Not Anymore

I fight some serious depression in my world.  I don’t know really when it started or when it will go the fuck away.  But the fact is that it’s part of what I continually deal with and I absolutely hate it.  I wish like hell I could wake up one morning, not feeling depressed and useless and be completely happy with my life for a change.  I think a lot of shit contributes to it, being alone, living alone, not having anything or anyone to focus on or share my days with, or a meal with or to even just watch TV with, in my life.  But still, single people must encounter this shit all the time. Why does it feel so hard for me.?  Maybe because I am not really “used” to being single or alone in life.  I have tried and am still trying, to adjust and to accept it and find some reasons to be happier in life.  It is cyclic at times, I have good days and bad days.  Some days when I have a lot of things I can think up to occupy my time I have a good day.  I go to be feeling more accomplished and contented that I did something productive with my time.  Then those days that are the worst I can seem to lift myself up to do anything.  Even showering hurts.  My body hurts.  My brain hurts.  I get emotional and cry with virtual ease.  Everything seems to evoke emotions of sadness.  I think of depressing things like being without different people, or not being able to get up and do what I want to do. 

I used to take medications for depression.  They left me feeling just plain empty, with NO emotion, which I felt was worse than being able to FEEL it and react to it.  Thus I choose now to go through this without medications, and I want to stay that way.  But I have to figure out something to control things better.  Something to put more structure in my life so that I am not allowed the luxury of just blowing off the day and doing nothing with my time or my life.  

I come up with ideas like volunteer at the animal shelter.  I’d be good at that, but I would also be very emotional about it – thus it scares me a bit.  Perhaps I could learn to handle my reactions and it would push me to become more proactive in the animal rights community.  What stops me is the just getting up and going to the shelter and asking to volunteer.  Sometimes I need someone to push me a bit.  I reach out to my mother quite often, she can motivate me.  She gets me out of the house and out of my own head when she does come up and spend time with me.  I cherish those times, I cherish her.  I guess I am also afraid of rejection, of not being accepted as a volunteer by whichever organization I go to.  I applied to one, they came and did a home inspection and now I have never heard back from them…which I find strange and a bit unprofessional.  I volunteered to foster a dog for them if they needed.  You would thing they would jump on the offer.  I should call and ask outright why I have never heard back.  I KNOW I passed the home inspection, there was no reason I would not.  My place is clean, healthy, and has plenty of room for another dog and I am available pretty much full time.  Yes, I guess I should call.  

I used to be a much more social kind of person.  Someone who had a lot of friends.  But that was when I had a partner too.  I think single people sometimes are discriminated against unknowingly just for being single.  They are less likely to be asked over for dinner, less likely to be invited to parties, and just less of a thought I guess when events come up that include others.  When you are part of a couple you seem to be a sort of unit that others gravitate toward and want around, you get invited everywhere and thought of often.  Single people are easy to overlook.  That makes me sad.  I wish I could meet a woman, start a relationship and be back in that world so very much.  

I wish I knew the answers to ending this vicious cycle.  I wish I had someone to motivate me, to encourage me and to celebrate the little things with me.  I wish for someone to eat dinner with – hell, to make me even want or remember to eat at all sometimes.  I wish someone else would pick what I watch on TV.  Or that someone would want to go to a movie, the beach, the park, or just for a Sunday drive.  I am so sick and tired of being alone and lonely and of crying like a stupid baby every day.  I am seriously beginning to hate my life; to question my existence and the reason I even wake up every morning.  What good am I?  No one needs me.  Not anymore.  And I just struggle to make it through one day after another, with no real purpose or intent.  Yet, I keep doing it.  I don’t know why.