Understanding B-F Dynamics, a Comment Answered

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Comment received from Lipstick Lady

“I’m a feminine (lipstick) lesbian, and I honestly don’t understand the whole femme/butch dynamic. I’m not attracted to men, and I’m not attracted to women who look like men, either. But that’s just me (and a couple of my friends in the community as well). My gay male friends don’t understand this, either, and I honestly can’t explain it to them. I always refer them to someone else when they ask.” (unedited)

Dear Readers, If you are Butch / Femme you have probably heard some version of this comment before.  I know that I have heard it enough around the web on occasion, but this time I want to try to see if I can help understand here. As a Butch lesbian when I hear comments like this one it kind of gets uncomfortably ignored.  Most of the time the uncomfortable topics often just make us Butches squirm and chew our nails, remaining silent in response.  Or we throw out the quick and irritated one liner.  I want to do neither of those things here this time.  Thus, the following blog is written with the very best of intentions to truly help LL understand the Butch lesbian identity a little bit, and maybe understand Butch-Femme dynamics in some small way at the same time.  All of this is strictly from my perspective of course.  This may not be exactly the same for every Butch out there, but I think there is some basic common ground where you will nod and get what I am trying to explain.  It’s a tough question, just how DO you explain a relationship and lifestyle to someone who honestly doesn’t understand yet would like to?  Let’s see how I do here…

Dear Lipstick Lady,

Well, none of us understand everything!  Don’t sweat it if you don’t, you don’t.  It’s cool.  And it really doesn’t matter as long as you are happy with whatever type you like to date. But, I would like to try to help you glean a little understanding, since we are both part of the same umbrella community of lesbians.  Just look around the community and you can see that there are as many kinds of lesbian “types” – or ways to define oneself – as there are donuts at Crispy Creme!

The Butch-Femme dynamic is just one way that lesbians have paired up as couples in our community.  It is also the one that has been around since basically the beginning of time, and in many ways used to be kind of the “standard” for old time lesbian relationships.  Sadly it’s also quite often more misunderstood than other less contrasting pairings of women.  And thus B-F couples are often criticized and heckled with the lame old things such as accusations that we, as B-F women in a relationship are trying to somehow mimic the heterosexual dynamic of male and female.  Some people see us in the light that one of us must be the “guy” and one is obviously the “girl” – something I tend to believe that you probably do see when you observe a B-F couple yourself. Hell, it gets joked about that way all the time.  We even joke with each other in fun about it.  And there is a part of the B-F community itself,  that identifies as Old Fashioned Old School (OFOS) Butch-Femme, who do more closely follow the patterns of heterosexual relationship models.  But not all B-F couples think of themselves in this manner, probably the majority really don’t follow most of the OFOS scenario. To each her own, because everyone has their own unique styles of being Butch or Femme and each their own ways of interacting with one another.  There are tons of ways to embody the B-F relationship, each has it’s own personality in my opinion.  

I think the biggest piece of Butch and Femme attraction to one another is the contrast, enjoying the “equal yet opposite” kind of idea.  We like that our partners provide us with different ways of being a woman, one more delicate embodying the more feminine essence of womanhood, and one more rough and tough, tomboyish, embodying the more masculine, yet still a woman.  There is a sensuality to the Butch lesbian that is attractive to many Femme lesbians; a way of bringing a bolder energy, that is generally more dominant yet also being vulnerable, but only really allowing her Femme partner access to that vulnerability behind the bedroom doors.  The Femme lesbian hold the keys to all things feminine between the couple usually, and only she can unlock that Pandora’s box of femininity that lies behind that rough Butch exterior.   She desires the Butch’s tree bark exterior knowing full well that there is a soft, smooth muscled woman’s body beneath that only she has the privilege of access.  The Butch loves all of those feminine ways of the Femme; ways that she herself cannot be.  Butch – Femme relationships are often called “The Dance” for it is a give and take of opposite desire in many ways; a way that one compliments the other.  This is very difficult to “explain”, I hope you will pardon my awkward – but genuine I assure you – attempt here!

Now, I don’t understand many relationship dichotomies either, but I always try to respect the choices of people as individuals deserving equal treatment and believe that we all should have a voice in our world. It’s a pretty well known thing that most of us who identify with the B-F lifestyle/dynamic don’t “get” it when two Femmes or two Butches date one another, but it’s cool with me if that is what makes them happy! Personally I do not date other Butch women, as I prefer the flair of the Femme type as a lover and partner in my life.  That’s just ME and my personal taste – just like you probably have a particular “look” or “style” you like in the women you choose to date or partner with in life.

It’s hard to explain to someone who has probably never had that kind of experience themselves. Kind of like you trying to make me understand how it “feels” in your body and brain to be feminine, (as you self-describe in your comment) or how feminine you feel in high heels, or why you apply make-up…I would NEVER “get” it! LOL (I know I have some of my readers dying laughing at me with that vision!) We don’t have to completely “understand” different dynamics, genres, types or kinds of lesbians and/or lesbian relationships, but I hope we can all respect our differences and still understand that we are all lesbians – despite of what “type” of woman each of us love – or how she might define herself – we all love women!

I wanted to directly address one part of your comment that bothered me a tad, but please do not take this as me giving you shit but I just wanted to clarify this a bit — I do not look like a man. I look like a Butch lesbian, which is what I really AM - a lesbian who is Butch. I don’t believe that you meant any harm by using that comment about “women who look like men”, but it’s a common misconception that we as Butches somehow “desire” to look like men, or even that we want to BE men, we do not. We are woman who also love woman, lesbians.  And if I wanted to be a man that would make me FTM (female to male transguy). And while do have FTM friends who I can relate to much of the time, and who I respect tremendously for their courage and authenticity in their own lives,  I am not FTM myself and I don’t want to be seen as the “man” in any relationship.  Now I get that I present in a very Butch way, having a really androgenous appearance and mannerisms, but I assure you I am all lesbian!  :)

Yes, I’m a woman just like you with the same parts, but because it’s just me and the way I am; the way I carry myself, my parts aren’t perhaps as hmmm….for lack of a better word “accentuated”  as yours, being you are more feminine. I like sports bras instead of Victoria’s Secret ones; and I love my jeans as you perhaps love your beautiful dresses. My work boots are so comfortable, as I am sure your pretty heels – even though they make your feet hurt sometimes (and we Butches LOVE to see on your feet), are just as pretty in your opinion. And it’s all cool!! Just because we wear different clothing styles, or we walk different, and our hair is probably radically different lengths, etc… doesn’t make either one of us more or less woman or lesbian than the other.

I didn’t “ask” to be born Butch, any more than I “asked” to be born lesbian! It’s just the personality and body type I was born with I’m afraid. Took me many years to recognize myself without shame. I was never “girl” enough even as a child, often told I looked like a boy, acted like a boy and would make a “cute boy”…I just wanted to be ME, and just be liked for who I am. Hell, like most other Butches I “tried” to be more girly as a teenager for a while and it felt like I was dressing up for Halloween, or in some kind of school play! I felt like an imposter. It was not me. Just like maybe flannel shirts and work boots aren’t really your style? (I don’t know you personally, but as a self-described Feminine Lipstick lebian I am guessing you are quite comfortable and right at home in “pretty” things like dreses, high heels and make up. If I am wrong please forgive me, but that’s my personal “bias” about how a Lipstick lesbian may be comfortable in presenting to the world.)

As a kind of thrown in side note here, historically, in many ways, B-F’s were the sort of “pioneers” of today’s more modern and diverse lesbian culture. The history of the Butch-Femme culture is quite fascinating. I encourage you to perhaps do some reading – there are quite a few really great books by authors like Ivan E. Coyote, S. Bear Bergman and others that would probably help you understand it a bit better than I could ever do here.  Ivan is my favorite lesbian author and is just incredible.  She reads many of her works aloud on Youtube usually filmed when she does public appearances.  Not meaning that you have to “participate” in any kind of way, but I believe that for each of us to understand and support others in their own preferences is a good thing for our community, and having some kind of understanding of those who are different from us is always a good thing for everyone concerned.

I would like to say Thank You for commenting, and for inspiring me to actually think about this and give you my own personal feedback. I have heard similar statements of course during my life, but I have never actually taken the initiative to really give a personal reply. I enjoyed the thought process writing to you, of having to think about how I could help you understand – and maybe even give you some insight into the things this brings up for a Butch lesbian when brought into conversation. It’s not that it brings up negative feelings or opinions, but that it’s like trying to explain why you are attracted to women to say a very straight woman and have her really understand what you are trying to convey. It’s the old “why did the chicken cross the road” sort of question, we all have varying answers based upon so tremendously many things! So, yeah this was fun and thought provoking to write. I hope that you will actually write me back and let me know what you think now; did this help you to understand maybe even a little bit better? Or did I totally miss the mark and just confuse you?

I also would like to extend the invitation to my fellow Butch and Femme identified readers here, for you to give me your best shot at helping Lipstick Lady understand the Butch-Femme dynamic. I would particularly love to hear from a Femme on this for her, so she has a Femme’s idea to compare with mine as a Butch.  You have all read my response and this drawn out attempt to help her understand, what did you think about what I said? Comments? Additions? Rebuttals?

Odd thought to end….I wonder how a real writer who identifies also as Butch, such as the famous Ivan E Coyote, would approach this? And in what way could she help LL understand better? LOL…Yeah I guess I just put Ivan on a pedestal, calling her a “real” writer.  Although I am sure some of you are also in that catagory as published writers, too. I am more referring to Ivan’s skilled knack at writing stories about her tomboy past, Butch identity, and her struggles to be true to herself…she shares so much in her stories, often things that resonate with me in my own experiences growing up Butch. Just a thought…perhaps I shall drop her an email and ask – LOL like she’d answer me!

Year End, New Beginnings!

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2013 comes to a close at midnight tonight, bringing in 2014! Yay!!!  I have been mulling over the last year, wishing I could have done some things differently, but accepting that things go as they go, and it’s ME who should be my own catalyst for change.  I have changed considerably in 2013, grown exponentially in my own opinion.  Learned some good lessons, and taken lots of notes!  I’ve written quite frequently, but over the last few months I have not shared much of my writings publically here or elsewhere…I needed to just be with my own thoughts for a while.  Perhaps I shall post some of them in January 2014 if I feel compelled.

A historic year for LGBT rights, 2013 brought us to a total of 17 states and the District of Columbia recognizing same-sex-marriage legally.  Our military now provides partner benefits to those legally married; we struck down DOMA and had many public figures publically come out.  Yes, it was a very historic year, perhaps the most so since the Stonewall Riots of 1968. I am proud to have seen this year’s progress, but continue to wish for absolute equality for all people everywhere.  Perhaps a fable kind of wish, but still….

Personally 2013 was a better year all around for me than 2012.  Some very sad moments, like the passing of my family’s matriarch, Aunt Sissy in April 2013 and watching my parents cope with the loss of one of their beloved Chihuahuas so near to Christmas time and a few others, did occur this year, but overall it was a good year – and one I shall remember.  My health has been fairly stable, I got a sweet part time job at Home Depot that I really love and I have the love of my awesome family and friends to celebrate.

I am welcoming in 2014 with the very best of intentions and aspirations!  I will write more, I will read more, and I will continue to smile and be grateful for all that I am blessed with in this life.  Every day is a new voyage forward, and I am the captain of this ship! Image

Butch Body Image

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This topic was brought up on a video vlog by Whitney of Butch Talk on Youtube. I thought it was a great subject, and one that we do not discuss much, but which needs discussing.  Butches and body image, yes, we all have our own thoughts about our bodies.  Often I hear my trans friends discussing “dysphoria” or the discontentment they have with their bodies, body parts and how they deal with those thoughts.  Seldom do I hear this discussed in the Butch community, although I know as a Butch that we also suffer with dysphoric thoughts about our own bodies.  Sure, everyone probably does in some way, maybe they don’t like their teeth, or eyes, or nose, or weight…we’ve all got something that we can isolate on our bodies and say “hey, I wish that was different.”  

As a Butch lesbian I definitely experience body dysphoria quite often.  I will go out on a limb here and say that I believe that many Butches think about their bodies with some discontentment and discomfort, but we tend to talk less about it out of our own discomfort surrounding being masucline and perhaps being mis-labeled as transgendered.

When a Butch suggests that she would like to have no breasts, or smaller breasts, we often hear the old addage “oh, so you want to be a man.” or the question “Are you trans?” comes up.  And this opens up a whole new line of explanation that no, we don’t want to be a man, but we don’t care for our own breasts and would like to change that part of our body if it’s possible.  We just don’t care for the more female aspects of our Butch bodies, breasts seem to be singled out quite often in my experience.

Personally I present to the world as a very masculine female. I enjoy a certain degree of an androgenous look, just because of how I am built to begin with.  Let me be clear though, while I would quickly change my body if I could,  I still do not wish to be a man.  Nor I do not wish to have a male body.  It’s just that I do not care for my own breasts as they are on me, and would be much more comfortable and far less self-conscious and less dysphoric with much smaller breasts, a flatter chest that isn’t the focal point of the middle of my body.  I don’t necessarily want to be “male chested” or to have a completely flat chest, but I would love to be able to have a reduction from my 36C’s to as small as I can go.  

I have been known to bind my chest, to use the underworks binders which I have purchased online at the recommendation of other Butch friends who have the same dislike for their chests.  Binders are very tight, they do the job quite nicely, but they also come with a certain degree of discomfort, make it hard to breath sometimes and have been known to do damage to one’s rib cage and constrict one’s diaphram dangerously.  I have gone to wearing good quality Nike sports bras, they make ones that are specifically for compression even. They’re much more comfortable, and while not flattening me to the point that the binder does, they do the job quite nicely.  I’m fine with having some breasts, just not the larger ones I was unfortunate to inherit with my genetics!  

I also wish I were taller. I’m a short, fairly squarely built kind of Butch.  I envy those with some good height.  I would love to be about 5′ 7″ instead of 5′ 3″ish.  …another piece of my own personal  body dysphoria.  

The chances of me doing anything about changing my body are slim to none.  The breast reduction surgery, unless it’s covered at some point by insurance down the road, is just too expensive for me to justify.  I am fine with just dealing with what I’ve been given, and feeling blessed that I am healthy and happy in life.  Yeah, they may be a pain in the brain, but it’s more important to me that I am healthy overall and there are just so many other things that I have to worry about that are just more important to me on a personal level than getting too wrapped up in my body dysphroia.  I will continue to focus on those things that I do like about myself, and focus on just trying to look good sporting the stalky little body I was given to work with through life.  It’s not sooo bad…I can deal with it.  

Now I do know that some people who get body dysphoria really bad cannot deal with it such as I have chosen to do.  I realize that my dysphoria is probably mild compared to the suffering that some go through with their bodies. I feel for them, I wish it were easier and less of a fiasco to have body corrections done.  Perhaps that day will come, with constant medical advancements things are changing every day. We just have to continue to believe and have hope for ourselves and others.  

In the meantime, I will live life to the best of my ability.  Be who I am, just as I am.  I’ll keep trying to look into the mirror and remind myself that I am a good Butch with a good heart and that counts more in the long run.  Image

MainelyButch & Nola

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MainelyButch & Nola

Welcome to 2013!

A Smooth Stone..

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A Smooth Stone...  Excellent insight on the Stone Butch persona.  I enjoy this blogger’s writing very much!

Fire and want

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The smoldering fire, white hot, rages

In my gut, my heart, my loins

I crave to take you there

Completely, unashamedly

To places only you dream

Of

On days that end in Y

Your why is never questioned

You obey, you submit, you come

To me, willingly, softly, fiercely

Rage

In my mind, in my fingertips

Playing across your moist skin

Weaving through your thick hair

Finding places to seek and hide

Lust

For things unspoken yet necessary

To bring us to that precipice

That edge of abandonment

Sweat and heat of deepest desire

Sex

Passionate, biting and searing

Courses though my expanded veins

Rhythm beating in my heart, in my heat

Ravaging; ripping through your love

Silence

As my hand finds its way

To cover your scream, hold you down

Not yet my needy lover, for only

When I say you can will you

Come.

To me in the midnights hours

With visions of torment, satisfaction, release

Sighs of relief and exhaustion

Red-hot fire is streaming through my body

Spent.

Relationship Checklist

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During the month of July, 2010, I did a video blog – or a vlog – called “Lesbian Dating Application” which was very funny, but serious too as it laid out all of the things that would and would not work in a relationship for me. Here I would like to revise that previous performance, and update it, because originally it was filmed over 2 years ago, and we all know how life and situations change; how we can change too.  So I believe updating in both written and video is necessary at this time.

Script goes something like this. 

Dating is hard these days.  You never know what kind of weird stuff that beautiful Femme in front of you has going on in that pretty little head or what she will pull out of her Guici handbag of tricks.   Wouldn’t it be cool if we had paperwork? Like a “lesbian dating application” listing out what will and will not work for use and ask them to indicate their take on each question.  While some can and would be simple yes or no, others would probably require some thought and effort in putting together a serious answer.

The Interview Itself:

  • So if you throw  the application back in my lap and stand up to leave…it might now work out.
  • If you show up to the interview looking like a 14th street hooker….it might not work out.
  • If you have more tattoos than I do…it probably won’t work.  While the occasionaly tat is nice on a woman, I find large tats and full sleeve tats to be a bit over the top for my taste in who I can see myself with long term.
  • Same goes for piercings, if there is metal protruding from your face or your ears are gaged and flopping like a basset hound’s then I am just not interested, thus it just won’t work.
  • If you sit there smacking gum, talking with a thick hood-style accent and vocabulary…nope, definitely won’t work.
  • If your cell phone is not set to silent during my time, my interview time that is, and she stops me mid-question to take a call from your recent ex-lover…get the fuck out.  Not going to work.
  • If you must bring a girlfriend or friend to the interview for “moral support” you might as well turn around and exit stage left cuz that shit just isn’t cool and it will not work.  I had asked to spend this time alone with you, and do not need a chaperone.
  • If you show up on your lunch hour and expect to be munching on your lunch while I am trying to interview you, it will just not work.  I need your focus and undivided attention during a serious conversation.  Had I wanted to do a lunch interview I would have reserved a table somewhere.
  • Now if you show up with lunch for both of us…we might be able to work something out because you obviously took the time to think of me as well, and that is impressive.
  • If you start any answer with the word “Ya know Girl” or “Oh Girl let me tell you….”  It’s just not going to work, because you obviously have me confused with some Femme you must have applied to for the same reason. Same goes for the pronouns, miss, ma’m, lady, and sometimes woman, in the way you are addressing me as a persona senses of the words.  If you know I am Butch you would know that I do not care a lot for the prissy female ways of being addressed.
  • If you come to the interview and are polite, courteous, smiling, have a great attitude and you obviously took the time to dress nicely and do your hair and nails, then I definitely am interested in seeing if we can work this out.  Especially if you brought lunch…awww, how did you know that liverswurst is my favorite??

Remember, your chance to leave a good first impression on someone will stick with them. And that first impression is made in the first 30 seconds of contact.  I can tell if you are someone I would date within a very short period of time.  I am all about first impressions, and about being with a woman who takes the time to make sure that she is always up to par and giving off good first impressions – even in her everyday life.  I do not want things to become “sweatshirt and braless” within 2 weeks of us starting a relationship.  Because that means you just did the interview appearance up to impress me upfront, but aren’t interested in how much I love my woman to look damned good every day; as well as for her to be making great first impressions on my family, friends and the general public And I like it when you are on my arm and we are out around town together, and we both look good…getting smiles from friendly strangers wherever we go…that is important to me and if you are like that too, then this will definitely work.

Key Points of the Relationship Expections: The Issues

  • Sundays are reserved for football, and I love my Sunday games, so scheduling a 1:00 dinner with your friends from work and expecting me to go with you….just not going to work.
  • If you are going to force me to go shopping for “girl things” like clothing, handbags or shoes…we will have issues.  I don’t care for that kind of shopping, and unless you are ok with me perusing the tool department while you clothes shop, then we’ll definitely have issues.
  • It’s 2012…if you have to question every cell phone call and text I receive then we will have issues.  Trust is a big thing, and jail breaking my cell phone while I sleep is punishable by breaking up!
  • Same goes for my computer.  It’s my private world, my solace and my place of refuge.  I have a lot of private writing on there, and when I want to share it I will, but catching you at 3am trying to figure out how to close out of my email account will piss me off and you will be leaving shortly there-after.
  • I suffer from B.E.D.D.  This is Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder which is the basic Butch trait of not always showing emotion or emotional reaction to things you think I should react to right away.  I sometimes appear clueless when you are crying, you have to tell me why..I can’t read your mind for hell’s sake!  And when I am not reacting in the way you think I should, remember BEDD.  It’s not contagious.
  • If we have to ever use the word “let” in a sentence accompanied by “you” then we will have issues.  I am my own individual, you will not have to “let me” do anything once you are standing outside with your suitcase packed.   Yes, “let” will definitely mean we have issues.
  • If you don’t love my dog, or are jealous of Nola, it will cause us to have issues.  I adore that dog, and she doesn’t talk back, nag or require weekly manicures, so she’s an easy keeper.  Are you?  If not then I can see issues in our future.
  • If you think you are going to drive when I am in the car we will have issues.
  • Same goes for pumping gas and getting maintenance done on the car.  I like to do that stuff, it’s a Butch thing…let me, or we will have some issues.
  • If you are highly jealous it could cause nasty issues.  I am a very social person, I have friends that I go fishing with, play pool with and hang out with (sometimes without you) and I get phone calls, texts and emails from them.  Because I have friends does not mean that I am any less committed to our relationship, it just means I am a social creature…and I encourage you to have friends too.  We can be happily individualized, and still be a great couple!  I get aggravated with jealousy.  Trust me, and I will trust you.
  • Baggage is something we all have.  Dragging up my past and using it in anyway against me will decidedly cause some issues.  I won’t throw your baggage around, so don’t toss mine across the room either.  If my baggage concerns you then we need to do some talking, so that we don’t have issues.
  • Addressing a Butch can sometimes be a mine field.  Our personalities and outward appearance often doesn’t match our mental state surrounding our identification.  Calling me cheesy pet names like “pumpkin, peaches, or tootsie” will drive me nuts.  Calling me Babe or Honey can work, but be very careful in that minefield please.  I’d hate to see you blown up by this issue.
  • If you have a drug and alcohol problem worse than mine then we will have issues.   Because I detest drunks, and will not put up with drunken behavior…now if you want to have some wine in the evening while we cuddle in front of the TV I am cool with that, but constant drinking will bring up serious issues.
  • The only time I am okay with lying is when it’s to hide a surprise party or something special.  Lying will cause issues.  I can smell a lie on your breath, so don’t’ even try it.  Plus, if you feel it’s necessary to lie to me then we determinately have issues.
  • I am playful and like to tease.  If you take everything I say seriously then you will have issues.

So, in closing up here this is basically what I am saying; I’m easy to get along with and pretty laid back.  My biggest fear is being able to trust someone with my heart and life in general.  Any kind of hidden agenda will not go over well with me.  You have no need to be sneaky, conniving or to hide things from me.  Be up front, be honest and we will never have issues.  When I ask you a question I like to get straight forward answers to the whole question, not the bare minimum that you think will cover it.

To quote the song, I’m lookin for a lover who won’t love another, but she’s so hard to find.  So I’ve been taking it easy, and not doing any deep searching.  If  she walks in and wants that interview, I have my pad and the applications all ready to go.  Of course I will also need your Carfax. LOL

In all seriousness, dating is scary.  Relationships are sometimes frightening prospets of vulnerability to a Butch.  It means laying ones heart on the line and hoping like hell she doesn’t stomp on it with her 4” stiletto heels.  It means having a confidence that she’s going to protect that heart and bear witness to an oft tormented soul and that she’ll do it with the utmost respect and privacy.  The lifetime I’ve seen of wear and tear on my heart has perhaps hardened it slightly, but it’s still pumping life-vital blood and it still has room for more cracks and chips.  I am still a loving and caring Butch, and I still want that perfect-for-me Femme in my life on a daily basis. I’m ready to love again; ready to give it my all.  I just hope she shows up soon and that she’s ready for the challenge of MainelyButch.

Thanks to all of my readers here and my viewers on Youtube who cross over here to read my stuff as well.  I truly appreciate you all and I so enjoy sharing my writing and thoughts with the world and all of you.  Comments are encouraged and appreciated!

More on My Personalized Butch Template

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More great things I did not include in the last blog about the”Butch Visibility” stuff.  These are just  sort of some of the things incorporated into my own Butch Template, they feel engrained, sort of like they are just THERE and I can’t explain why; but they are  reasons and nuances of my own Butch-hood…the way it’s gone down for me and whatI enjoy about it all.

  • Sports bars and fist pumping
  • Fishing with the guys at 4am on a Saturday morning
  • Burnouts, 360’s and wheelies, yeee haaa
  • The hardest wardrobe choice I have to make is what color boxer-briefs I will wear today.
  • I can be up and ready in 10 minutes…power shower included.
  • Old spice deodorant
  • Aero Cologne…with Lagerfeld and Tommy Hillfiger as my back up go to guys
  • John Wayne….Brad Pitt….Johnny Depp….all great Butch idols
  • Going into an auto supply or a mechanic and having them actually listen and take me seriously.
  • Fixing things…anything, the car, the house, her blow dryer…
  • Techno gadgets and the fact that I am a Techno-Geek-Butch who Femmes often email or call for computer help and advice
  • Being able to hold my own in a good debate, argument or the occasional bar fight of days gone by.
  • Hanging out with strong, rough, well defined males role models, who teach me the finer points of being dashingly Butch without the macho crap of some male personalities.  I can leave the crap on the cutting room floor.
  • A firm FIRM strong handshake!
  • The days of drinking, shooting pool, winning and dangling ciggs as I hung over the pool table to take my shots.
  • Driving muscle cars and kick ass trucks, ATV’s, Smowmobiles, Stomp Chompers, and dirt bikes.
  • Working hard and proud at predominately male dominated jobs.  And doing a damned good job!
  • The sound of high heels walking next to me.
  • Victorias Secret catalogs….need I say more???
  • Spitting contests…for which watermelon seeds work the best.
  • My knife collection…just makes me happy as hell.
  • Sunday, Monday and Thursday FOOTBALL!
  • Driving…long distances and short, I just love to drive.
  • Being a bit sentimental and sending notes and cards to friends…hey not everything is so Butch!
  • Tatoos that mean something.
  • Social networking and meeting great new people…like here

I am not sure how we got onto this subject, but it’s just played around in my head, and I do things and think, “hey there’s another one!”  I just enjoy life, writing and being Butch.  Butch is Good.

WordPress Aggravation

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So I wrote this long and very cool blog post yesturday…wordpress used to auto save your drafts, what happened to that feature???  I am going to attempt to recreate it today…ugh….I wanna scream!!! ( A very Butch scream that is.)

Awkward Moments of Being Visibly Butch

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So last night I blogged about the things I enjoy about being so very visibly Butch.  Thus, tonight I shall graze over what sucks about it sometimes; what ways that full visibility can cause issues and problems in life for myself and I am sure others out there much like me.  Butch and Visible.  

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1.  Bathrooms…suck.  You know the routine. If you are Butch you have developed the innate awareness that you do not fit into either restroom – no matter the little blue sign on the door.  I prefer genderless restrooms myself, but they are few and far between still.  I do see them becoming more common in the future, as I see acceptance of all types of people becoming more the norm as our worlds and cultures continue to grow and awaken.

2.  Dressing rooms…suck worse.  I have been hustled out of more than one women’s dressing room – tightly holding the men’s pants and shirt I am trying to try on in one hand and the dressing room nazi at bay with the other.  forced into the men’s dressing room – and into a room full of men staring awkwardly at me as I choose to change inside of a more secure feeling stall.  I give them the “I know” look, drop my eyes and seek the comfort of the closed-door stall.  Often I shop and do not try on the clothing.  I know my sizes and I know my styles. I know what looks good; and if I get home and it sucks there’s always the return desk to visit next time.

3.  Children asking “what is she..he..she..?”  “mommy, is that a girl or a man?”  “Are you a daddy?”  My current answer to this awkward public question, of a child, is a tribute to Ivan E. Coyote, Canadian author and speaker who is also proudly Butch.  In accordance with Ivan’s way, I merely tell the child, loudly enough so the whole room can hear me, but low enough not to scare him/her “I’m a women who enjoys being masculine like a man”…kids eyes grow wide, mother grabs kid, everyone scatters.  Works every damned time.

4.  Men cracking antagonistic women’s jokes in my presence and thinking it’s somehow “okay” with me, I think like a dude right? Then I must think like they do…like an idiot.  I am not into women bashing and detest men who engage in it so disrespectfully and blatantly.

5. Road rage is dangerous when you are visibly Butch.  Somehow you become a rolling target, and because your gender is in question somehow the violence can escalate.  I once had a guy force me off the road then attack me with a baseball bat, telling me if I wanted to be a man then I should “take it like a man”.  I shot his ass and he cried like a girl.

6.  Driver’s license photos.  When the name is gendered female yet the face and hair look predominantly male, often people viewing the document get this weirdly quizzical look on their faces, before handing it back – holding it gingerly between the finger tips, so as not to “touch” the owner of the license. Had this happen recently, and it was truly awkward.  I could visibly see the discomfort on the officer’s face as he quickly gave me a verbal warning to slow down and hustled back to his cruiser.

7.   Jail cells.  This is where I disclose some history that I am less than proud of.  Sitting in a jail cell with a bunch of women, and being visibly Butch is not only uncomfortable, but a bit petrifying.  My best advice is play up the “Bad Boi” image very much, and they will keep their distance, assuring much of your safety.  Show your female side and you are toast.  After a particularly drunken night, I once told the women on Block C that I had killed my girlfriend and hung the dog…no one messed with me for the next 28 days.

8.  Pap Smears and Mammograms. Health care in general is not only awkward, but often times physically painful for me as a Stone Butch.  My age, lifestyle and health issues warrant frequent testing and physicians visits.  But the worst of all are the pap smears…need I say more? I will say, that if the doctor ever starts slowing down and discussing baseball with his assistant again, I will show him MY baseball bat! Mammograms themselves are just humiliating to a Butch; reminding us of things we’d rather conceal from the world.

9.  Public venues where the majority are our heterosexual brothers and sisters can be challenging as well. Many nights I’ve heard the comments and been the receptor of quesitons such as “so, you’re the guy in the relationship, right?”  Or “I heard Butch women don’t like to be fucked, is that true?”  and my favorite (barf) “oh, my wife says I am part lesbian too!”  (coming from a bio-male person of course).  

10.  Attempting to have intimate relations with a woman, who one assumes is Femme, but quickly discovers that she’s not and she’s one who doesn’t understand “Stone Butch” and who thinks every lesbian is exactly the same, likes the same thing, and doesn’t care for “dick” whether it’s real or prosthetic. How very very wrong that situation is, and how horribly awkward a place that it can quickly degenerate to in under ten seconds flat.  Get out.  Put on your boots and shut the door tight.  Don’t look back. And for God’s sake don’t call or text her, the next day,with any apology, you are not wrong!  And you didn’t need to tap that anyways!

11.  Telephone etiquette is always challenging when the person on the other end of the phone is consistently calling you “sir” although has clearly identified you by your female given name.  You want them to choose – one or the other buddy, although “sir” doesn’t bother me per-se, what bothers me is the stupidness of these awkward phone exchanges.  I have – more than once – had the caller ask “is this really ____(given female name inserted here)???”  “Sorry, you sound like a guy, ma’m”….ooooo…DON’T call me Ma’m – EVER.  

So these are just a few of the more challenging, awkward or just plain pain it the ass things that happen to Visible Butches and Stone Butches as we walk through this predominantly hetero world.  Gender is such a screwed up dichotomy sometimes, especially when you don’t clearly fall into one side or the other, and it’s very noticeable and even at times seen as a true threat to so many – whether they verbalize it or just stare.  

In conclusion, I enjoy being visibly Butch, despite the awkward interactions that are sure to make me laugh in hindsight at the end of each wonder-filled day of my blessed life.  Rock on.

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