General Blips

“Daddy” and Children in Lesbian Relationships

I did a video at the request of a dear friend today, it addresses my thoughts and views on children calling one of the women in a lesbian relationship “Daddy”, as in being expected to view that woman as the “Daddy” in the situation, and attaching all of the meaning of that word to that woman.  Now, I am speaking of woman to woman relationships, Butch – Femme or not.  As a Butch that identifies as a woman also, I am not speaking of the use of it in a situation involving one individual being FTM, or a transguy. THAT I view very differently, and am not opposed to the practice of using “Daddy” in that realm at all.

But, in a lesbian relationship, let’s face it folks, we are both women.  And there is no “Daddy” in the picture.  And calling a person who identifies as a woman “Daddy” can be just plain confusing to a young person, and to that young person’s friends – who WILL question him/her about it at some point, posing an awkward discussion at the least.  I know, some people practice this, and hey, it’s their personal business, but I can’t help but just wonder what the reasoning behind this practice really IS for them, and if they consider the future difficulties this could cause for the child/children.  

I have a little dog companion, Nola.  Now, often I tell Nola “I’m the bestest Daddy, huh Nola?” and other endearing things referring to me as her “Daddy”…then 10 minutes later I do some weird sort of inner virtual switch and become the “bestest Mommy”…it’s just a thing, with a non-verbal PET, that I have no idea why I started doing.  I think it’s harmless, the other neighborhood dogs are oblivious to the language between me and Nola – only Nola gets that!  And SHE is actually the bully of the neighborhood anyway!  LOL…I laugh, but seriously I have to rein her in quite frequently as she lets other animals in the vicinity know that some tiny part of her is full blooded wolf, and THIS is HER territory.  She’s so friggin cute.

Back to my original topic, and one I did a Youtube vlog yesterday about: children calling one of the women in a lesbian relationship “Daddy”…I know this is controversial, and that some people think that I am wrong to even think that this shouldn’t happen.  But the word Daddy is one used for males in situations raising children for the most part.  It has a meaning and is conceived by society to be proper to use for that man who represents a father to the child.  When two women are raising children, what do the children call them?  May I suggest Mom and Mommy, or maybe some other affectionate term like Pookie??  Why would one want to be called “Daddy” by a child if she is a female identity?  I may be Butch, and I may ride the line towards masculinity very hard, but I don’t want a kid calling me “Daddy” because I don’t want that child to be confused, teased, have to explain or be expected to deal with any range of other issues that can come up.  I just don’t want to put that burden on any child.  Gender is confusing enough, especially when you are growing up, and making it more confusing just isn’t something I want to be involved in.  

I’m curious about the various views on this topic of my readers.  Leave me a comment below about how you handle or would handle this situation in your own life.  I am not judging anyone, we are all free to do as we please and see fit, and this is just my personal opinion on this subject.  

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15 thoughts on ““Daddy” and Children in Lesbian Relationships”

  1. Being a femme that calls her butch “Daddy” this topic caught my attention. I can see where it would be confusing with children. In my partners situation her son called her by name and the other partner in the relationship was mom when the child was little. No sense in confusing children that already have enough to deal with , having two females as parents and all. Now that the son is grown and I’m the new partner, I joke with the grown son and call him my brother. He sure doesnt need another parent and our relationship is truly more like siblings. It works because he was raised by two females that showed him to be fluid with the world and not get hung up on labels. Now our fur children only know my partner as Daddy so they will just have to deal with any issues that come up with that at the dog park because it is what it is. 🙂

  2. I’m going to be honest and say that I’ve not had children old enough in my life to actually have to deal with this. It’s a great question for people to pose though, before causing confusion to a child in a very unforgiving world full of bullies these days!

  3. I agree with you. Youtube has some weird ones:sarkazz is a stuck up bitch. I say you are entitled to your opinion. I am black and white that is my ethnic background. So i am sorry sarkazz brought race into the subject. As i said before i thank you for being you. You don’t owe her or anyone else an apology. Kick ass mainelybutch hahaha! your friend in florida Cal (: I am eventually gonna post some vids on my channel. But for now it is just some music.enjoy!

  4. Fortunately I got to see the video in question and unfortunately you felt pressured to pull it down. I do not agree with one of the partners being called “Daddy” by the children. No. That is bad form for the kids growing up and will confuse an already delicate situation. Mom and Mommy work, Ma and Mom work or any other such combination but Daddy is reserved for a male in that capacity when it concerns children and nothing that is done now will change that.
    -S

  5. I love your respect for the child involved it is laudable. It’s rather like your neice calling you Uncle Ang!? Whaaaaaaaaaaaa exactly. your just Ang or Aunt Ang.

    Wow well I did have chldren with two mommies and that is exactly what we were called Momma Janet and Momma Laura…… or….. Mom. Since she had a child and I had two, my Step Daughter called me momma Janet, and her birth Mother (Laura)Mom. My children called Laura Momma Laura or Laura and me Mom. Calling Laura Dad would be weird! and I raised Christine from age 4 so I was often just Momma when she needed her Mommy. I still remember her ‘I love my two mommies’ shirt! All grown and well adjusted now having two Mommies proved to be a pefectly good parenting arrangement!

  6. I know this is over a year old but I totally disagree with this. My 14 year old son and 15 year old daughter have called me “Daddy” from the beginning and has not caused any confusion. It’s called “Talking to your children” about situations like these. Gosh it seems like Lesbians are scared of talking to their children. Wow.

    1. I’m glad u posted this!!! My son’s first word was daddy and that’s what he came up with by him self to call me. I will explain to him when he is older that I can a girl but the fact that he calls me daddy makes me proud!! He clearly sees what I do for him and how much I love him.

  7. I am a lesbian and was with who I thought I would be with forever when I got pregnant with my first and only lil girl. She and I were very serious and we agreed that because she had had problems with pregnancies and she was the more dominant female in the relationship that she would bbe the “daddy” role. However, she and I didn’t want the term daddy to be what my lil girl called her so we came up With “dauma”…daddy mommy person is what we called it. In public my lil girl called her auntie bc we come from a small town and that just seemed best to us. But anyone who knew us and how we wwere knew that she was and still is my child’s dauma. Even though we are not together anymore that is still her role in my lil girl life and no other partner of mine will replace her on that role. It works for us. Even the real father knows about it and is fine with it.

  8. I personally believe that a dad is a father figure. Sex is not important. I plan on having my kids call me Dad. Dad’s aren’t just men. I love being a women; that said; my view on parents is that I believe children need a feminine and masculine role-model. I personally think that hearing a child call me “Daddy” or “Dada” for the first time will hit me so hard I’ll start crying with happiness. Just thinking about it is making me well up. This isn’t for everyone. Go with what feels right for you. As far as kids having to explain why Daddy is a girl, kids can be mean, nasty little monsters to each other and there’s nothing we can do or say to change the fact that at some point, for some reason, they WILL be picked on. Honestly, with how progressive the world is becoming, I don’t see this as being as big of an issue as you think. Kids get teased and it’s our job, as parents, to teach our kids how to deal with each situation accordingly. I hope this has helped you see why some women want to be a Daddy.

  9. This subject hits home to me. I ama stud who has three children with my partner two are step and they all call me daddy. My step kids chose to call me that even with their bio father in the picture sometimes. They don’t call me daddy because they think I am a guy. I always make sure they know and understand their parents are lesbians. I’ve told my kids they can at any point call me something else if they prefer and they still choose to call me daddy. We live in the Bay Area of California so “different” is definetley more normal then most places. I get everyone’s worries about kids getting confused or rediculed but my kids openly call me daddy everywhere. I go to their school and volunteer kids ask if I am a girl and I say yes. Most don’t care that I am but then again my kids are in elementary but my kids also go to a school where they teach about gay families. Because they are so main stream. Kids don’t care unless you teach them too. Hate is taught. I’m gay and won’t stop being so no matter how I identify my kids will run the risk of being judged. For now, my kids are happy and thriving and think I’m the best “daddy” ever and that’s for my role in raising them. They find it cool to be different. I’m proud of that. They say any Man can be a father, it takes a real man to be a daddy. Well just as those men can be a daddy with no bio connection I can be a women and be a daddy. “Daddy” is just the term for the male role in a family and that’s my part in mines. Never been am will never be a mom. No one really should care. But since you all do. Thought I’d put my two sense in. Oh yes my kids even call me daddy when with their actual father, I’m their Other daddy.

  10. Hello!! My name is Lauren and my wife is Xaviera. My wife has 3 children 2 boys and a girl. When we came home from Afghanistan I moved in and we begun our journey together as a family. Now my wife is 34 and I am 27. I have never had any children of my own so I have been learning along the way how to parent. Around Christmas time 3 years ago the kids and my wife came home from going out to eat together. I was at home outting Christmas tree uo with my mother who had come to see me after returning from deployment. When they got home the kids came home and ran through the door saying “hey dad” which took me totally by surprise. I have never thought about what I wanted to be called by my step children before but I felt the need to talk to them after words. We sat down later and I asked them if they knew that I am in fact a girl (I am a bit on the boyish side) in case they were unclear in any way. They responded with yes they know I am a girl. I told them I was their step parent and I love them and they do not have to call me dad because I am married to their mom that I am ok with them calling me anything they are confortable with. They told me in return that they know we are both girls but that their are mommies and daddies and since I am with mommy they want to call me dad. I let the kids call me whatever they want. I have since adopted the oldest child who has never had a dad and yes some of his friends has asked him if his dad was a girl and he just says yea they are lesbians and shes my dad and the kids have all been cool about and actually thought it was pretty cool. So from our expierence we have not had any negativity come from the kids choice to call me dad but I know their are some mean people in the world who could causes issues about it. To me…I want my kids to be happy and comfortable in our lives. As long as they are not confussed about my gender and that they haave the choice to call me whatever they would like I am ok. I am not one to press our sexuality and how we choose to live our lives on anyone. I love seeing everyones opinions and thoughts about it because as I said…im totally learning this parenting game as I go and now having a teenager that I have adopted and is now my legal son its good to know other opinions. I never asked for it but I guess my question would be what damage or emotional harm would I cause byx telling the kids not to call me dad something they want and are comfortable with? Would I be hurting their feelings or possibly putting a block between my relationship with them?

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