I am attempting to film a video for my YT channel that is giving me fits. I need to speak the right words to get my points across in a very concise and fitting manner, so that several of my viewers understand where I stand on the issues. It’s driving me bats because (there is currently a BAT in my fucking house, btw) I know what I want to say, but am having trouble finding the right words…not usually an issue for MainelyButch! *sigh* but I won’t give up, I will eventually get a version I can live with filmed, edited and posted.
I have taken down a couple of recent vlogs from that channel. This pisses me off that I allowed myself to feel the pressure others were putting on me that caused me to pull them into private mode. I am usually much more bold and don’t care what others think, but my psyche is obviously in a weaker place this week and I allowed the pressure through.
This brings up one thing that the vlog is addressing, that one cannot be made to feel any way that they do not ALLOW themselves to feel. We are in control of those feelings, and while the actions or words of another may not be what we want to hear, but how we react to them is completely up to us individually. Just because I say I feel one way about something, does not mean someone else needs to agree with me – or worse, be adversely affected by my own personal choices and feelings.
Now…I am addressing issues that I am having with a few commenters on my vlog, with whom I have been having some back-and-forth direct YT email and comment exchanges in recent weeks. If you do not recognize that as you, please do not insert yourself in the scenario..I am blogging about this only to get the thoughts out on paper so that I can perhaps assist my own brain to sort through the best way to handle things such as this altercation. I am trying to figure out how to explain to this person that my opinions and my experiences are MINE and I do NOT expect any of my viewers or readers to have or hold the same things in their world. She thinks that I am somehow expecting people to agree with me, when I would never do that, I encourage differing opinions, and am open to new experiences, the sharing of our individual experiences and in finding the common ground of agreeing to disagree without hostility being a side-effect.
Hostility. That is the word. I have been experiencing some degree of hostility aimed toward me, from a few different directions, that is making me uncomfortable as I am unsure of just how to deal with each of the individuals. I don’t want to deal with it at all by “firing back” or slinging mud at anyone. Of course, when one is attacked – especially on an ehical level – the gut reaction is to go into “defensive” mode and do exactly that – fire back. Corner me and I will fight my way out. Give me breathing room, and I will give you that same respect and we can perhaps converse without threat.
I am just at a loss for words. Some things leave me that way. And I hate that.