2014 is coming into it’s last couple of months, and I am reflecting on the months of this year that are now behind me. It’s been actually a really great year for me. I can’t complain, I won’t complain. I have had some pretty awesome things happen and have been pleased with this year in general. Compared to the previous two years this one has been a virtual cake walk. Now, it hasn’t all been roses by any means. I’ve had a couple of tough situations sprinkled in among the good stuff too. I think that those challenging situations make the positive stuff look even that much more appealing.
I have had to curtail one pretty close friendship this year. Someone who was in my life for 6-7 years and who taught me a lot about myself over the times that we shared I had to end the friendship because it just wasn’t healthy for either of us. She wanted more than friendship, and I wanted more of a casual friendship and less of a closer friendship….see we were definitely not on that same page in our lives. I have a lot of respect for her and always have wished her the very best. I don’t know if she reads me anymore, but if she does I know that she’ll agree that our taking different paths now is for the very best for both of us.
I had a serious year of personal growth. As I look, back over blogs and records of 2014 I can see the changes pretty vividly in my own mind. I came into 2014 with that gusto that says “THIS is going to be MY year” and I tried not to lose sight of that vision. There were times that I stumbled, woke up and forgot to be grateful, or forgot to be mindful of the moment. I think it’s natural to have a few of those. I know that I had more days where I did embrace and follow a more relaxing routine that I worked on developing over the last couple of years. A year like I have had doesn’t just happen I don’t believe, you have to be willing and able to make it happen for yourself. I came into the year much more willing and with a truthful mindfulness of what I wanted out of it. The mistakes I made were inevitably part of the process of growing and learning, no matter how painful or irritating those moments were, they were meant to be part of the deal. I came into the year with a blah hand of cards to begin with, but I tossed them all back and pulled a fresh hand to work with, so to speak. That was the best move I made. To let go of what I could not control; to accept and recognize that there would be things beyond my control that I would have to just let be.
I engaged in really cool conversations with my American friend who lives abroad, who I shall now call Mushy. She has showed me what things could look like if I wanted them. Everything I had been wanting in the way of a romantic partner – or thought that I wanted – seemed to not really fit with what I actually needed in reality. Through a series of deep questions, which led to some very deep contemplation on my part, I started to see the err in my desires. It’s actually kind of hard to explain, but there was this big sort of s “shift” inside of me that I think really needed to happen, no matter what. When I was confronted with these questions and asked to really think about my answers I started to find that my old pattern of thinking wasn’t lining up with my answers very well at all. I thought that I had a certain “type” of woman that would make me happy in love, and in a relationship. And after some back and forth I came to some very real and eye-opening revelations about myself. I had been thinking one way, but internally desiring quite another.
I wrote about the changing of my “type” of woman a few blogs ago. The more I have thought about that the more appealing it is to me. My woman has to be different than the typical type I have previously gone for. She’s strong and she’s demanding – like me. But she also is very loving and caring and makes me a priority. She may be shy, but she’s also bold, and she’s okay with my taking charge, too. She knows when to turn off the work clock and turn her attentions to me, to us; her and I. She just needs me to help her relax away the stress from her job, she needs my touch to let her know she’s so much more than the job or her work persona. She’ll want to relax into my arms and let me love her like she deserves to be loved. And she will love me in return just as much. Yeah…that will work.
There’s this pressure in the Butch-Femme community for Butches to only date Femmes…although some buck the trend, for the most part that’s the main body of the Butch-Femme dynamic. Butches date only Femmes and visa verse’ especially “stone” Butches and “stone” Femmes . While I have always gone for the very Femme women, those diva types, then maybe the next step toward the middle. On this scale of Butch/Femme I would date the 1′s and 2′s. I fall myself around a 9.5…I’m stone, but I’m not unreachable. This I have discovered about myself. In some ways I am very stone, yet in others I am certainly not the stereotypical stone. I know, it’s confusing. Hell it confuses me sometimes! I think that everyone is very individual. While my definition of Butch may be slightly different from my buddy’s definition, the cores are very similar.
I have found that I am not as emotionally stunted as I previously thought I was – or maybe I even was..but I’m not now. I’ve grown in that particular area quite a bit. I can express emotion now much more freely than I could say 4 years ago…we change, we grow, and this has been part of my own personal growth for sure. I’ve become much more open with my feelings, less likely to just stuff them as I used to do. I’m not afraid to speak my mind – even if it’s uncomfortable or makes me feel vulnerable – anymore. I was told that I am very soft and gentle in actuality and as I sat back and thought about it and thought about the last 6 months of my life I can see where I have definitely come out of my shell emotionally.
Perhaps it’s got something to do with the people that I have associated with more these days. I have had a good solid network of great friends and a couple of very special women in my life this year. Most have all helped me to relax more and to be more trusting. Yesterday I was told that I don’t have “Stone emotions”, that my fear of emotional exposure was more from being “screwed over” in the past….I had to think about this, and I have to say it’s pretty close to the truth. I have always had this fear of my own emotions, I never cry…and if I do you’ll never see me do it. I try very hard to keep my emotions in check so that I’m not wearing them on my sleeve, so to speak. But it’s more about comfort level than it is about being stone Butch or not. Even stone Butches have hearts and emotions, we were just under the impression that we had to hide them to appear more tough and stoic. I’m tired of appearing tough, or rough, or scary. I’m weary from keeping emotions bottled up inside where not showing them somehow protects me from exposing my true self. I’m a sap inside. I’m seeing that the only thing that stone represents truly to me is a sexual preference.
I think I am just going to start calling myself plain ‘ole Butch. I can take up the stone sexuality part with my lover when necessary, and not worry about all the stereotypical crap anymore. I don’t have to take on anything that I don’t want. I’m definitely a masculine of center (MOC) Butch…on the exterior anyways, but on the interior I’m finding that I am a lot softer than I am stone. It’s actually a little freeing just saying that out loud. I never thought I’d see myself admitting that I am soft in any way…amazing. Hell, I amaze even myself. Now, you still won’t see me cry probably, and I am probably still going to say “fuck” a lot….and I’m not going to change anything, just going to drop the “stone” label because it just doesn’t feel right anymore. I don’t need anything that makes me look or feel any harder-core than I already am.
I met someone recently who has been having a major impact on my life. She’s quite the woman. The past few weeks she’s helped me to see that there is no such thing as too busy; that I am and can be a priority. She has a very high level, stressful and high pressure type of job…and yet she’s made time in her every day for me…several times a day! Even when she’s schmoozing 400 people at one of her big events I get texts from her – just because. That makes me feel pretty damned special! I’m pretty impressed to say the least. She is not the typical type that I have fallen for in the past…she’s more on the scale of a 5 (reference graph above) I’d say. (hahaha) She’s got her head on really well, and she’s even taught this old dog some new stuff. Especially about what I deserve and what I should or should not accept from others, and I am sure I have more to learn from her. Anyways, I have mad respect for her, and a big fat crush on her too. Or maybe it’s on her cat…they’re both pretty damned adorable! Either way, I want to continue to get to know her, and have her get to know me. There’s no rush here, and we have so much more to learn together I am sure. I love how comfortable she makes me in talking – that’s something really kind of new to me this year – talking and learning about someone a lot more than I’ve been interested in doing in the past. The pure emotional connection we are making is pretty amazing. And I love that she wants to talk to me all the time, and that she’s even apologetic when she has to go to work or to go work out even…and she doesn’t have to be apologizing for any of that, but she does…and it’s impressive to know that she cares enough to be that way with me; that she makes me a priority. That’s something she’s taught me – not to take less than being a priority.
So that’s the synopsis to date for 2014…interesting fucking year it has been. I know I am skipping some things, right now I am not quite sure how to put an ending on certain stuff.
Rock on. ~MB