Not Anymore

I fight some serious depression in my world.  I don’t know really when it started or when it will go the fuck away.  But the fact is that it’s part of what I continually deal with and I absolutely hate it.  I wish like hell I could wake up one morning, not feeling depressed and useless and be completely happy with my life for a change.  I think a lot of shit contributes to it, being alone, living alone, not having anything or anyone to focus on or share my days with, or a meal with or to even just watch TV with, in my life.  But still, single people must encounter this shit all the time. Why does it feel so hard for me.?  Maybe because I am not really “used” to being single or alone in life.  I have tried and am still trying, to adjust and to accept it and find some reasons to be happier in life.  It is cyclic at times, I have good days and bad days.  Some days when I have a lot of things I can think up to occupy my time I have a good day.  I go to be feeling more accomplished and contented that I did something productive with my time.  Then those days that are the worst I can seem to lift myself up to do anything.  Even showering hurts.  My body hurts.  My brain hurts.  I get emotional and cry with virtual ease.  Everything seems to evoke emotions of sadness.  I think of depressing things like being without different people, or not being able to get up and do what I want to do. 

I used to take medications for depression.  They left me feeling just plain empty, with NO emotion, which I felt was worse than being able to FEEL it and react to it.  Thus I choose now to go through this without medications, and I want to stay that way.  But I have to figure out something to control things better.  Something to put more structure in my life so that I am not allowed the luxury of just blowing off the day and doing nothing with my time or my life.  

I come up with ideas like volunteer at the animal shelter.  I’d be good at that, but I would also be very emotional about it – thus it scares me a bit.  Perhaps I could learn to handle my reactions and it would push me to become more proactive in the animal rights community.  What stops me is the just getting up and going to the shelter and asking to volunteer.  Sometimes I need someone to push me a bit.  I reach out to my mother quite often, she can motivate me.  She gets me out of the house and out of my own head when she does come up and spend time with me.  I cherish those times, I cherish her.  I guess I am also afraid of rejection, of not being accepted as a volunteer by whichever organization I go to.  I applied to one, they came and did a home inspection and now I have never heard back from them…which I find strange and a bit unprofessional.  I volunteered to foster a dog for them if they needed.  You would thing they would jump on the offer.  I should call and ask outright why I have never heard back.  I KNOW I passed the home inspection, there was no reason I would not.  My place is clean, healthy, and has plenty of room for another dog and I am available pretty much full time.  Yes, I guess I should call.  

I used to be a much more social kind of person.  Someone who had a lot of friends.  But that was when I had a partner too.  I think single people sometimes are discriminated against unknowingly just for being single.  They are less likely to be asked over for dinner, less likely to be invited to parties, and just less of a thought I guess when events come up that include others.  When you are part of a couple you seem to be a sort of unit that others gravitate toward and want around, you get invited everywhere and thought of often.  Single people are easy to overlook.  That makes me sad.  I wish I could meet a woman, start a relationship and be back in that world so very much.  

I wish I knew the answers to ending this vicious cycle.  I wish I had someone to motivate me, to encourage me and to celebrate the little things with me.  I wish for someone to eat dinner with – hell, to make me even want or remember to eat at all sometimes.  I wish someone else would pick what I watch on TV.  Or that someone would want to go to a movie, the beach, the park, or just for a Sunday drive.  I am so sick and tired of being alone and lonely and of crying like a stupid baby every day.  I am seriously beginning to hate my life; to question my existence and the reason I even wake up every morning.  What good am I?  No one needs me.  Not anymore.  And I just struggle to make it through one day after another, with no real purpose or intent.  Yet, I keep doing it.  I don’t know why.

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Author: MainelyButch

I am a pretty relaxed, proud, Butch and a native Mainer who enjoys reading, writing, blogging, vlogging and social interaction. I live in southern Maine, near the coast with my 2 small dogs and I hail from a very large, loving family that is historically rooted here. I write about my life, my experiences, living successfully with HIV, my YouTube experiences, and just about anything that piques my interest. This blog may contain profanity and sexual situations, and is not intended for younger audiences. Read at your own risk. At 54 I see life as just beginning a new chapter, and have decide this is the time that I need to write the stories that got me to this point. I believe we live our lives in chapters, changing, evolving and moving continuously with the times. I love to laugh, have discussions, debates and even the occasional nonsense conversation! I generally enjoy people, but not drama, hatred, ignorance or those who choose to feel they are somehow elite or superior to another simply due to their mere existence. I try to be very conscious of the health of the world around me - environmentally, socially, economically, and ethically. The people who are dear to me know me as having a tough exterior, filled with marshmallow and crunchy peanut butter. I continually strive to be the best I can be, especially to address life head on...always.

10 thoughts on “Not Anymore”

  1. “What good am I? No one needs me.”

    Have you seen “Its A Wonderful Life”? You’re like a stone butch version of the Jimmy Stewart character.

    The world is a much happier place for having you in it. I haven’t met you in person, but you still made a positive impact on my life.

  2. I’ve gone through and am going through the same things. I wish I had some advice to offer. Things do ease up though. I’ve been 8yr medication free, so it can be done. I am here if you need to talk.

    I know my life has been better for knowing you.
    -S

  3. ” I am seriously beginning to hate my life; to question my existence and the reason I even wake up every morning. What good am I? No one needs me. Not anymore. And I just struggle to make it through one day after another, with no real purpose or intent. Yet, I keep doing it. I don’t know why.”

    Angie, these words could have been taken out of my own brain. In fact I have expressed this exact same thing on more than one occasion. I don’t feel the pains of loneliness, as I can easily spend a lot of time alone and be fine with that. But I do know all too well the feelings of wondering just wtf is the purpose to my life, if any.

    I don’t have any answers or even suggestions as to how to cope. I get by on simple stubborness and not having much in the way of workable options.

  4. MB, I’m so sorry to read the unhappiness. There are desperately dark times but if we don’t hang on through the darkness then we won’t be able to see the brighter, happier times that will come. And they will come. Sometimes all we can do is just hang on, a little longer, one more day. You have so much to give. Hang in there.

  5. There is someone who needs you. Nola needs you. I have been through similar stuff in my life and felt exactly the same feelings. I got through it after many years of soul searching and finally understood that it’s me that fills the void—no-one else can fill up the lonely part except me–no-one else can love me like I can–I became my own best friend and I can trust me and rely on me. The need disappears and you become open to people coming in just to be near that kind of security.

  6. Ang, hey. This is ashtreechill (from youtube). I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. Depression is an extremely difficult thing to deal with. It’s only in the last year and a half that I’ve finally fully pulled out of what was, in retrospect, a 4 year stint with it.

    Isolation can also be extremely difficult to deal with. I’ve been struggling with that lately, too. And back when I was often in depressive states, isolation exacerbated the hell out of my depression. And of course it always wound up being a vicious cycle, with depression debilitating my ability and/or willingness to reach out, leading to more isolation, leading to more depression.

    I normally try to keep myself in check when it comes to unsolicited advice, but I hope you don’t mind me talking about some things that I’ve found helpful in dealing with MY depression and isolation. Maybe you can find something in there that works for you, too. Now, it’s been a long time since you and I have talked, so some of these suggestions could very easily be off the mark. I also know that you have a lot more life experience than I do; this just happens to be a culmination of things that have worked for me. Just feel free to take what works for you and leave the rest!

    For depression:
    – Getting out of the house. Doesn’t matter what I’m doing, getting out of the house almost always improves my mood.
    – Therapy. Therapy can truly be enormously helpful. I can’t recommend finding a good therapist (KEYWORD: GOOD) highly enough. They can really help guide you through these difficult times, especially depression. They’re also really good at helping you through major life changes, like the one you’re going through now (being single for the first time in a long time).
    – Medication. I realize you say that this is an option you’re not interested in, and I respect that. Medication for depression is a highly personal choice and is no one’s but your own. I would, however, like to stress that just because one set of anti-depressants didn’t work for you does not mean that others won’t. I take an anti-depressant, and it has VASTLY improved my quality of life. It didn’t make me happy; it just made me not depressed (and anxious) so that I COULD be happy. Also consider the fact that just because you take an anti-depressant to get yourself leveled out doesn’t mean you have to keep taking it indefinitely.
    – Hobbies. I think your idea for volunteering is absolutely great, and I really encourage you to pursue that! Any kind of volunteering or group thing that gives you social time is likely to help you out. Hell, go to kink meetings! Ski club meetings. Meetings about motorcycles! Whatever you can find that strikes a chord with you. Check out meetup.com if you haven’t already.
    -Be compassionate with yourself. Seriously. Depression is EXHAUSTING. It is not your fault that you can’t just “snap out of it”. Depression just doesn’t work that way, unfortunately.

    For isolation:
    – Coffee houses. I know it sounds weird, but hear me out on this one. This is something I just discovered in the last year. It goes along with the whole getting yourself out of the house bit. Granted, it can add up monetarily, but I bet even once a week would be helpful to you. Just go to coffee houses to do a lot of the things you’d normally do (read, browse the web, write, etc etc). It’s a no-pressure way to put yourself around people and have a little social interaction in your day, and it’s a nice atmosphere.
    – I apologize if I am overstepping my bounds here, but I’ve noticed that It seems that you equate being alone with not being in a romantic relationship. Perhaps this is something you should evaluate further. It seems to me that a lot of people put all of their emotional “eggs” into the relationship basket, if that makes any sense. I used to as well. But the further and further away I’ve moved from that view, the happier and happier I’ve been and the more I’ve been able to cherish the non-romantic relationships in my life.

    Whew, okay, that’s long, but I hope at least some part of it was helpful.

    Hang in there, Ang. Please don’t hesitate to message me on facebook or via email if you want to talk more about this stuff.

    1. Thanks very much Ash! I have missed you! Great to hear from you. I am working most of these angles in some for or another, and things ARE getting better. I really don’t wish to go BACK on the medications, and am going to try to avoid that if possible for a while longer. I think if I can just deal with the other stuff that doing that will actually move me alot closer to ending the depression issues – or at least being able to deal with them more easily and with less stress. Thanks again for your concern, care and for all the info! I take your words seriously, and hope you are doing well! Let’s see a new video update! 🙂 ~Ang

  7. I had similar fears regarding volunteer work, but the good you can do often outweighs the sadness of the situation as the animals appreciate your time. You seem to be perfect for it. I think there are so many shelters or rescues, I would call them back or try others. Who knows, maybe that place isn’t run very well and the whole thing fell through the cracks (so to speak). I’m a new follower of your blog, but have watched your videos and I see your love for Nola and all animals. I hope not to intrude but wanted to wish you the best – also, loneliness and depression -what a great battle, and a familiar one, too. I just want to add from an objective perspective you no matter what you decide (meds, no meds) many people like you, respect what you have to say, and look forward to hearing your perspective. You are appreciated perhaps even more than what you are aware. I hope for all of those things in your last paragraph. I believe there is someone (or many someones) who would want to be there to do all of those things with you. My best to you- val

  8. I feel like a loser, posting a comment here – seeing that the blog entry was for last year… But I just stumbled upon your blog, Ang. I had a crazy week at work – and that somehow made me feel alone and lonely. Something about your writings/words touched me. And when I learned you’re sick, it made me sad – even if I don’t really know you. I’ll include you in my prayers – I hope that you always feel well. And – that somehow, the love that you’re looking for will find you. 🙂

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