshole) I had bought the paint for the living room, loaned a friend some money, and made some other purchases to move things along, that I would not have done this month had I had the knowledge that this would pan out this way.  But, it’s done and I will have to scrimp and figure it out as I go for the rest of the month.  I have to say, I was pretty low and feeling stuck.  But a Facebook friend who lives locally contacted me, sensed my despair and offered to stop over for a short visit.  At first I hesitated, then I said why not, come on over.  It turned out to be just what I needed.  We enjoyed a nice conversation, coffee and a little weed – something I haven’t done in a long time.  But my pain levels are high and I am no longer on pain medications at all.  So it was a great visit and really helped improve my day! I was happy that I hadn’t, again, pushed someone away.  I have a bad habit of doing just that, which I must break immediately.  

I am saddened by the distancing of the girl I care for very much down south.  It was her choice.  It’s kind of a pattern with us, she gets irritated that I have other friends who are women, and all hell breaks loose.  It aggravates me but there’s a point where I am just not going to be bossed around about who I associate with on a friendship level.  It’s not right, not fair and the situation is she is THERE and I am HERE.  I’m not going to just sit and wait forever for something that may never even materialize, for a full range of reasons.  We choose to be exactly where we are in the world, physically, financially, and socially.  I have chosen to be here in Maine, very consciously so, and this is where I shall remain.  While I mourn the loss of even the friendship, I am well aware of the reasoning.  One can only stay frustrated for so long before they need to decide one way or the other what is best for them personally.  I respect her decision and hope she finds love and light there where she’s chosen to be.  She’s a strong woman, and lives in a tough place, but it’s her comfort zone, and we all like to stay protected in our comfort zones, that’s a natural thing.

So, in closing, the last 3 weeks have been damnation and hellfire.  But today I am a new person.  I am on a mission to not be in a funk any longer and to find what I need in my life.  It’s out there, I just need to take it and make it mine.  I’m not disillusioned that this will be an easy run, but baby-steps will get me there, and I am finding the energy to make those steps, one by one.  LIfe is challenging to everyone, I am not special by any means, but only I am in charge of my path and at the start of each day it’s only me that can make things happen to make tomorrow just a little better.  Be well dear readers.  Peace.

 

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Author: MainelyButch

I am a pretty relaxed, proud, Butch and a native Mainer who enjoys reading, writing, blogging, vlogging and social interaction. I live in southern Maine, near the coast with my 2 small dogs and I hail from a very large, loving family that is historically rooted here. I write about my life, my experiences, living successfully with HIV, my YouTube experiences, and just about anything that piques my interest. This blog may contain profanity and sexual situations, and is not intended for younger audiences. Read at your own risk. At 54 I see life as just beginning a new chapter, and have decide this is the time that I need to write the stories that got me to this point. I believe we live our lives in chapters, changing, evolving and moving continuously with the times. I love to laugh, have discussions, debates and even the occasional nonsense conversation! I generally enjoy people, but not drama, hatred, ignorance or those who choose to feel they are somehow elite or superior to another simply due to their mere existence. I try to be very conscious of the health of the world around me - environmentally, socially, economically, and ethically. The people who are dear to me know me as having a tough exterior, filled with marshmallow and crunchy peanut butter. I continually strive to be the best I can be, especially to address life head on...always.

2 thoughts on “Changing Tides”

  1. life is change, and some good and some bad, just go with the flow, you will have what you need this month, just believe your needs will be met. plus you are special to me. take care my butchy friend.

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